Mistakes – we’ve all made them. After all, we’re human beings. I used to tell my kids that if they ever reached a point where they made no mistakes, then we should call Oprah and get a spot on her show. What is important is learning from the mistakes and not repeating them over and over. But mistakes, especially in our personal lives, tend to hang around like that pesky bug-repellant resistant gnat on a warm spring evening.
You can’t move on with your life while you are still beating yourself up about the past. That’s why self-forgiveness is such a vital part of letting go. You cannot begin to forgive others until you forgive yourself.
Forgiving yourself doesn’t mean that you refuse to accept responsibility for your actions, behavior, etc. In reality you’ve probably taken more responsibility than is necessary for some of the things you’ve done. We are our own worse critics. How many times have you said to yourself “How could I be so stupid?” or “What the heck was I thinking?” On any given day, I could count at least 30 times. But it’s different – it’s usually just inane day to day things that are quickly forgotten. They don’t wrap you up in an emotional bodycast like issues involving you personal life.
Unfortunately there is no quick-fix for self-forgiveness. It’s truly hard. I think it’s harder to forgive yourself than it is to forgive someone else. Self-forgiveness is NOT a sign of weakness – it takes courage and strength. It moves you from the victim to the conqueror. It is one of the greatest gifts you can give to yourself.
There are all kinds of 5 step “programs” and self help books about forgiving yourself. But what truly helped me was The Book – and a lot of prayer. You should do whatever works for you but I can’t recommend anything better than help from God.
If you are truly wanting to move forward and forgive yourself, the following prayer will help you get on your way…
Dear Heavenly Father, I understand that there is nothing to gain by holding myself in unforgiveness and there is everything to gain by releasing myself from unforgiveness and beginning the process of healing. I want to move forward and make a positive difference in the future. Because Jesus died for my sins, I choose to forgive myself – to no longer punish myself and be angry with myself. I forgive myself for letting this hurt control me and for hurting others out of my hurt. I repent of this behavior and my attitude. I ask for Your forgiveness and healing. God help me to never again retain unforgiveness of myself or others. Thank you for loving me and for Your grace to move forward with You. In Jesus’ name, AMEN.
My brother and sister-in-law gave me a plaque with the following message... "It's not where you've been that counts, it's where you're going". Don’t let the regrets of your past hold you down. Let go of the regrets and move on with your life. There is a future out there just for you.
Release the past by letting go of the regrets - It is impossible to inhale fresh air until you exhale the old.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
We Interrupt This Recovery For a Melt-Down
OK - time for a little reality check here. I have been so very proud of myself for making it so far without any major issues. I've survived and thrived since the separation. But just when I'm getting ready to give myself a big old pat on the back, along comes the first melt-down in a long time. Forget about Christmas, Birthdays, New Years Eve, our anniversary - the nasty little melt-down came on Valentine's Day.
I'm sure being sick as a dog didn't help matters much - I've been battling a severe cold all week that has finally settled into my chest along with a fever. This means less sleep, more medicine and just general loopiness. Add in the horrible weather and inability to get outside and you have a nasty combination.
Anyway, I found myself really down this weekend. I guess all the jewelry commercials and all the pajama-gram ads finally got to me - you know all the lovey-dovey smoochie syrupy sweetness and happily ever after crap. Those ads are hard to take on a good day much less one in which you are feeling like you are sitting on the edge of a razor blade with a head the size of Texas.
Believe it or not, I actually found myself missing my life with TheColdOne. Not the WHOLE life but those moments where he made me feel safe. You know - curling up in bed together, holding me when I was upset kind of things. I started thinking about some of the silly little habits we had - like not getting out of the car when we pulled up at the house until we kissed. How at night he would put his feet against my leg and tell me that it made him feel good to know I was next to him. Our Friday nights going to the Huddle House followed by the grocery store and later with our granddaughter Olivia. Even typing these things now brings tears to my eyes.
I was almost to the point of firing off an email to TheColdOne. Thank goodness the cough medicine kicked in and made me sleepy. What an embarassment that would have been...
