As someone once said, "all good things must come to an end". Since the divorce settlement has come in, I no longer fall into the category of a discarded spouse. It took almost 3 years to reach a point in my life where that label no longer fit. It was not a fun journey but oh was it worth it. I have reached the other side and am now entering a new phase of my life. I proved to myself that I am strong and valuable. I re-learned to love myself, flaws and all. Most importantly I turned back to God and am learning to place my trust in Him.
So the shackles of the past no longer bind me. I no longer harbor any hard feelings against TheColdOne. I don't regret the past - I embrace it. If not for the past,I would not be the person I am today. I would not have the blessings in my life now if not for the events of the past.
Now I move on to my next adventure - whatever God has in store for me. I thank you for following my journey and wish you nothing but peace, love and the blessings of our Lord Jesus Christ. Without him we are nothing.
May God continue to bless you!
Robin
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Thursday, September 29, 2011
My Daughter's Wedding
Well the wedding is done. The knot was officially tied Sat. Sept 24 at 5pm. The wedding ceremony was absolutely beautiful - outside with the groom's father officiating. The reception was incredible and quite a blast for everyone - especially when the wedding party danced into the reception ala the infamous Chris Brown viral wedding video. There has never been a bride as beautiful as my little girl - stunning looks enhanced by absolute joy at marrying her best friend. The groom's facial expression when he saw his bride for the first time was one of the most beautiful sights I have ever seen.From the day she was born, I had dreamed of and dreaded her wedding day. Tears flowed from everyone last Saturday. I don't know of one single person that didn't get teared up at some point. The entire family was involved in this wedding - both Jenn and Justin's little boys were the ring bearers. My Dad escorted the bride from the city center lobby to the wedding ceremony site. Jenn's Dad and I escorted her down the aisle together. Brothers of the bride and groom were groomsmen. The bride had a handkerchief passed down from her great grandmother to her great aunt pinned to the hem of her dress. Every single decoration, all the way down to the ceremony program fans to the bottles of water given to each guest to all the corsages & bouquets were put together by hand and with nothing but love. The decorations at the reception were all done by hand and oozed the love for our little Jenn. Even the decorations for the kids' table were handmade. There was a "memory" table at the reception with pictures of the family members who had to celebrate the wedding in heaven. The whole day was encased in a giant bubble of love.
Jenn did throw in a little curveball into the ceremony along with the help of her now father-in-law. Before they were officially announced as man and wife, both me and Tammy (Justin's Mom) were invited up to the ceremony area. It was announced that since we were the first ones to kiss our children when they came into the world, we were to give them one last kiss before sending them off into their married life. I honestly don't know how Tammy and I made it through that part.
A truce was called between Jenn's dad, his family and my family. Actually we all had a lot of fun together and bridges were mended. Jenn's Dad and I marveled at how wonderful Jenn turned out with two dysfunctional parents like us (LOL). We both commiserated at our stupid choices of 2nd spouses and how we both wish we could push time back. Alas - that's not an option so we just settled for enjoying the day together.
It was a beautiful day and one I will never forget. I
asked Jenn as they were getting ready to be driven away in the vintage convertible that Debi (a dear friend and the wedding planner) had wrangled up for them, if the wedding/reception was what she had dreamed of. With tears in her eyes, she said "it was so much more". No mom could ask for anything better than that.Monday, September 5, 2011
Maybe He's Just a Bully
Many times "discarded spouses" have been victims of bullies but just don't realize it. Think back on your relationship - did your ex ever accept responsibility for their behavior? If the answer is "no" or the majority of time the answer is "no", then you could be dealing with a bully. The inability to accept responsibility for their behavior is a hallmark sign of a bully.
Here is an example of the bully's instinctive response when confronted with their behavior - (see if this sounds familiar)...
1. Denial - the bully denies everything. He may do this by trivializing the matter ("this is just silly") or by attempting conciliation ("the past is over - let's not dwell on this").
2. Retaliation - the bully counterattacks. This is where lying, deception, duplicity, hypocisy and blame all can raise their ugly heads. You usually end up giving a long explanation about why this was such an issue and end up stepping all over your words. By the time you are done, YOU even wonder what got you so angry or upset.
3. Feigning victimhood - if #1 and #2 have failed, the bully will resort to playing the "victim card". He wails to everyone about how HE was wronged - How he did everything he could but could just never satisfy you. In other words, he plays the long-suffering martyr and YOU are the mean one.
The ultimate goal is to distract or divert your attention from the issue at hand. How many times did you end up feeling guilty for even bringing up the situation?
Did light bulbs go off over your head as you read through this? They did with me. It was like a script written of every single argument TheColdOne and I had.
One of the most defining moments of our divorce happened the day my parents came to help me pack my stuff. TheColdOne asked me when I was going to sign the divorce papers. I had explained previously that I was not signing anything until my attorney looked over it. Well my nerves were already frayed and I responded with "every time you ask me about signing the papers, I'm going to add a day to the wait to sign them". This set him off - he started yelling at me that I "couldn't move a damned thing out of the house until I signed the papers". The "old" Robin would have started crying and started apologizing. Not now - I loudly told him that he may have called the shots in our marriage but I was calling them in the divorce. The look on his face was priceless - it went from extreme anger to confusion in the blink of an eye. TheColdOne's attempt to bully me had failed.
