May God's Blessings Be Upon You This Christmas

Day 87 of the Divorce Hostage Crisis

Here I am - sitting on day 87 of the Divorce Hostage Crisis.  Yes it has been 87 days since the divorce hearing when the Judge said he would issue a written decision on the divorce settlement.  That's a LONG time.  It only took the jury 6 hours to come to a verdict in the same court in Effingham in the murder case against Craig Heidt a few weeks ago.  Yet here I languish in "unknown land" while the judge piddles around.

I could be bitter and angry but I'm not (ok well may just a little anger).  I have waited for almost 2 years to have the albatross aka TheColdOne removed from my neck so what is a few more days, weeks or months?  I lived through almost 10 years of mental anguish and abuse from a person that I don't even know now.  Despite this, I survived and have actually thrived.  I didn't even go through another "mental breakdown" or as TheColdOne called it in court - pretend suicide attempt for attention. As a matter of fact, my psychiatrist is absolutely amazed at how great I have done since driving away from Hell House.

Sure I may complain about the wait - but it's more for the closure than anything.  I need that little piece of paper in my hand that says I am officially free from all ties to TheColdOne.  I want to be able to change my name back to my maiden name - to erase all connections to those years spent with TheColdOne.

I called those years spent married to TheColdOne "wasted years" until a good friend reminded me of the positives in my life that would have never come about had I not married him.  For instance, if I had not lived in Effingham County, my daughter would have never met Boston's father which means that I would not have my precious little grandson right now.  It's kinda of a "It's a Wonderful Life" situation and that's how I'm approaching things during this waiting period.  Whenever I start to bemoan my situation, I think about what I would have missed or not learned had I not shown up at the church that morning in Sept 1998. 

So when things start weighing down on you and you start another pity party - think about what you would have missed had you not gone through the tough experiences in your life.  I wouldn't be as sure of my strength or comfortable in my own skin, had I not been forced to learn to be so.  Most of all I would not have turned to God for comfort had I not been shaken to my very core and left hanging by my fingernails off the cliff of despair.

I look forward to celebrating another joyous Christmas with my family and friends. I am also looking forward to starting the New Year - even if the albatross is still hanging around - because I know that God has great plans for me.

Merry Christmas and God's Blessings to You All.

I'm Already Tired and It's Not Christmas Yet!

WHEW!  Is it Christmas yet?  I swear the time just seems to fly by, the older I get.  It seems like just yesterday Boston and I were playing in the swimming pool in the backyard and now I'm sitting here wrapped up in a bathroom. 

This time of year is always crazy busy - not just with Christmas and holiday stuff - but with my job.  Seems like home health admissions sky-rocket when it starts getting colder and this year is certainly no exception.  We've all been pulling 12 hour days for about a month now and it's really starting to take it's toll.  I actually fell asleep during a conference call the other day.  Thank goodness I had my phone on mute so they couldn't hear me snore.

This year we have the added activities of wedding planning.  I told you that Jenn would have the thing planned before the first of the year and she's right on track.  We went looking at dresses a few weeks ago and ended up finding THE DRESS.  It's absolutely beautiful - all lace and very vintage looking.  Hunter went with us and was such a trip - he definitely had an opinion about the dresses with comments such as "too sparkly" or "too plain". First time I've ever seen an almost 5 year old behave that long at a dress shop.  Boston was hunting rabbits with his new puppy and Justin & Poppy.  He wouldn't have lasted 10 minutes in the store and neither would have the dressses.

Life is good despite setbacks.  Money just seems to get tighter and tighter.  Christmas is going to be bare-bones this year but that's okay.  We've all gotten way too extravagant during Christmas and that tends to muddle the reason for the season. 

Still haven't heard from the Judge on the final divorce settlement and papers.  We were joking the other day that it's like TheColdOne is my "albatross" - the weight around my neck that I just can't seem to get rid of.  I try to not fret about it because I know that it is all part of God's plan and I need to quit trying to do His job - but damn it's hard.  I do miss being married this time of year though.  I miss not having someone to cuddle up with in bed on these cold nights.  Oh well - better to have a dry crust eaten in peace than steak eaten in strife.

Keep fighting the good fight and hang in through the tough times.  No matter how bad things seem, there is always someone with much more serious issues than you.  When you are as tired as I am, that's the only thing that keeps me going - being thankful no matter what my circumstances because things could be a heckuva lot worse - and believe me, they have been MUCH worse.

May God Continue to Bless You!

Sustained By Faith

Great point from my daily meditation today that I thought I would share with you...

"Temptation cannot come from God - everything that comes from God is good...   Some things that God either sends upon us or allows to happen to us do not seem to be good.  And our faith undergoes one of its most severe tests when we are asked to believe that our God, our loving Father in Heaven, is allowing us in his mercy to suffer some bitter disappointment or sorrow or affliction."

"In all our troubles we must be sustained by that faith.  Whatever comes down from the Father to us is good, and if we will trust him for the final issue, we shall one day see the goodness and rejoice in it."

Hang in there and keep the faith - God has plans for you and we must put our trust in Him in order to receive the gift on the other side of the pain.

God Bless You!

Wedding Bells Are Ringing Again!

Yes - that tinkling sound is wedding bells around my house.  Not for me, silly one but for my daughter.  You would think that I would be jaded against marriage after my experience but this is just such an exciting and blessed time for us all.  My daughter and her fiance came together at a time when both were coming off horrendous life experiences.  They knew each other in high school but went their separate ways after graduation.  A co-worker of mine "re-introduced" them about 2 years ago and they've been together since then.

He is a wonderful man - both to my daughter and my grandson.  He has a son from his previous marriage and the boys get along like brothers do. His family is as lovely as he is.  All in all, a mother could not ask for anything or anyone better for her daughter. He even picked out the ring by himself and did a damn fine job of that - even got the size right.

So excitement is building around our family.  The date has been set and the location of the ceremony and reception has already been reserved. We've got plenty of time for planning, etc (and also time to shave off some pounds and save some money) which makes it nice.  But if I know my little girl, she'll have the whole darned thing planned by Christmas.

I figured that I would be torn about my daughter getting married - especially after my Prince Charming turned into Satan Incarnate - but I'm content.  All marriages are not the same, just as all men are not the same.  I feel like they have been together for 2 years and lived together since May so they know all about each other's little weird things, etc.  The most important thing to me is that she truly loves him and he truly loves her.  And my little grandson just adores him and the feeling is mutual.  I don't even have a problem walking her down the aisle with her daddy (how sweet that she wants me to give her away also). Her father and I were able to bury the hatchet while waiting on the birth of our grandson, so we can manage to be nice to each other for our daughter's big day.

So another crazy chapter in my life is starting.  One that will bring lots of joy, lots of anxiety and lots of tears. She's already set up an appointment to look at wedding dresses with me, my mom and her future mother in law.  We plan on making that a day of just pure fun.  And bless my little girl's heart - she wanted to know if it would be too weird for her to share a dance with me at the reception because, in her words, "Dad gets a dance with me so you should too".  That brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it.

I am just so proud and happy for my little girl. I am so grateful that TheColdOne is no longer in the picture - he was always such an ass about my daughter. He once told me that my daughter was just using me - guess after all that's happened that ended up being more like the pot calling the kettle black. Despite his negativity my daughter has grown up to be quite a woman and a mommy. No mother could ask for anything more. And this wedding is gonna ROCK!!

Contested Divorce in Georgia? Hurry Up and Wait!

A divorce can stir up all kinds of emotions – especially anger, stress and anxiety. Just about any emotion known to man can be whipped into a frenzy by a divorce. As if that avalanche of emotions was not enough, the legal process of a divorce only adds to the disaster – especially if it is a contested divorce. If at all possible, it’s best to come to a settlement without the court getting involved.

But, as in my case with TheColdOne, there was no other alternative left for me. If your soon-to-be-ex is hiding assets,refusing to pay you a fair amount or not providing the documentation needed, a contested divorce is your only alternative.