So now that 24 hours have passed and the medication has worn off, I can look at things in a more detached way. Do I miss the companionship? Oh yeah. Do I miss the comfort? Of course. How about having someone to talk to about the news, the weather or just stupid stuff? Sure I miss that. And the intimacy of a marriage - missing that goes without saying. BUT do I miss it enough to humiliate myself and undo all the hard work I've done over the past year. No. Not just No but Hell No.
The reality is that this IS reality. It's not a fairy tale or some romance novel. There will be no "happily ever after" ending. I don't believe in those anymore. The last 6 years of my marriage were a lie and a farce. There is nothing left there for me and I need to remind myself of that whenever I hit a patch like this one. And if that doesn't work, then I just need to close my eyes and see the hateful eyes of TheColdOne that Tuesday night in Jan 2009. That wakes me up quicker than an ice cold cup of water in the face.
This is my life. And I will live it to the fullest. I deserve it and I've earned it. Even if I have only a stuffed rabbit to snuggle with. At least I don't have to worry about the stuffed animal ripping my heart out.
On an even more positive note - this little rough patch did not get so bad that I needed to have my meds changed. I didn't even need a Xanax. Now that is something to really be proud of.
Tomorrow will be a better day - back to taking things one day at a time for a while until I get my feet back under me. Onward and upward my friends...
I'm sure being sick as a dog didn't help matters much - I've been battling a severe cold all week that has finally settled into my chest along with a fever. This means less sleep, more medicine and just general loopiness. Add in the horrible weather and inability to get outside and you have a nasty combination.
Anyway, I found myself really down this weekend. I guess all the jewelry commercials and all the pajama-gram ads finally got to me - you know all the lovey-dovey smoochie syrupy sweetness and happily ever after crap. Those ads are hard to take on a good day much less one in which you are feeling like you are sitting on the edge of a razor blade with a head the size of Texas.
Believe it or not, I actually found myself missing my life with TheColdOne. Not the WHOLE life but those moments where he made me feel safe. You know - curling up in bed together, holding me when I was upset kind of things. I started thinking about some of the silly little habits we had - like not getting out of the car when we pulled up at the house until we kissed. How at night he would put his feet against my leg and tell me that it made him feel good to know I was next to him. Our Friday nights going to the Huddle House followed by the grocery store and later with our granddaughter Olivia. Even typing these things now brings tears to my eyes.
I was almost to the point of firing off an email to TheColdOne. Thank goodness the cough medicine kicked in and made me sleepy. What an embarassment that would have been...
So now that 24 hours have passed and the medication has worn off, I can look at things in a more detached way. Do I miss the companionship? Oh yeah. Do I miss the comfort? Of course. How about having someone to talk to about the news, the weather or just stupid stuff? Sure I miss that. And the intimacy of a marriage - missing that goes without saying. BUT do I miss it enough to humiliate myself and undo all the hard work I've done over the past year. No. Not just No but Hell No.
The reality is that this IS reality. It's not a fairy tale or some romance novel. There will be no "happily ever after" ending. I don't believe in those anymore. The last 6 years of my marriage were a lie and a farce. There is nothing left there for me and I need to remind myself of that whenever I hit a patch like this one. And if that doesn't work, then I just need to close my eyes and see the hateful eyes of TheColdOne that Tuesday night in Jan 2009. That wakes me up quicker than an ice cold cup of water in the face.
This is my life. And I will live it to the fullest. I deserve it and I've earned it. Even if I have only a stuffed rabbit to snuggle with. At least I don't have to worry about the stuffed animal ripping my heart out.
On an even more positive note - this little rough patch did not get so bad that I needed to have my meds changed. I didn't even need a Xanax. Now that is something to really be proud of.
Tomorrow will be a better day - back to taking things one day at a time for a while until I get my feet back under me. Onward and upward my friends...