Sometimes you just have to say "ENOUGH" and stand up for yourself. Other times, you should just simply walk out of the room. Staying calm and confident is very important. Think over a plan for how you will handle the situation the next time it happens - cause believe me it will happen again. If there is a chance of physical abuse, get out and don't look back.
Unfortunately, TheColdOne still tries to bully me even though the divorce is final. When he was forced to pay me a settlement (much larger than his original offer that he tried to bully me into signing), TheColdOne thought he would get the last laugh by writing a personal check made out to my attorney. That would prevent me from getting the money right away versus a cashier's check that would have immediately cleared. Then as the cherry on top of the ice cream, he put "DS2FALB" on the memo line of the check. For those not in the midst of an ugly divorce that stands for "Divorce Settlement to Fat-Ass Lying Bitch". But it didn't make me angry or upset, it made me laugh especially when I realized that it was simply another bullying tactic from an immature little man.
But I did get the last laugh - I had the attorney make a copy of the check. I then did a little artwork (the picture above) and have it framed over my desk so I am reminded every day that I am strong and can handle anything that comes my way. It's actually right below my picture of Jesus so I am reminded that I can do nothing without Him and His strength never wavers.
For more information about adult bullies and how to handle them, check out http://www.divorce360.com/. They have some great articles about anything related to divorce you can think of.
As always, may you always feel God's presence.
robin
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Learning That You Can Walk on Water - If You Keep Your Focus
So many times over the past 3 years I have allowed myself to wallow in a vat of self-pity with an extra large side order of "woe is me". Believe me I have tried to avoid it but sometimes I just can't help myself. The good thing about having so much time for introspection is that you start to learn a lot about yourself - sometimes it isn't so pretty either. It has helped open my eyes to what I should be focused on and where I need to expend my energy.
Remember the story of Jesus walking on the water? (Matthew 14:22-33) If you recall, Peter was able to walk on the water AS LONG AS HE KEPT HIS EYES ON JESUS! Once Peter started letting his mind wander, he began to sink in the water, Peter lost his trust in the Lord to keep him safe. That's what happens so many times in my life. Things will be rocking along just fine and them BLAM - I get hit upside the head with a "situation". Sure some situations are more dire than others - some are just simply petty little things that I let get me sidetracked. No matter what size the situation is, it so consumes my brain that I lose my focus and I start sinking down into the pit of pity and anger. I allow myself to take my eyes off Jesus and my walk with Him and try to fix things myself.
Oh I'm not so smart that I thought of this all by myself. It was in the midst of our priest's sermon about Peter and Jesus walking on water that the light bulb clicked on over my head. That is the missing piece - taking our eyes off the only one that can guide us through the darkness and despair while loving us just as much.
My grandmother had a beautiful picture of Jesus that I loved looking at as a kid. Goodness knows what happened to it after she died. While trying to find the right picture for my home office, I came across a framed print just like the one my grandma had. I bought it and it is now right over my computer monitor in my office. Whenever I feel like I'm starting to lose focus, I can look right up in Jesus' face and remember where my focus should be.
I highly recommend having some type of visual reminder close by at all times. It doesn't have to be anything expensive - it can be something as simple as a Bible verse written on an index card. Just keep it nearby so when your feet start sinking into the pit of pity, you have something to focus on. Believe me, it works and you won't be sorry.
While I'm thinking about it - here are a couple of other things that just recently helped me get through a difficult moment of two. First of all, the book "Heaven Is For Real". When you are doubting if walking with the Lord is worth it, flip through this book. You can't help but be inspired and probably somewhat relieved to know that Heaven is real.
Secondly, I must recommend the movie, "Soul Surfer". It is a true story and so inspirational that you will need a box of kleenex to get through it. If you are feeling sorry for yourself and questioning why you are here or what you did to deserve "this", turn on this movie. You will not feel the same by the time the credits begin to roll.
As always, may God be with you.
robin
Remember the story of Jesus walking on the water? (Matthew 14:22-33) If you recall, Peter was able to walk on the water AS LONG AS HE KEPT HIS EYES ON JESUS! Once Peter started letting his mind wander, he began to sink in the water, Peter lost his trust in the Lord to keep him safe. That's what happens so many times in my life. Things will be rocking along just fine and them BLAM - I get hit upside the head with a "situation". Sure some situations are more dire than others - some are just simply petty little things that I let get me sidetracked. No matter what size the situation is, it so consumes my brain that I lose my focus and I start sinking down into the pit of pity and anger. I allow myself to take my eyes off Jesus and my walk with Him and try to fix things myself.
Oh I'm not so smart that I thought of this all by myself. It was in the midst of our priest's sermon about Peter and Jesus walking on water that the light bulb clicked on over my head. That is the missing piece - taking our eyes off the only one that can guide us through the darkness and despair while loving us just as much.