The Courts may order mediation but it was a waste of time for my situation. In almost 2 years, I could not get TheColdOne to agree to a fair settlement. Why would sitting down with a mediator make any difference? I was right and it ended up costing me $200 for the mediator and $1500 in attorney’s fees for the waste of time.

So we ended up going to court. It took over 6 months to get a court date. My attorney was going out on maternity leave at the end of Feb 2010 so we sent a letter to the Court in January asking that the case be scheduled as soon after the maternity leave as possible (the maternity leave ended the last week in April). Numerous letters and phone calls – from my attorney and TheColdOne’s attorney – had no effect. The case was finally scheduled for August 30. As Murphy’s Law would have it, my witnesses would be on an Alaskan Cruise on that date (the cruise was scheduled a year prior) so we agreed to re-schedule the hearing. It was re-scheduled for September 22.

Keep in mind that during this waiting period, my attorney fees were adding up. Every time the attorney called the court, emailed me, wrote a letter, etc trying to get the case scheduled in was an additionalexpense. Couple that with the fact that TheColdOne refused to turn over documentation and most of the research into his financial status was done by my side, and you have quite a hefty legal bill.

The day of the hearing finally arrived and it went as well as can be expected. It took almost 4 hours for both side to present their case. When my attorney completed her closing argument, the judge stated that he was granting the divorce, restoring my name to my maiden name but he was going to review the documentation. He stated that a written settlement would be communicated via the attorneys involved.

That was over 1 month ago and the settlement order has yet to be issued. I may be divorced but have no documentation to prove it. I am back to my maiden name but can’t legally change any of my identification until I have the signed order. Not to mention that I have no idea if I am getting any settlement money so my financial status remains in limbo with a bill for legal fees staring at my face. I don’t even want to bring up the anxiety and stress that this waiting for a settlement has heaped on my shoulders.

According to the Uniform Superior Court Rules for the State of GA, Rule 8.1 Scheduling of Trials clearly states that “…it is the intendment of these rules that no matter be allowed to languish, and the assigned judge is responsible for the orderly movement and disposition of all matters.” I think a delay of over 6 months would qualify as “languishing” and certainly doesn’t pass the “orderly movement” clause.

The Georgia Code of Judicial Conduct states that “Judges shall dispose of all judicial matters fairly,promptly and efficiently.” The commentary underneath this conduct item clearly states that “…judges must demonstrate due regard for the rights of the parties to be heard and to have issues resolved without unnecessary cost or delay.” I think the judge responsible for my case should get a “doesn’t meet expectations” mark on his evaluation for this item.

There is truly no excuse for the multiple delays in getting my divorce resolved. January 8, 2011 will mark the 2 year anniversary of the day TheColdOne decided he wanted his freedom. I certainly hope that I don’t have to wait that long to finally get closure on the disaster that was my marriage.

Three Little Words That Can Change Your Life

There are 3 little words that can change your life.  No - I'm not talking about "I love you".  The life changing words are "I am sorry".  Simple phrase - not difficult to pronounce but it carries such a punch that it can change the course of your entire life.

In this crazy screwed up world where responsibility and accountability are nothing more than talking points for politicians, we all seem to have forgotten how to apologize.  How many times have you heard "I'm sorry if what I said offended some people"?  That is nothing more than a half-baked way of saying that you know you offended some people without really taking any responsibility for what you said.

How would your life be different if someone had bothered to tell you that they were sorry?  I know that events in my life would have been different had TheColdOne ever uttered those 3 little words.  I can't recall him ever saying he was sorry or asking for my forgiveness for the things he did to hurt me. (Although he did say "I'm sorry - it's over" when he told me he was filing for divorce). When I caught him running around with his ex-wife behind my back, I ended up getting blamed for it.  I was not making him happy, yada yada yada.  My favorite excuse was "You should have trusted me enough not to go checking on my emails".  HAH - talk about deflecting the blame. 

Even when I was in the hospital after my attempted suicide (or as TheColdOne called it in court - "the attention seeking stunt" or the "so-called suicide attempt"), TheColdOne didn't apologize.  He just kept saying "I want my old Robin back".  Little did he know but the "old Robin" was dead - he killed her with his lack of respect and responsibility. But a simple "I am sorry" could have injected some air into my lungs and brought me back to life - at least that is what my 20/20 hindsight says.

The biggest downside to this failure to apologize is that those of us due the apology end up taking on the blame for the situation.  Familiar phrases like "If only I had..." or "I need to behave in this way..." ends up fueling the guilt which after a while ends up dragging us down into a depression.  Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying that depression is caused by one incident - it is usually a pattern of behaviors over a period of time can trigger a depressive episode. As the depression worsens, you end up shouldering even more of the blame and taking responsibility for everything which only adds fuel to the fire.  It's a damned horrific vicious cycle.  In my case, TheColdOne's "never apologize" attitude literally sucked the joy out of my life and left me a shell of the person I once was.

Saying "I am sorry" is also a great way to start the forgiveness chain rolling - it's much harder for someone to harbor anger in their heart when you have truly apologized.  Sadly there are many people, including TheColdOne, who will never understand the importance of those 3 little words.  They'll keep offending people and shoving the blame over onto them until eventually they end up alone in a nursing home with no visitors. But in order for you to live a full and healthy life, forgive you must - even if there is no apology.

So "man up" people (or "woman up" to be politically correct) - accept the responsibility for your actions.  Prove that you are accountable for what comes spewing out of your mouth.  Say those 3 little words that mean so much to people.  I guarantee you that your life will be much better for it.

May God continue to bless you all.

Time, Talent, Treasure

We are coming to the end of our stewardship campaign at church - most people cringe when they hear the word "stewardship", automatically thinking "here comes the campaign for money".  This year our church took a different track - focusing on Time, Talent & Treasure.  The bullet points were so straight to the point that I thought I would share them with you. 

Time - When God gives us life, we do not know how much time we have to use that life, but whatever time we have is a gift from God, and we must use it wisely in every activity throughout the day to fulfill God's plan

Talent - God has made each of us a steward - and has given us abilities and talents that are unique.  We should use these abilities and talents to serve God.  The Bible tells us if we use our talents wisely, we will be better able to use them and will develop others - if we don't use them, we may lose them.

Treasure - The Bible says that we should set aside our "first fruits" - that our offering to God should be the first portion we set aside, not what remains.

You see, these 3 things are not just appropriate for stewardship campaigns - they should guide the way we live our lives.  Even if your "treasure" is virtually non-existant, you still have time and talent.  Your time is tight but surely you can take a few minutes a day to thank God for your blessings and ask Him for guidance.

Pray on these 3 items and ask God to help you find your way to your purpose. No matter what His response is, always remember that God created a wonderful gift when He created you!

God Bless You!

Liars and the Lies They Tell Themselves

There is nothing more detestable to me than someone that is a liar, especially one that tells lies in order to gain sympathy for themself.  It never ceases to amaze me how someone can just tell multiple lies and go on about their life with no remorse.  There is no conscience - no accountability and no responsibility.  Odds are this person is quite adept at playing the victim.  Sure it may get them a bit of happiness or even some money, but at what cost? 

These people are usually the ones that claim anyone that says something less than kind about them is a liar.  They can't handle the truth even when confronted face to face - like say, in a courtroom.  They keep pointing fingers at everyone else claiming THEY are the wronged one. Morons feel sorry for the Liar - they just can't understand why people speak so mean about such a good hearted person.  These vessels of sympathy deserve just as much scorn as the liars themselves.

Frankly I have no sympathy for someone that chooses to live the life of a liar.  Whatever result they end up with is well deserved.  One thing is for certain - when they reach the pearly gates, they will not be able to lie their way out of their punishment.