Saturday, February 13, 2010
The Hardest Part - Letting Go Part I
I love the Serenity Prayer but I have a hard time living by it. I just can't seem to get the "accept the things I cannot change" through my head or my heart. I'm a "fixer" - if it's broken I want to fix it. I guess that's one of the reasons I became a nurse - to help "fix" people. I do great with that - it's the "fix myself" part that is a boulder in my path. The phrase "nurse heal thyself" comes to mind.
I like to dwell on past mistakes - especially my own. The self-flagellation has also been one of my strongest habits. Should-a, would-a, could-a - all frequently used words in my lexicon. But this past 14 months has really made me focus on letting go of the past. Oh my - it has been a struggle. And I still have days where I just can't seem to get out of the muck of my past. Yet I have made headway.
I think it's only natural when you go through a separation and divorce to beat up on yourself. If beating up on yourself left a physical mark, I would be just one big fat bruise. The problem is this gets you nowhere and just causes a further downward spiral. You end up curling up in a ball in the bed dosed up on Xanax and Sonata with sleep as an escape. That is no way to spend your life - the life that God has blessed you with.
So the first thing you have to do when you MUST let go is forgive yourself. Yes I was a major pain in the ass. My depression saturated every moment of my marriage and left everyone walking on eggshells. I didn't do enough, I did too much, I loved too hard, I didn't love enough, yada yada yada. The list could go on and on. BUT I can't call Superman and have him speed around the world counter-clockwise to go back in time. I have to deal with it and move forward. Not one moment of fretting or hand-wringing will change a thing - it is what it is.
If you are like me, you can't move into the "forgive yourself" mode without first getting your depression under control. Otherwise you will end up beating yourself up mentally and spiral further down into the dark crevice. Most everyone I know is on some type of anti-depressant medication. Some overprescribed but most truly needed. The old stigma of depression has long faded. Make an appointment with a psychiatrist for an eval. I've tried using my general practice MD for my anti-depressant meds and ended up in a world of hurt.
I had a MD, prior to my ending up with the psychiatrist, that would just give me what I asked for. Can't sleep? Here's some Sonata. Anxious? Here's some Xanax. Need to lose weight? Here's some Phenteramine. Sinus problems? Try some Zyrtec. Add all this together with 2 different antidepressants and you have one big old mess. It was like a roller coaster of emotions - uppers, downers, relaxers, you name it. Managing your medications is one of the most important things a psychiatrist can do to help you.
Realize that the medications do not kick in instantly - most take at least 2 weeks to reach their full effect. You may get an effect after starting the meds that is more in your mind than from the meds. The notion of relief that help is on the way can ease some of your anxiety - but don't take that as a sign that you really don't need your medication. Sometimes you have to go through different dosages and different medications to find what works for you. That is where the psychiatrist comes in - NEVER adjust your meds yourself or change your meds without consulting with the psychiatrist. And KEEP those appointments with the psychiatrist!
Try not to make any major life changes or decisions while you are going through the medication adjustment. Unfortunately, TheColdOne made those changes for me and I had to muddle through the best I could. Those days will be some of the darkest you will ever encounter but you will get through them. I remember feeling like a real-life zombie - just going through the motions and hopefully getting through to the next day. If not for my family, my friends, and most importantly, God, I know that I would not be here writing on a blog. It was that bad - but I made it through.
The next post I'll explore the difficult task of forgiving yourself. Letting go is hard and not something that can be covered in just one blog post. It takes time, energy and pain (as if you needed any more pain) but you can do it. I can testify to that.
May God Bless You.
I like to dwell on past mistakes - especially my own. The self-flagellation has also been one of my strongest habits. Should-a, would-a, could-a - all frequently used words in my lexicon. But this past 14 months has really made me focus on letting go of the past. Oh my - it has been a struggle. And I still have days where I just can't seem to get out of the muck of my past. Yet I have made headway.
I think it's only natural when you go through a separation and divorce to beat up on yourself. If beating up on yourself left a physical mark, I would be just one big fat bruise. The problem is this gets you nowhere and just causes a further downward spiral. You end up curling up in a ball in the bed dosed up on Xanax and Sonata with sleep as an escape. That is no way to spend your life - the life that God has blessed you with.