When you are confronted with a liar your first reaction is anger - you just want to put your fist through the face of the evil one.  Dear Brothers and Sisters - don't give the liar the satisfaction of knowing that they are able to still control your emotions.  The best thing to do is turn away and say a prayer for the liar - pray that they realize their mistakes and ask for forgiveness before it is too late. There is nothing you can do to embarrass or degrade this liar - they are doing it to themselves and will take down all those around them.  Let go and let God handle them - when you quit trying to fight the battles, you open the door for God to fight them for you.  And dear one, He most certainly will fight for you.

Read Psalm 109:1-20 if you are still having anger issues...

My God, whom I praise, do not remain silent
for people who are wicked and deceitful
have opened their mouths against me;
they have spoken against me with lying tongues.
With words of hatred they surround me, they attacked me without cause.
In return for my friendship they accuse me,but I am a man of prayer.

They repay me evil for good, and hatred for my friendship.
Appoint someone evil to oppose my enemy;
let an accuser stand at his right hand.
When he is tried, let him be found guilty, and may his prayers condemn him.
May his days be few;
may another take his place of leadership.
May his children be fatherless and his wife a widow.
May his children be wandering beggars;
may they be driven from their ruined homes.
May a creditor seize all he has;
may strangers plunder the fruits of his labor.
May no one extend kindness to him or take pity on his fatherless children.
May his descendants be cut off, their names blotted out from the next generation.
May the iniquity of his fathers be remembered before the Lord;
May the sin of his mother never be blotted out.
May their sins always remain before the LORD, that he may blot out their name from the earth

For he never thought of doing a kindness, but hounded to death the poor and the needy and the brokenhearted.
He loved to pronounce a curse - may it come on him.
He found no pleasure in blessing - may it be far from him.
He worse cursing as his garment;
it entered into his body like water, into his bones like oil.
May it be like a cloak wrapped about him, like a belt tied forever around him.
May this be the LORD"s payment to my accuser, to those who speak evil of me.

There now - you should feel a bit better.
And writing a tell-all book about the liar and his lies that includes pictures certainly doesn't hurt either.  Wink-Wink...

May God Bless You!

Rest in Peace Robin B.

Robin B. died on January 8, 2009. Gone was the woman with a quick smile and easy laugh. Gone was the one with a ready come-back to a smart ass question. Gone was the woman who had fallen head over heels in love with her husband almost at first sight 10 years before. Gone was the woman with a heart so big and full of love that she would forgive anything just to keep her marriage and home intact. Gone was the woman who stood in front of God and her family and promised “til death do us part” 10 years earlier. 

It wasn’t a natural death. It was a death brought on by years of mental cruelty and heartlessness. It was preceded by years of lying and cheating coupled with put-downs and personal attacks. The years of orders to “suck it up” and “get a hobby” had taken their toll. An earlier brush with death, in the form of a suicide attempt, should have been a warning to Robin B. but she just kept on living with the evil that had pushed her near the breaking point once before.

The death blow came at a moment when Robin B. was already on her knees and in a weakened state. The “murderer” couldn’t have picked a better time to deliver the final punch. There was no remorse on the part of the one who picked this time to crush Robin – just a sense of his own freedom in his selfish perverted world of “me first”.

She never saw it coming. She thought that a trip to the Psychiatrist and a new prescription would protect her. Robin naively thought that love would save the day. She was caught completely off guard. She walked right into the death trap with her heart on a silver platter. The fiend disguised as her husband just threw her heart on the floor and smashed it with the sole of his hunting boot. He never looked back – he just stepped over the carnage as he moved on.

But all was not lost. Like the proverbial Phoenix rising from the ashes, a new Robin was born. This Robin took a while to pull herself together into a whole being. The transformation was not pretty – it was bloody and tear-filled with lots of wailing and cries out for help. It was only after the muddled mess of humanity cried out to God in utter despair that the pieces started taking shape. It wasn’t just one cry to God – it was many. It wasn’t just a simple cry – it was a scream that came from the very depths of her soul. When she gave up fighting on her own and turned everything over to God, the new Robin began to take shape.

The new Robin is still in the midst of transformation. There have been several glitches and “do-overs” that required more tears and attitude adjustments in order to get back on the right track. She is so very far from perfect and will only reach perfection when her real time on this earth is complete. She has scars but they only serve to remind her of the battles she has fought and won with God at her side. There is one thing that is firmly entrenched in this battle scarred woman – a firm knowledge that no matter what any human may do, she is wholly and unconditionally loved by her Father. And THAT gives her the reason to continue to push through the pain of transformation and into her new life.

May God Bless You All.

It's Official - The Hearing is Over!!!

A big old WHEW - the divorce hearing is over. It was uncomfortable and aggravating but enlightening and eye-opening.  It's amazing how someone you have been married to for over 10 years (12 if you count the 2 years we've been separated) can be such a stranger.  I'm still shocked at how 2 years can give you some perspective.  Instead of pining away upon seeing him, I thought "what did I ever see in him?" and "why did I waste 10 years of my life with such a troll?" 

Still don't have the divorce settlement - the judge is going to review the documents and issue a written settlement.  I'm just hoping it's enough to cover my attorney's fees.  This was never about "getting back" at TheColdOne or trying to take all his money - it was simply about fairness and standing up to a heartless bully who never had anyone fight back against him.

Oh and by the way, since TheColdOne likes to check this blog every day or so to see if I've said anything about him, here is a direct message to him...

I may have been getting "rounder and rounder" while fighting depression but I can lose the weight.  You, on the other hand, cannot change your lying black heart or the ugliness that is your soul. One day you will be called on to explain the hateful and evil things you have said and done - And you won't be able to hide that from The One who will be demanding an explanation!

In the meantime, I'm popping the cork on the champagne tonight and we're having a mighty celebration!  CHEERS!

The Letters We Wear

In the movie 28 Days, Sandra Bullock's character is required to wear a sign around her neck identifying one of her character flaws.  In the book, The Scarlet Letter, those who had commited adultery were required to wear a scarlet "R" on their clothes.  In Nazi Germany, Jews were required to wear a Star of David on their clothing so they could be easily identified as Jewish.

Those of us going through major life changes or suffering from depression feel like we are wearing a sign  of some sort, even though it is invisible.  I will never forget going to the grocery store with my mom 2 days before I moved out of the home I shared with TheColdOne and into my little townhouse.  I was already in a fog and just completely overwhelmed.  Mom wanted to make sure that I at least had the basics when I moved in and frankly I just didn't care if I had anything to eat or not.

Walking through the grocery store, I felt like I had a flashing neon "D" on top of my head.  The "D" stood for a lot of things - Divorced, Depressed, Damaged.  I imagined children pointing at my "D" asking their parents "what's wrong with her?"  Old people were just tsk-tsk'ing as they passed by while people my age just looked at me with pure pity oozing out of every pore of their body.  As we continued through the store, my head dropped lower and lower until my chin was almost on the floor.  Of course, there was no "D" on my head and no one was staring, etc BUT my head was drooped lower than when we entered the store.  I let my inner emotions control my reactions which in turn reinforced those negative emotions.  You truly are what you feel especially when going through a crisis.

During this whole separation and divorce drama, I've worn many different letters.  Sometimes it was a big fat "F" for "failure".  There were times when it was a "S" for "Stupid" or an "L" for "Loser".  There were times where I would wear the letter for several days in a row like a comfy sweater.  Then there were times when my letter changed multiple times through out the day. The letters were a great accessory for attire during my frequent pity parties.

It was only after I turned my focus on God and my faith that things began to change. I started CHOOSING the meaning of the letters I wear.  Instead of "Stupid", my S stood for "special".  My "F" turned into Faith.  But most importantly my "L" turned into "Loved".  By choosing how I identified myself, instead of letting my emotions define me, I began the long road to learning to love myself again.  I'm still on that long road and probably will be until the day I die - but at least now I know that I am on the right track. Oh there are those days were I slip up and throw on an "I" for "ignorant" but they are few and far between.

So throw off all those negative letters and signs you are wearing.  Make a choice to identify yourself positively.  Ask God to help you - He loves you and wants you to love yourself.  After all, you were wonderfully made by His loving hands. 

You'll be amazed at how just changing the meaning of one letter in the alphabet can improve your whole outlook.  By the way, my "D" still stands for "divorced" but I wear that as my survivor's badge of honor.

May God Continue to Bless You All.

Your Life is Only as Strong as Your Weakest Commitment

This was such a profound Daily Hope from Rick Warren at Purpose Driven Life that to try to post snippets would not do it justice.  Here is the message as it came in my email this AM.  It is certainly thought provoking and something to ponder...

Don't Let Carelessness Weaken Your Life
by Rick Warren

The Biblical strongman Samson was very careless with his commitments.  He made a vow, saying "God, I'm going to live for You." And to remind him of his vow to God, Samson promised to never cut his hair.

But problem is that Samson refused to take himself seriously or to take God seriously.  He thought everything was a big game and so he toyed with temptation:  "How close can I get to the fire and not get burned?"

We see this clearly in his relationship with Delilah (Judges 16).  She continually tempts Samson while asking him to tell her the secret of his great strength.  And rather than fleeing temptation, Samson carelessly plays a game with Delilah, not once, but four times, and each time he compromises just a little bit more. 

Because Samson was playing a game, he hardly noticed the step that took him from being close to the fire to actually being in the fire.

"Having put him to sleep on her lap, she called a man to shave off the seven braids of his hair... and so his strength left him.  The she called, "Samson, the Philitines are upon you."  He awoke from his sleep and thought, "I'll go out as before and shake myself free."  But he did not know that the Lord has left him." Judges 16:19-20

"He did not know the Lord had left him."  That is one of the most tragic statements in the Bible.  He was unaware of what was happening; how his lifestyle was perpetually weakening him little by little.  It was a gradual process.  He had assumed he would always be strong.

Nobody ever plans to be a failure.  It just comes on graually.  Nobody says, "I'm going to be a drug addict" or "I want to break up my marriage" or "I think I'll destroy my health."  But it starts with one little thing and builds and builds until the point that one day we wake up and say "What happened?  This isn't living for God."

What's the lesson we can learn from Samson's life?  Strong people keep their commitments.  They guard their commitments.  They don't play games with their commitments.

Consider this:  Your life is only as strong as your weakest commitment.

What are you committed to ?  Are you committed to the Lord?  Are you committed to a church?  Are you committed to your family?  That's where your strength comes from.

Very profound insights by Pastor Rick Warren.  Ones that we should all take to heart and learn from.  It's hard to avoid the pull of temptation.  You may think "just this once" but that one time multiplies faster than Mr. and Mrs. Bunny Rabbit.  By letting your guard down and giving in to temptation, you are opening up a little place in your heart for Satan to get a foothold.  It won't be long before Satan has wiggled himself right into your heart and has control over your life.

No one is perfect.  That is why God gave his only Son that we should not perish but have everlasting life.  BUT we can't just keep breaking our commitments without consequences - your marriage falls apart, you lose your job or Heaven forbid, your life.  All because you couldn't say "no" and keep your commitment.  No doubt when all is said and done, that moment of pleasure or happiness will not be worth all the pain and agony that will follow.

So pray for strength and courage to follow your commitments.  And close up that breach in your heart where Satan's finger is searching for something to hold on to. 

May God Bless You.

The Collateral Damage of Divorce

This is my grandson, Boston.  He just turned 3 and is ALL boy.  As long as he can play outside, he is a happy camper - and if involves dirt or trucks all the better.  He is SO funny and the stuff that comes out of his mouth makes me almost fall on the floor laughing.  Boston is the joy of my life and I adore every moment I get to spend with him.

But this picture of Boston with his first fish at the Bass Masters Fishing Tournament makes me a bit melancholy.  Seeing him holding the fish reminds me of my granddaughter, Olivia, and how she loved to fish and her Little Mermaid fishing pole.  She was 4 the last time I saw her.  We finished off the afternoon with her sitting in my lap reading a book to her.  That was over a year ago. 

Thanks to all the nastiness involved in the divorce from TheColdOne, I don't get to see Olivia now - she is actually the daughter of TheColdOne's son.  Since Olivia's mom and dad are listed as witnesses against me in the divorce hearing, I can't open myself or my life up to her parents right now.  Thus - no contact with her.  I send her cards and presents but don't hear anything back.  But that's okay - I will continue to send cards and presents because Olivia will always be my granddaughter - I was there when she came into the world and have always been her grandma.

Sigh... I even had a reflective thought about TheColdOne when I saw this picture of Boston.  One of the first things that popped into my head was how much TheColdOne would enjoy spending time with Boston.  He was always a good granddaddy and Boston would definitely keep him entertained.  The love of outdoors would fit right in with TheColdOne especially with Boston's happy-go-lucky attitude. Sadly TheColdOne dismissed Boston as "Robin's grandson" in the document splitting up the possessions.  He never truly loved Boston the way that I love Olivia so I don't know why I would even think about it. 

TheColdOne tossed my children aside much like he did to their mother despite the fact that they both thought of him as more of a Dad than their biological father.  He even hot-footed it out of a local restaurant when my daughter walked in to meet her boyfriend for lunch.  No greeting or acknowledgment of her presence - just left quickly.  My daughter would not have made a scene or been impolite - she actually was a bit hurt that he refused to even acknowledge her.

Oh well - I know this is all part of the divorce.  The collateral damage is vast - it doesn't just involve the two divorcing parties.  That is the saddest part of this whole situation.

The Freedom Bus is Warming Up

Yippee!!!  The divorce hearing has been officially scheduled for September 22.  It didn't take as long to get it rescheduled from Aug 30 as I thought it would.  I figured I would be waiting until Christmas.

Finally there is a light at the end of the nightmare tunnel.  I will be able to slam the damn door on the nightmare of the past 12 years and get back to living my life on my terms. Just the smell of freedom from TheColdOne makes me giddy.

I know that the hearing itself will be hard.  I have not had to look at the face of TheColdOne in almost 2 years which has been quite a blessing. The length of time is definitely a benefit for me - my heart and my head have had a chance to heal and it has allowed me to look back at the marriage with eyes wide open.  I am not looking forward to having to testify but I am not afraid of the truth so it will be easy.  I won't have to try to remember what answer I put down on my interrogatory since my answers were completely truthful.  Can't slip up if you don't tell a fib. I know that I will get teary - it's hard to admit that you were such a fool for loving such an absolute toad.

I'm going to have all my prayer warriors working hard that day to ensure that my heart and my head are focused and steady.  I know that whatever the outcome is, it is God's will - not mine or anyone elses.  I will just be grateful for the freedom. And I know someone else who has been looking as forward to this as I have - wink wink - and I ain't talking about TheColdOne. Hang tight - we're almost there!!!

Funny Divorce Gifts

I was actually researching the Internet for a "things not to say to someone going through a divorce" when I came across some extremely funny divorce gifts and cards.  I figured that everyone had been on such a downer lately that we could all use a few laughs.

First the cards - they range from irreverent to absolutely trashy but they can certainly make you laugh...

Here's one of my favorites...

You can't read the small print on the front in this screen grab but it says "put it in reverse and hit him again."  From Chocolate Fantasies.







Cerebralitch has some great cards that are you can send as ecards also.  

The inside of this card says "Ha! You Win!"







Then we have the gag gifts...

This is called "Dead Fred Pen Holder".  You can take out your frustrations in a legal manner.  Found this gem at FindGift.

This little frog transforms into a Prince with just a bit of water.  Easier than kissing a bunch of toads while looking for the Prince. Found this over at FindGift also.

Over at Zazzle, you can get this as a refrigerator magnet, t-shirt or anything else you can imagine.