So the first thing you have to do when you MUST let go is forgive yourself. Yes I was a major pain in the ass. My depression saturated every moment of my marriage and left everyone walking on eggshells. I didn't do enough, I did too much, I loved too hard, I didn't love enough, yada yada yada. The list could go on and on. BUT I can't call Superman and have him speed around the world counter-clockwise to go back in time. I have to deal with it and move forward. Not one moment of fretting or hand-wringing will change a thing - it is what it is.
If you are like me, you can't move into the "forgive yourself" mode without first getting your depression under control. Otherwise you will end up beating yourself up mentally and spiral further down into the dark crevice. Most everyone I know is on some type of anti-depressant medication. Some overprescribed but most truly needed. The old stigma of depression has long faded. Make an appointment with a psychiatrist for an eval. I've tried using my general practice MD for my anti-depressant meds and ended up in a world of hurt.
I had a MD, prior to my ending up with the psychiatrist, that would just give me what I asked for. Can't sleep? Here's some Sonata. Anxious? Here's some Xanax. Need to lose weight? Here's some Phenteramine. Sinus problems? Try some Zyrtec. Add all this together with 2 different antidepressants and you have one big old mess. It was like a roller coaster of emotions - uppers, downers, relaxers, you name it. Managing your medications is one of the most important things a psychiatrist can do to help you.
Realize that the medications do not kick in instantly - most take at least 2 weeks to reach their full effect. You may get an effect after starting the meds that is more in your mind than from the meds. The notion of relief that help is on the way can ease some of your anxiety - but don't take that as a sign that you really don't need your medication. Sometimes you have to go through different dosages and different medications to find what works for you. That is where the psychiatrist comes in - NEVER adjust your meds yourself or change your meds without consulting with the psychiatrist. And KEEP those appointments with the psychiatrist!
Try not to make any major life changes or decisions while you are going through the medication adjustment. Unfortunately, TheColdOne made those changes for me and I had to muddle through the best I could. Those days will be some of the darkest you will ever encounter but you will get through them. I remember feeling like a real-life zombie - just going through the motions and hopefully getting through to the next day. If not for my family, my friends, and most importantly, God, I know that I would not be here writing on a blog. It was that bad - but I made it through.
The next post I'll explore the difficult task of forgiving yourself. Letting go is hard and not something that can be covered in just one blog post. It takes time, energy and pain (as if you needed any more pain) but you can do it. I can testify to that.
May God Bless You.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Let Go and Let God
My Dad always tells me that he has never seen God work in someone's life like He has worked in mine. It is humbling and scary at the same time but also gives me great comfort. It seems like whenever I am doubting myself or fretting over circumstances beyond my control I receive a "message" that reminds me to "let go and let God." Now don't think I have taken leave of my senses - it's not a "voice in my head" kind of thing. Let me explain...
Almost 1 year ago I was really fretting over whether or not to pursue a counterclaim in my divorce. Money was tight and it was obvious that TheColdOne was NOT going to negotiate a fair settlement. I was just about at the point where I wanted to throw in the towel and say "to Hell with it". Well I always listen to talk radio when I'm working. Glenn Beck at 9am, Rush at 12 then switch stations to catch Hannity at 3. On the day I was fixing to call it quits, I was tied up on the computer and didn't get a chance to change the radio station. Dave Ramsey's show came on - which I NEVER listen to - and the first caller was asking about her mortgage as it related to her pending divorce. The caller explained how her soon to be ex was forcing her to make a decision that she was not comfortable with just yet. Dave went into a mini-rant and told the caller to hang firm, do what was right for her and her family and ignore the "bully". Ding Ding Ding - a switch flipped in me - it was like Dave was talking right to me. Now some may call this a coincidence but I call it the hand of God.
Just a few days ago, I found myself fretting again over money. I had just finished my taxes and the final result showed I owed the federal government some money. My co-pays for MD appointments and medications had just gone up on Jan 1. I did have a second job for most of last year but that ended on January 1st when the agency finally got fully staffed. Not to mention that my oil needs changing in my car, my grocery bill has shot up since I was diagnosed with uncontrolled diabetes and the coldest winter in years means a much higher electric bill. Yada Yada Yada - you know the story.