Last but not least -

Great t-shirt that pretty much says it all!!!

Yes Prayer Does Work!

Whew - I can finally take a deep breath.  My Mom's lymph node biopsy showed no malignancy just some microscopic changes.  As a precaution, she had a PET scan today.  The MD felt it was appropriate due to a needle biopsy only looking at a small piece of the node. I had forgotten but my Mom reminded me that Daddy's first prostate biopsy came back negative then several months later another biopsy showed up as positive. The Doctor was also concerned that she had so many symptoms indicating lymphoma.  She sees the oncologist tomorrow so he can look over everything to ensure nothing was missed.

So... my Mom and Dad are off to Alaska on Thursday with such light hearts and minds.  I'm going to be babysitting my "baby sister" - their cocker spaniel "bella". (They had her WAY before the Twilight phenom so she is not named after the movie character).  I am so excited for them.  It's so rare nowadays for a couple to reach the 50th anniversary milestone.  Heck I couldn't even make it past 15 years my first time around and only got through 10 with TheColdOne.

I am just so grateful that God has blessed us with this news. I know in my heart that He heard all the prayers and listened to those of us that love her.  She is a blessing and we need good souls like her around for a long long time.

God Bless You! And thank you so much for your prayers!

Update On My Mom

The biopsy went fine - Mom tolerated it without any problems.  We won't know the results until probably Friday.  The radiologist did tell Mom that there were 3 enlarged lymph nodes, not just one, and he biopsied all 3.  He also said he noticed some "nodules" in her stomach on the CT Scan but didn't give her any further info on that.

All in all, Mom is hanging in there.  The initial shock has worn off.  I've been very frank and open with my Mom about the probability that this is lymphoma.  As a nurse and a daughter, I couldn't lie to her.  The hardest part was being frank and open with my Dad.  He came over last night and we had a long talk.  I explained what I know about lymphoma and what the possible treatments and prognosis were.  It was hard but necessary.  I explained to Daddy that Mom needed positive attitudes and encouragement right now - crying every time we look at her is just not an option at this point.  It also gave me a chance to remind Daddy that now was not the time to harp on Mom about smoking.  I told him that if smoking was the only thing that relieved her stress and gave her comfort, then he had best be going to the store and load up on smokes for her.  That actually got a laugh out of him.

I have also been really pushing them to take their planned trip to Alaska for their 50th wedding anniversary. They have had this cruise planned for almost a year and are scheduled to leave on August 19th.  In my heart, I know that this trip is something that they both will need with the potential treatments coming up in the next few weeks. Besides, it will give me some quality time with my baby sister - their dog "Bella" who I am babysitting while they are gone.

It's funny - for the first time in a long time, I felt like an adult.  I was the comforter instead of being the comfortee.  No matter how hard this is or how much it hurts, I have got to stay in control and be the shoulder for my parents.  They have always been there for me and it's time for me to return the favor. 

When Mom called me with the news last week, I just completely lost it when I hung up the phone.  Out loud I asked God if this was why He had brought me "home" to my parents.  I almost fainted when I heard the word "Yes" loud and clear, as if He was standing right beside me.

The most important thing I can do right now is pray.  I had a prayer chain going yesterday timed to start at the time of the biopsy.  I spent that time on my knees reading the "Prayers for the Sick" in my little Book of Common Prayer.  I've learned over that past 18 months that just reading the words doesn't bring the message to life so I said my prayers out loud while tears streamed down my face.  It really did make me feel better.

So that's the update for now.  I'll post another update when we get the official word. Just keep my Mom in your prayers.

God Bless You

Urgent Prayer Request!!!

I am very sad right now.  My Mom - who is not only my best friend but my ROCK - is very sick.  She has a biopsy scheduled tomorrow for a definitive diagnosis but has all the classic signs of lymphoma.  This comes less than 2 weeks before my parents were to leave on an Alaskan cruise for their 50th wedding anniversary.

When I got the news of the possible diagnosis I just sat in stunned silence.  This could not be happening - not now - not when my ties with my parents had grown closer than ever.  I can't make it without my Mom.  I'm not the only one - my poor Daddy is just beside himself with grief and worry.  He can't stop touching Mom on the shoulder or arm whenever he walks past her.  He even begged God to take him and not my Mom. It just about tore my heart out of my chest.

Mom is the absolute center of our family.  Whenever there is a crisis, we all turn to Momma - she may be little but she can take on the fiercest beast without batting an eye.  I can't even bear to remotely think of having to go on without her in my life.  I know that I will have to face that reality one day - even if this turns out to be a false alarm - but not now, not anytime soon.

But we're all going to have to put on our big girl and big boy underpants - now is not a time for weakness or wallowing in sorrow.  Mom has ALWAYS been there for us and now it is our turn to do the same for her. We're all very selfish and have spent our lives willing to let Mom do the heavy lifting in times of trouble.  We have to set aside our petty little problems and focus on her.  It's the least we can do.

In the meantime, I'm asking for everyone to send up prayers for my Mom.  I know that God's plan is set but prayer certainly will keep the focus where it should be right now.

Thank you for your concern and your prayers.

Before You Get Involved in Another Relationship, Some Divorce Stats You May Want to Know

While researching information for my new book, I came across some interesting and surprising divorce statistics regarding marriage after divorce.

The US divorce rate for second marriages is from 60% to 67%.

After 3 marriages the US divorce rate is from 73% to 74%.

Those statistics literally blew me out of the water.  I would have thought that after the first marriage ended in divorce, people would be more selective about their next partner and more wise about relationships. But obviously that is not true.

Why do so many subsequent marriages end in divorce?  Could it be that after the trauma of the first divorce people are just looking for someone to reaffirm their belief in "happily ever after"? Is it the case of too high expectations coupled with the reality of day to day living?  Maybe it is just some of us have a screwed up "mate picker" and fall for the first person who sweeps us off our feet? 

In my case, I truly believed TheColdOne was my soulmate.  When we took our vows, I actually believed the part about "til death do us part".  For TheColdOne, based on his rantings at the end of our marriage, the vows actually meant "until I feel too tied down" or "until something better comes along." I know that I did my part to contribute to the collapse of the marriage and accept that responsibility.  Suffering from long term chronic depression certainly didn't help matters.  BUT it's hard to keep a marriage working when less than a month after the wedding you discover that your ColdOne was still communicating with his ex-wife and lying to you about it - not to mention the subsequent "special meetings" with "discussions" about tan lines and such.

I wish I had known about the divorce statistics before I made the leap into a mistake of Biblical proportions.  Based on the statistics, the marriage was doomed from the start - especially since I was wife #4. That is no excuse but it certainly makes the sting of the divorce a little less personal and more of an expected outcome.

I will certainly keep those stats in mind as I continue my trek through single-hood.  Especially now that I will be in the 3rd marriage category.  It does give me a chuckle though - who ever falls for TheColdOne's schtick about "never being loved" and "being the answer to his prayers" is screwed before she becomes #5.

Our Daily Bread

Today I received very good news.  News that has taken one of my worries (yes I know I'm supposed to turn the over to the Lord but it's my weakness) off of my shoulders and allowed me to take a deep, anxiety free breath - if only for a moment.

Unfortunately many other people received bad news today.  These are people that I know, that I work with and have come to know as a second family.  So while I celebrate, I am also sad and yes, feeling a bit of guilt at my good fortune.

Funny how my life parallels the Sunday sermon at my church.  I joke with the Priest all the time about it - does he think about what craziness is going on in my life when he decides on a sermon topic?  It really isn't a joke though because his words always bring comfort and sometimes a bit of shame at my own failings.  This past Sunday's sermon was titled "Be Encouraged" - (see what I mean?).  It expanded on Luke 11:1-13 where Jesus taught the disciples the words of The Lords Prayer.  I couldn't have asked for a better sermon to speak to my heart.

I've always thought of "our daily bread" as our sustenance - our food.  At the most, I thought it was our life itself.  Father Hubbard described it as a "bread of a different sort" - it is a daily need. It is "an empty, hungry place in each of us that is begging for its own kind of bread".  He went on to describe the effect of going without this different sort of bread - "we may not starve to death, but we are weakened, lost, forlorn, fearful, despairing - emaciated in our character and well-being, or just plain irritable".

In my case, my "daily bread" may change from day to day or even every hour. I need to remember that no matter what shape or form my "daily bread" takes, the key is to ask and then to KNOW that God will provide it for me.  It may not be in the shape that I want it, but God does know best and He always provides.  The keys are to Ask and Trust - those are the two main ingredients of your daily bread.

I'm going to close with the last lines from the sermon that I think we all should remember, especially in these trying times...

"Let us remember, then, to pray for our daily bread, whatever that is, and be encouraged that God will provide.  That is Jesus' message of encouragement and hope to us today and everyday - God will provide because, being the best of fathers, He loves us."

Please remember my co-workers in your prayers.  Times are tough and really don't look like they are going to be getting better any time soon for those of us working in the healthcare field. 

May God Bless You.

Pray For Pastor Rick Warren - UPDATED

One of my favorite people and a spiritual mentor, Pastor Rick Warren (author of Purpose Driven Life), has tweeted that his eyes were burned by a "toxic poison" and he has lost some of his vision.  He is now home from the hospital after the Monday accident and is in extreme pain.  This information was confirmed via Saddleback Church so it is not a hack-job or a joke.  Please keep Pastor Rick Warren and his family in your prayers.

update on Pastor Rick Warren
He is not blind and he is expected to make a full recovery. He apparently was pruning a Firestick plant in his yard and got some sap on his hands.  He didn't realize the sap was on his hands and he wiped his face. The sap then got into his eyes.  Still keep him in your prayers - we need him back at full strength in this tumultulous times.

Be Careful How You Think

I've posted here previously about negative thoughts and how they can be harmful to you.  No matter how many times I remind myself to stop with the negative thoughts and worry, they still seem to creep back up on me. 

Yesterday's Daily Hope with Rick Warren was about "Influential Thoughts" and how our thoughts influence our lives.  Despite all my Bible studies and absolute love of Proverbs, I somehow missed this little verse...

"Be careful how you think; your life is shaped by your thoughts".  Proverbs 4:23

Here's some snips from "Influential Thoughts" with some added insights from me...

"It's not what happens to me that matters as much as how I choose to see it." - This is certainly no joke.  With all the changes in my life, I find that I am much more at ease when I look at the changes as an opportunity rather a roadblock.  So I'm going through a divorce - well now I can do those things that I never got to do while I was married like go to the 9/12 March on Washington or the Restoring America Rally in DC.  Diagnosed with uncontrolled diabetes? - Hey there's my excuse to start eating healthy and getting in daily exercise.  It's much healthier than stewing in your own bitter juices at the hand life has dealt you.

"Your beliefs influence your behavior" - If I believe that life is handing me a big old crap burger, then I'm gonna act like someone holding a big old crap burger.  If I believe that God is in control and nothing happens without a reason, then I am free to let go of the worry and focus on the positive.  It's much easier to laugh when you're not drowning in worry.

"You self-talk influences your self-esteem" - If there were physical signs from mentally "beating yourself up", I would be just one big old massive walking bruise.  I know that I am hypercritical of myself and a thousand times more critical than I would be to a friend.  I'm sure you've felt this before.  Why do we treat others better than we treat ourselves? We hurt ourselves worse than any living being could ever damage us.

Remember there are several tricks to stopping the negative chatter in your head - anything from yelling "shut up" to proclaiming "get thee behind me Satan" to popping yourself with a strategically placed rubber band to distract your thinking.  But I think that memorizing certain Bible verses is the best way to focus your thoughts - not only does it open your heart to God but it closes the door on Satan.  Reciting or reading the Bible is to Satan what water is to the Wicked Witch of the West.  It's just that we forget and let the flying monkeys take over our mind.

So find you a Bible verse that touches your heart and reminds you of how much God loves you. Post it everywhere and commit it to memory.  Let it be your Kevlar vest against Satan.

My Hut is on Fire!! - A Better Way to Look at Trials & Tribulations

I try my best to remain upbeat and remember that God has a plan for everything but dang - sometimes it is really hard to do.  With so much going on in my life right now, a friend sent this story to me.  It really hit me in the heart and I hope it does the same for you...

My Hut is on Fire!
The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island.  He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him.  Every day he scanned the horizon for help but none seemed forthcoming.

Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect himself from the elements, and to store his few possessions.  One day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, with smoke rolling up to the sky.  He felt the worst had happened and everything was lost.  He was stunned with disbelief, grief and anger.  He cried out, "God! How could you do this to me?"

Early the next day, he was awakened by the sound of a ship approaching the island!  It had come to rescue him.  "How did you know I was here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers.  "We saw your smoke signal", they replied.

The Moral of this Story:
It's easy to get discouraged when things are going bad, but we shouldn't lose heart, because God is at work in our lives, even in the midst of our pain and suffering.  Remember that the next time your little hut seems to be burning to the ground.  It just may be a smoke signal that summons the Grace of God.

My New Motto and The Thought For The Day

I came across this the other night and thought just how perfectly this latin phrase fit me at this stage in my life.  So here is the "Thought for the Day"...

De inimico no loquaris male, sed cogites.

Translated it means "Do not wish ill for your enemy, plan it".


DISCLAIMER - This is not an attempt to disparage or denigrate anyone. Nor is it a threat - implied or implicit - to anyone especially TheColdOne. Don't want anyone to get their panties in a wad.

Thought For The Day

Have a lot going on right now and finding time to blog is in short supply.  So I'm gonna fall back on a tried and true idea - post simple thoughts, quotes, bible verses for the day.  Here is today's installment...

"Integrity is like virginity.  Once you give it up, it's gone for good."  - Proverbs 11:3

I LOVE reading Proverbs - great insights and amazingly still pertinent in these times.

On a personal note - please keep me in your prayers. There are some significant and life-changing things going on right now that I really need guidance on and support for.  When I can share more about this, I will but for now please get those prayers flowing up.

May God Bless You!

A Funny To Start the Long Weekend... Why Women Over 50 Are Better

As one who is less than 12 months away from the big 5-0 and finding myself thrust back into the singles scene, I can truly appreciate this bit of funniness from Andy Rooney. Oh and the last line is now my new motto - especially after my own personal experience with TheColdOne and his "little sausage"...

A woman over 50 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 50 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.

Women over 50 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 50.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 50 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest.. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 50 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 50, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow shorts making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?' Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

Have a safe and fun Independence Day and remember to thank a soldier for upholding all our freedoms!

A Cure for The Latest Pity Party

We all have "pity parties" from time to time especially when we are going through those life changing moments.  But this video reminds me of just how much I have to be grateful for and why I have no excuse for a pity party.

When Your Faith is Sagging...

Let's face it - no matter how hard we try there are times where our faith just seems to sag a bit.  It could be personal problems, financial issues, health issues, whatever.  The most important thing is to get yourself back on track quickly and don't let Satan get a toehold into your life.  You know he just loves to find that little chink in your armor and keep digging at it until there is enough room to wiggle through it and occupy a space in your heart.

One of the best ways to combat a faith crisis was a recommendation by Beth Moore (my favorite author).  She recommended to commit the following to memory and say it repeatedly especially when you feel that little tickle from temptation...

God is who He says He is

God can do what He says He can do

I am who God says I am

I can do all things through Christ

God's word is alive and active in me

Just 5 little lines but there is a lot of power in those few lines.  I wrote the words down on note cards and posted them in various places around my house where I would see them.  I also entered them into my blackberry in the notepad and saved it to my main screen so I can access it easily.  Whenever I am struggling - no matter what it is - I repeat the statements over and over and it really helps me regain my focus.  This was one of my "To Do's" during Lent and it really was a blessing since my uncle died and there were other family issues during that time.