On the very day I found out that I couldn't cash in some of my accrued time off, I took a break from work and checked my personal email. I subscribe to a daily email devotional sent out by The Purpose Driven Life. I usually read them but lately had deleted them without reading. This day I opened up the top one in my inbox. What I read literally took my breath away... Here's how the text of the devotional began...
"God promises to meet all your financial needs, if you (1) ask him for help, (2) learn to be content, (3) practice giving in faith, (4) maintain your integrity and (5) trust him with your life."
Coincidence? I think not.
The very next paragraph made my heart beat a bit faster...
"Worry is really just a form of atheism. Every time you worry, you're acting like an atheist. You're saying 'It all depends on me'. That's just not in the Bible. Worry is a warning light that you doubt the love of God..."
Another coincidence? No way.
So the next time you are fretting - whether it be over money or any of the other myriad of things that pop up in your day to day life, remember these words from Matthew...
"...Your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need." Matthew 6:32-33
In other words - just Let Go and Let God.
Blessings to you all.
Almost 1 year ago I was really fretting over whether or not to pursue a counterclaim in my divorce. Money was tight and it was obvious that TheColdOne was NOT going to negotiate a fair settlement. I was just about at the point where I wanted to throw in the towel and say "to Hell with it". Well I always listen to talk radio when I'm working. Glenn Beck at 9am, Rush at 12 then switch stations to catch Hannity at 3. On the day I was fixing to call it quits, I was tied up on the computer and didn't get a chance to change the radio station. Dave Ramsey's show came on - which I NEVER listen to - and the first caller was asking about her mortgage as it related to her pending divorce. The caller explained how her soon to be ex was forcing her to make a decision that she was not comfortable with just yet. Dave went into a mini-rant and told the caller to hang firm, do what was right for her and her family and ignore the "bully". Ding Ding Ding - a switch flipped in me - it was like Dave was talking right to me. Now some may call this a coincidence but I call it the hand of God.
Just a few days ago, I found myself fretting again over money. I had just finished my taxes and the final result showed I owed the federal government some money. My co-pays for MD appointments and medications had just gone up on Jan 1. I did have a second job for most of last year but that ended on January 1st when the agency finally got fully staffed. Not to mention that my oil needs changing in my car, my grocery bill has shot up since I was diagnosed with uncontrolled diabetes and the coldest winter in years means a much higher electric bill. Yada Yada Yada - you know the story.
On the very day I found out that I couldn't cash in some of my accrued time off, I took a break from work and checked my personal email. I subscribe to a daily email devotional sent out by The Purpose Driven Life. I usually read them but lately had deleted them without reading. This day I opened up the top one in my inbox. What I read literally took my breath away... Here's how the text of the devotional began...
"God promises to meet all your financial needs, if you (1) ask him for help, (2) learn to be content, (3) practice giving in faith, (4) maintain your integrity and (5) trust him with your life."
Coincidence? I think not.
The very next paragraph made my heart beat a bit faster...
"Worry is really just a form of atheism. Every time you worry, you're acting like an atheist. You're saying 'It all depends on me'. That's just not in the Bible. Worry is a warning light that you doubt the love of God..."
Another coincidence? No way.
So the next time you are fretting - whether it be over money or any of the other myriad of things that pop up in your day to day life, remember these words from Matthew...
"...Your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need." Matthew 6:32-33
In other words - just Let Go and Let God.
Blessings to you all.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Time for Taxes - Some Tips for Those Floating in Limbo
Obviously the people responsible for writing the tax codes have never been in the midst of a divorce at tax time. If they had been you could bet the rules would be different. If you are like me and still stuck in limbo because your one-day-soon-ex is dragging his feet on the final divorce hearing, then the IRS does not like you very much.
First let's talk about filing status. If you are still married on 12/31, you must pick one of the "married" filing status choices. Here's how the IRS defines "married"...