Another thing that served as a reminder to me was a bracelet I bought last year.  It was a simple bracelet with the word "Believe" engraved all around it.  Whenever I started doubting myself or my faith, all I had to do was look down at my wrist and remember to "believe".  Don't go out and spend money for something especially now when money is tight.  You can get a purple ribbon (any color will do) or make one of those braided thread bracelets.  Whatever it takes to remind you that there is a higher purpose working in your life that loves you unconditionally.

God Bless You.

Hell to the No

I listen to the radio via the Internet while I'm working and there was a commercial for some "save your marriage" seminar.  A woman's voice talks about how her husband wanted out of the marriage and she decided to attend the seminar by herself.  Miraculously he now wants back in the marriage and is going to the seminar with her.  The evil side of me yelled "stupid bitch" at the radio while the good side of me said "awww- isn't that nice". 

But it got me thinking - there are times when I wander off mentally into Robin's Fantasy Land and picture a soap opera/romance novel moment with a climactic scene of regret and tears and begging culminating into a fade out as we fall into each others' arms. Those trips to fantasyland have gotten fewer and fewer with more time elapsing between the excursions as the whole divorce drama has lingered on.  But what about those that do decide to "kiss and make up"?  What would it take to make you throw caution to the wind and say "to hell with the past, let's go for it"?

In my case - nothing.  Sure there are still feelings there - you can't be married to someone for 10 years and give your body/soul to them without still having some component of "caring deeply" for them.  But those feelings cannot compare to the deliberate and thoughtless pain inflicted without a care about how I would get through it.  The absolute devastation of being thrown away like a piece of garbage just because you didn't fulfill the "happiness" quotient in their lives. The trauma of not knowing where you were going to live or how you were going to pay your bills while the other partied down with his home-boys and girls.  The feeling of utter failure and despair combined with a heart shattered into a million pieces while you are forced to completely start over.

Now don't get me wrong - I have forgiven TheColdOne because I could not move forward in my own life without doing so.  BUT I will never forget and that's a good thing.  Fool me once - shame on you.  Fool me twice - shame on me.  The life lessons learned are ones that can never be forgotten. They act as a shield to temptation as I move forward with my life. I've discovered that I would rather live having a battery operated "item" as my only source of intimacy than give my heart away to someone who doesn't value it as much as I do.

But everyone's case is different.  You have to decide for yourself what is right for YOU.  I would suggest lots of prayer and tons of counseling - individual and joint before doing anything.  This time the ball is in your court - you can set the ground rules and limits on the relationship.  Do not slip back into the subserviant role and allow your ColdOne to bully you into anything.  Trust your gut instinct - if things don't feel right, they probably aren't.  Also beware of the payback factor especially if you received a nice settlement in the divorce.  There are so many things to consider but the first thing you MUST do is determine what YOU want.  If you don't want to take the risk of the same crap happening again after you are a bit older with less opportunities available to you, then don't do it. The number one question to ask - is the he worth it?

In my case the answer is not just "no" - it's HELL. TO. THE. NO.

A Great Way to Save Some $$

A long time ago, I was a coupon cutting fiend.  But I let it slide and forgot about coupons.  Living on my own with a tight budget, I have learned to love coupons again.  But cutting coupons out of the newspaper on Sunday is not the only way to go anymore.  There are many innovative ways to save money at the grocery and drug store.

First - go to the dollar store and buy one of those little accordian style coupon holders.  This will keep you from having coupons scattered willy-nilly all over the place.  Plus it's easy to slip into your purse when you head out the door.  Word of caution - clean out the coupon organizer about once a month so you don't end up with a plethora of expired coupons.

If you subscribe to the Sunday paper, great - you already have a source for coupons.  But don't buy a weekend subscription just to get the coupons.  If you have a neighbor that gets the Sunday paper, ask them if they use their coupons - if not, politely ask if you can have them.  If you go to McDonalds on a Sunday morning, they usually have newspapers laying around.  See it there are any coupon inserts just laying there for the taking.  There are even people that go to newspaper recycling places and get permission to dig out the coupon inserts.

One of the easiest things I've found is to print coupons off the Internet.  You can print the coupons to any kind of printer - the one drawback is you have to download and install the coupon printing application.  This will ensure that you have the readable UPC code on the coupon. I've never had any trouble with the application and Norton software approved its installation on my system. 

Check out CouponMom.com or HotCouponWorld.com.  Both are great sites and give you many tips/insights including coupons to print.  It's not just grocery store coupons either.  This past Christmas, my son wanted to buy a "Sit And Spin" for his nephew for Christmas.  It just so happens that there was a $10 off coupon on one of the Internet coupon sites.  It wasn't limited to any specific store.  He took the coupon to ToysRUs and got the toy for $10 cheaper than the advertised price.  Pretty cool, huh?  You can find pet product coupons, baby item coupons, etc on these sites.  All you have to go is click the little checkbox and then print when ready.

Another great source of savings is the "customer savings cards" offered at many of the chain grocery stores, like Kroger, and chain drug stores, like CVS.  Years ago, they were considered a pain in the butt - now they are a staple to every savy shopper.  Not only do you get discounts on items listed on sale, but you can earn extra "bucks" to use in the store (or in the case of Kroger, at the gas pump). By having the customer savings card, you are also added to their snail mail list and you may receive coupons/free samples in the mail from participating manufacturers.  You don't have to pay for the customer savings cards at Kroger or CVS.  Some places, like BooksAMillion, charge a fee for their card so think how much you plan on spending at a store annually before you purchase a card.

And last but not least, don't forget to check the weekly sale papers.  You can find these online and even have the link sent to your email. Many will allow you to click an item in the online sale paper and it will print out a shopping list for you.  Great time saver!

The best feeling in the world is to look at the register total prior to the cashier scanning your customer savings card and your coupons then watch the number drop as the system calculates your savings.  I'm just a rookie and I can save anywhere from $30-$50 with my customer card and coupons on my bimonthly grocery trips.  And that will pay for a pedicure or even a haircut.  All just from clipping coupons...

The Sad Days of May

This has been a sad week of remembrances for me. My first husband and I would have been married 30 years on May 3. We separated on Mother's Day 15 years ago. I met TheColdOne 12 years ago this past week on a blind date. It's enough to make me absolutely dread the first week of May because it dredges up so many conflicting and heart wrenching memories. When you add in the perpetual state of limbo that I am currently living in while waiting for the divorce hearing to be scheduled, it's no wonder that I'm feeling a bit down in the dumps now.

I think it has been a good thing that the whole divorce drama has dragged out for so long, though. It has given me a chance to get my feet solidly back under me and learn to love myself again. It has given me a chance to distance myself from the emotional reaction and move to the practical regarding the divorce. I haven't met some of the personal goals I have set for myself - like losing weight - which really bums me out but the uncontrolled diabetes is making that really difficult. Believe it or not I have not seen TheColdOne once since January 20, 2009 when I drove away from HellHouse for the last time. But since we certainly don't move in the same circles, I didn't expect we would bump into each other. The one time he ran into my daughter, he hightailed it out of the restaurant like a scalded dog. She laughingly said that she never realized her little 5'1" self could be so intimidating.

I worry sometimes that I'm isolating myself too much. I am working 12+ hours a day and sometimes on the weekend. I had to give up my spot on the Red Cross DAT team for now because of my work schedule - but I will be back on duty as soon as I can cut back the hours. I still have my weekly trivia nights and dinner with family/friends not to mention a lively 2 1/2 year old grandson. It is something that I have to be very aware of as it is easy for me to draw into my own little shell.

Working from home has its benefits but it also has its drawbacks. Having interaction with co-workers over the phone or via email is weird - especially when you have never seen them in person. We joke about how we would not even know each other in a crowded room unless we were talking. You lose some of the connectivity with co-workers but on the plus side you avoid any drama in the workplace.

I've hit a bit of writer's block on the new book. I'm finding myself going all over the place with it and not pinning down a consistent focus for the theme. I've asked God to guide me in any way that He sees fit but I'm having trouble with giving up trying to be in control of things. Maybe that's why I'm struggling with the focus...

I have not been as consistent about attending church over the past few weeks which has really left me grasping - just sitting in the church and taking communion gives me such a feeling of peace and comfort. Not to mention how much I enjoy being with my church family.

So it's time to take hold of my own shoulders and give them a good shake. I have so very many blessings that it really is ridiculous for me to focus on the few negatives in my life. After all the "sad days of May" are now behind me and I survived them without any emotional or physical damage. That in itself is something to be grateful for.

"I'll Pray for You" - My New Theme Song

Something to make you laugh - my daughter says that she immediately thought of me when she first heard this song. Remember that laughter IS the best medicine...

Learning Life Lessons From A Squirrel

Whew! Who knew that single life would be so exhausting (in a good way)?  Between Easter, birthdays, weddings, working up a book proposal, etc. I've had little time to breath much less post on my blogs.  But rest assured, I'm still here and still fighting.

Here's a perfect example of what life lessons you need to remember when going through a divorce - courtesy of some squirrels raiding the bird feeder in my back yard this week...

Set your goals and reach for what you want.  Sure it may have you over-extended but getting the prize is certainly worth it!

Life may twist you up in knots and leave you hanging by your toenails, but don't stop reaching for what you want.  Sometimes the "fight" makes it even more sweet.

Don't be afraid to call on friends to help you get through this time in your life.  A friend will bail you out of jail - a true friend will be sitting next to you in the cell saying "damn that was fun!"

And when all else fails, stare straight at your problems (or problem person) and say "F*$& You and The Horse You Rode in On"! It doesn't solve the issue but it sure makes you feel better!

Look for life's lessons in the simple things - it's amazing what you can learn from watching nature!
God Bless You!

Are You Lonesome Tonight?

One of the biggest adjustments that I've had to make was living alone for the first time in my entire life.  I went straight from my parents house to my first home with my first husband, to living with just the kids then back to living with a husband. I was truly petrified to live alone.  It wasn't being by myself that scared me - it was being ALONE.

The word "ALONE"  conjurs up all kinds of images.  I think of some of the older ladies at church who have no spouse or kids.  It reminds me of the crazy cat lady you hear about frequently in the news - you know the one who had 250 cats in her little house to keep her company.  I also think of so many of the patients I've worked with over the years, living by themselves, eating dinner provided by meals on wheels and watching game shows. Then there is always the dreaded image of the woman always by herself, eating out at restaurants with only a book for company or going to a movie theater and saying "ticket for one".  YIKES!

To make matters worse, I have always been afraid of the dark - always had a light on or TV on somewhere in the house at night.  Yes - it led to many arguments when I was with TheColdOne about how the TV interrupted his "beauty sleep", but it didn't matter.  When TheColdOne went on his many overnight trips, I would sometimes sleep with the TV AND the bedroom light on.  Silly - yes but it was comforting to me. It made me feel less ALONE.

The strange thing is most of us are ALONE even though we are married with kids and responsibilities and stuff.  You take care of everyone else but they all scatter when you are in need.  Or you just need the feeling of togetherness that discussing a problem situation can bring -  instead you end up getting a lecture about why you shouldn't feel a certain way. Sometimes the fear of being ALONE can drive one to stay in a horrendous mentally devastating relationship - after all, something is better than nothing. Or is it?

Instead of curling up in a quivering ball of jello when the sun went down, I discovered that being alone was not quite what I had imagined it would be.  It wasn't a curse - in fact, most times it is a blessing.  I call the shots - eat when and what I want, go to bed when I want, do what I want, etc all without worrying about someone else's wants or needs.  One night soon after I moved in, I really wanted a chocolate milkshake.  I realized then that if I wanted a damn milkshake, I could just go get it.  No one would be saying things like "you really don't need that" or "while you're out will you pick up this for me".  Hmmm this isn't so bad after all.

Things that I love to do - read, write, do crossword puzzles, watch movies - I could do without having the drumbeat of complaining in the background. The freedom was quite liberating.  For the first time in my life I am the one calling the shots and making the decisions. If I want to sit on my patio in a pair of torn up shorts with my hair piled up on my head while chain smoking cigarettes and drinking one can of diet coke after another, so be it.  It's not always sweetness and light though - there are some times when having to make decisions by yourself is hard.  It's an adjustment to rely on yourself instead of someone else.  But man does it make you stronger. 

While I may live alone, I am not lonely. God is always with me and is so much better company than some people I know.  The silence has been such a blessing because that's when it is easier to talk to God.  As the wonderful Billy Graham once said "You are never alone if you know Christ - never!"

So enjoy your alone time. Use this time to learn who you are and what you like instead of worrying about taking care of everyone else.  And take advantage of the silence to deepen your relationship with God.  Remember "alone" does not always mean "lonely".

You Just Have to Laugh

The old saying, "Laughter is the best medicine", certainly holds true when you are going through a divorce and/or depression. A year ago I thought I would never laugh again but it truly comes easy now.

Find something that makes you laugh.  A good comedy on video is a great start.  I love "First Wives' Club" just because of the whole "revenge" thing.  If you don't mind foul language, go for the belly laughs with "The Hangover" - especially the taser scene or the naked man jumping out of the trunk scene or the Mike Tyson scene. (Can you tell I love this movie?)  I can't stop laughing when I watch it.  Whatever you do, stay away from romantic comedies.  They always have a syrupy happily ever after moment and we all know that kind of stuff doesn't happen in the real world. Serious dramas are a no-no. The world is just too damned depressing to have to stress out while watching a movie. 

I am blessed to have a busy 2 1/2 year old grandson who loves to laugh.  When he comes over, we just play.  It doesn't matter what we do - both of us end up laughing.  It' so freeing to just be silly.  So if you have a little one around, get down on the floor, play with the cars and make stupid noises. Grab some playdoh and make funny animals. If it's warm enough, go outside and crank up the water hose - that will certainly bring a lot of laughs.  You'll be amazed at how good you feel. And the little one will enjoy it as much as you.

If you can't find a toddler and you've run out of movie choices, pop over to YouTube on the Internet.  You can find all sorts of funny videos there. Type "reporter bloopers" in the search box and you can spend hours howling with laughter at some of the results. If you're desperate and potty-humor makes you laugh, find one of the online fart machines.  If you are anything like me, that will get you started laughing right off the bat.

Whatever brings you joy - do it.  Laugh outloud.  Laugh at something stupid that you just did - I leaned over too far in my chair the other day and tipped out onto the floor.  After I realized I wasn't hurt, I sat on the floor laughing at the stupidity of it all. Don't be embarrassed - just let it all out.  Your heart will feel 10lbs lighter.

Our time on this earth is too short to sit around in a perpetual pity party.  Sure the whole world situation stinks right now - money is tight and you're going through so many changes that you don't know what to do.  But if you can laugh, you can better deal with the crap sandwich you've been handed.

Hope in A Crisis

I took this picture in my back yard yesterday.  I was burning some leaves in my little "burn bucket" and the smoke picked up the rays of sunlight coming through the tree.  The beautiful rays of sun were hidden until the smoke brought them into view.

What a perfect image to demonstrate how a crisis can work in your life.  Something dark and overwhelming can reveal an inner beauty that you could not see before.  Some of the most profound experiences I've shared with God were brought about by crisis - most especially during this divorce.  Little did I know that the "smoke" of being a discarded spouse would bring out the rays of light in my life.

No matter how dire the circumstances or dark the day, there is hope hidden among the darkness.
May God continue to bless you in your time of need.