You are considered married for the whole year if on the last day of your tax year you and your spouse meet any one of the following tests.
1. You are married and living together as husband and wife.
2. You are living together in a common law marriage that is recognized in the state where you now live or in the state where the common law marriage began.
3. You are married and living apart, but not legally separated under a decree of divorce or separate maintenance.
4. You are separated under an interlocutory (not final) decree of divorce. For purposes of filing a joint return, you are not considered divorced.
The one exception is if you have lived apart from your spouse for months and have a dependent in the home that you provide for - then you can file as Head of Household.
Here's the IRS qualifications for filing Head of Household...
You are considered unmarried on the last day of the tax year if you meet all the following tests.
1. You file a separate return
2. You paid more than half the cost of keeping up your home for the tax year.
3. Your spouse did not live in your home during the last 6 months of the tax year. Your spouse is considered to live in your home even if he or she is temporarily absent due to special circumstances.
4. Your home was the main home of your child, stepchild, or foster child for more than half the year.
5. You must be able to claim an exemption for the child.
If you are like me and have no children in the home, you are stuck with the married choices.
I don't even want to share TheColdOne's last name or admit to even being his wife, much less file taxes jointly with him. I don't want to know his "business" (unless it pertains to the divorce settlement) and the last thing I want is for him to know MY business. That whole sharing thing ended the day I drove away from the House of Horrors for the last time. So the only choice is filing "Married - filing separately".
Problem with Married-filing separately (MFS) is you end up getting penalized for the lack of a signed divorce decree. If your spouse has the house, you end up even more screwed because you lose all those deductions. If you had to take a 2nd or even a 3rd job to make ends meet, you are toast as that throws you into an even higher tax bracket.
There are several deductions that you cannot claim since you are stuck with filing MFS. You are not allowed to deduct any interest paid on student loans when filing MFS. Now this really pisses me off since I am the one that paying for my kids' college education and I don't even get the benefit of deducting the interest. You cannot take the credit for child and dependent care. You cannot take the earned income credit.
Oh and that wonderful First Time Homebuyers Credit? You're screwed there also. You only get to claim $4000 rather than the full $8000.
The following credits/deductions are at half the allowance if you were filing jointly...
a. The child tax credit
b. The retirement savings contributions credit
c. Itemized deductions
d. The deduction for personal exemptions.
If your soon-to-be ex doesn't itemize his taxes, you are crap out of luck - you both must itemize or both take standard deduction.
And you just gotta love the first line from the IRS publication about MFS...
Your tax rate generally will be higher than it would be on a joint return.
Yes it sucks and yes it is not fair that you are having to take a hit on the taxes because someone is such a control freak that they won't schedule a final hearing. But welcome to the world of "Life Isn't Fair". There isn't a darned thing you can do except make some plans for the future.
If your OMG-please-be-my-ex is like mine and you are looking at a long drawn out divorce process, there are some things you can do to prepare for next year. Get a Separate Maintenance Agreement ASAP (also known as legal separation). This will free you up financially - not just with taxes but if you need to close out a 401K for the extra money. It may cost you a little more in attorney's fees but at this point, who gives a rat's ass? You will end up saving money in the long run should this mess drag on.
Whatever you do - DO NOT GIVE IN OR GIVE UP! There is a reason the soon-to-be ex is dragging the whole divorce thing out. It is to make you cave in and say "to hell with it". It is just another attempt to control and bully you. In his mind, if the whole thing gets repeatedly delayed, you will eventually reach a point where you cry "Uncle" financially and mentally. It's how he treated you during the marriage and that's how you always responded. Even if you end up with nothing more than the cost of your attorney, you can hold your head high and say "I stood up to the bully" because that is all he is.
So get the legal separation and file your taxes. Take the hit now but know that you are prepared for the future. If you have to file an extension with the IRS, do it and don't fret about it. You have to file your taxes - even if you don't want to. And stand firm - it's not going to be easy but it will damned sure be worth it!
First let's talk about filing status. If you are still married on 12/31, you must pick one of the "married" filing status choices. Here's how the IRS defines "married"...
You are considered married for the whole year if on the last day of your tax year you and your spouse meet any one of the following tests.
1. You are married and living together as husband and wife.
2. You are living together in a common law marriage that is recognized in the state where you now live or in the state where the common law marriage began.
3. You are married and living apart, but not legally separated under a decree of divorce or separate maintenance.
4. You are separated under an interlocutory (not final) decree of divorce. For purposes of filing a joint return, you are not considered divorced.
The one exception is if you have lived apart from your spouse for months and have a dependent in the home that you provide for - then you can file as Head of Household.
Here's the IRS qualifications for filing Head of Household...
You are considered unmarried on the last day of the tax year if you meet all the following tests.
1. You file a separate return
2. You paid more than half the cost of keeping up your home for the tax year.
3. Your spouse did not live in your home during the last 6 months of the tax year. Your spouse is considered to live in your home even if he or she is temporarily absent due to special circumstances.
4. Your home was the main home of your child, stepchild, or foster child for more than half the year.
5. You must be able to claim an exemption for the child.
If you are like me and have no children in the home, you are stuck with the married choices.
I don't even want to share TheColdOne's last name or admit to even being his wife, much less file taxes jointly with him. I don't want to know his "business" (unless it pertains to the divorce settlement) and the last thing I want is for him to know MY business. That whole sharing thing ended the day I drove away from the House of Horrors for the last time. So the only choice is filing "Married - filing separately".
Problem with Married-filing separately (MFS) is you end up getting penalized for the lack of a signed divorce decree. If your spouse has the house, you end up even more screwed because you lose all those deductions. If you had to take a 2nd or even a 3rd job to make ends meet, you are toast as that throws you into an even higher tax bracket.
There are several deductions that you cannot claim since you are stuck with filing MFS. You are not allowed to deduct any interest paid on student loans when filing MFS. Now this really pisses me off since I am the one that paying for my kids' college education and I don't even get the benefit of deducting the interest. You cannot take the credit for child and dependent care. You cannot take the earned income credit.
Oh and that wonderful First Time Homebuyers Credit? You're screwed there also. You only get to claim $4000 rather than the full $8000.
The following credits/deductions are at half the allowance if you were filing jointly...
a. The child tax credit
b. The retirement savings contributions credit
c. Itemized deductions
d. The deduction for personal exemptions.
If your soon-to-be ex doesn't itemize his taxes, you are crap out of luck - you both must itemize or both take standard deduction.
And you just gotta love the first line from the IRS publication about MFS...
Your tax rate generally will be higher than it would be on a joint return.
Yes it sucks and yes it is not fair that you are having to take a hit on the taxes because someone is such a control freak that they won't schedule a final hearing. But welcome to the world of "Life Isn't Fair". There isn't a darned thing you can do except make some plans for the future.
If your OMG-please-be-my-ex is like mine and you are looking at a long drawn out divorce process, there are some things you can do to prepare for next year. Get a Separate Maintenance Agreement ASAP (also known as legal separation). This will free you up financially - not just with taxes but if you need to close out a 401K for the extra money. It may cost you a little more in attorney's fees but at this point, who gives a rat's ass? You will end up saving money in the long run should this mess drag on.
Whatever you do - DO NOT GIVE IN OR GIVE UP! There is a reason the soon-to-be ex is dragging the whole divorce thing out. It is to make you cave in and say "to hell with it". It is just another attempt to control and bully you. In his mind, if the whole thing gets repeatedly delayed, you will eventually reach a point where you cry "Uncle" financially and mentally. It's how he treated you during the marriage and that's how you always responded. Even if you end up with nothing more than the cost of your attorney, you can hold your head high and say "I stood up to the bully" because that is all he is.
So get the legal separation and file your taxes. Take the hit now but know that you are prepared for the future. If you have to file an extension with the IRS, do it and don't fret about it. You have to file your taxes - even if you don't want to. And stand firm - it's not going to be easy but it will damned sure be worth it!
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