My grandmother had a beautiful picture of Jesus that I loved looking at as a kid. Goodness knows what happened to it after she died. While trying to find the right picture for my home office, I came across a framed print just like the one my grandma had. I bought it and it is now right over my computer monitor in my office. Whenever I feel like I'm starting to lose focus, I can look right up in Jesus' face and remember where my focus should be.
I highly recommend having some type of visual reminder close by at all times. It doesn't have to be anything expensive - it can be something as simple as a Bible verse written on an index card. Just keep it nearby so when your feet start sinking into the pit of pity, you have something to focus on. Believe me, it works and you won't be sorry.
While I'm thinking about it - here are a couple of other things that just recently helped me get through a difficult moment of two. First of all, the book "Heaven Is For Real". When you are doubting if walking with the Lord is worth it, flip through this book. You can't help but be inspired and probably somewhat relieved to know that Heaven is real.
Secondly, I must recommend the movie, "Soul Surfer". It is a true story and so inspirational that you will need a box of kleenex to get through it. If you are feeling sorry for yourself and questioning why you are here or what you did to deserve "this", turn on this movie. You will not feel the same by the time the credits begin to roll.
As always, may God be with you.
robin
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
As Robin's World Turns
Who needs a soap opera when you have the kind of drama-filled like that I have? I mean it has truly gotten out of hand since the last time I posted.
Here is the update - On the very last day of the deadline for filing an appeal against the Settlement issued by the judge, TheColdOne's attorney (you guessed it) filed an appeal. It was really pretty sad because it was pretty much based on a clerical error and didn't have one ounce of fact based merit. Of course we replied and the judge completely dismissed the appeal and signed an amended order with the corrected clerical error - there was no change whatsoever in the settlement but he did leave in the date for the payment from the original order.
Well of course that date has come and gone and I still don't have the money. TheColdOne's attorney is not returning phone calls or emails from my attorney so we are filing the contempt paperwork by the end of the week. Since TheColdOne is supposed to judge at the Hunting Retriever Club's Grand Competition in Canada in September, we are also asking the judge to withhold his passport and restrict all travel until he pays up.
You may think I'm bitter especially if you are just now finding my blog. I am but not about the divorce or the failed marriage. I am mad as hell that TheColdOne can't even man up enough to pay his responsibilities. I know it just pissed him off to see what the judge ordered for the settlement - should have taken the $8000 settlement offer idiot - but that's how the chips fell. You can believe that if the situation were reversed, he would be beating down my door to get the money. It's not my fault that he spent money like a drunken sailor at the low-class Hooters wannabe bar near our house or that hanging with strippers at the Gold Club cost so much.
But in the end, he will have to pay up. He's not hurting me by not paying - that's the whole point of the little game he is playing. I have the money to pay for my daughter's wedding and I've managed quite well with just my salary for the past 2 1/2 years. I hope, for his sake, that he decides to do the right thing sooner than later. It will be quite embarrassing to have to admit to the Grand Committee that he can't judge the field trials because he is a deadbeat.
OK - now I've got to go pray for forgiveness for being so mean and angry. I refuse to let TheColdOne and his games to control my life. That's one of the reasons that I love writing!
May God be with you.
Here is the update - On the very last day of the deadline for filing an appeal against the Settlement issued by the judge, TheColdOne's attorney (you guessed it) filed an appeal. It was really pretty sad because it was pretty much based on a clerical error and didn't have one ounce of fact based merit. Of course we replied and the judge completely dismissed the appeal and signed an amended order with the corrected clerical error - there was no change whatsoever in the settlement but he did leave in the date for the payment from the original order.
Well of course that date has come and gone and I still don't have the money. TheColdOne's attorney is not returning phone calls or emails from my attorney so we are filing the contempt paperwork by the end of the week. Since TheColdOne is supposed to judge at the Hunting Retriever Club's Grand Competition in Canada in September, we are also asking the judge to withhold his passport and restrict all travel until he pays up.
You may think I'm bitter especially if you are just now finding my blog. I am but not about the divorce or the failed marriage. I am mad as hell that TheColdOne can't even man up enough to pay his responsibilities. I know it just pissed him off to see what the judge ordered for the settlement - should have taken the $8000 settlement offer idiot - but that's how the chips fell. You can believe that if the situation were reversed, he would be beating down my door to get the money. It's not my fault that he spent money like a drunken sailor at the low-class Hooters wannabe bar near our house or that hanging with strippers at the Gold Club cost so much.
But in the end, he will have to pay up. He's not hurting me by not paying - that's the whole point of the little game he is playing. I have the money to pay for my daughter's wedding and I've managed quite well with just my salary for the past 2 1/2 years. I hope, for his sake, that he decides to do the right thing sooner than later. It will be quite embarrassing to have to admit to the Grand Committee that he can't judge the field trials because he is a deadbeat.
OK - now I've got to go pray for forgiveness for being so mean and angry. I refuse to let TheColdOne and his games to control my life. That's one of the reasons that I love writing!
May God be with you.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Change My Name, Change My Name
One of the first things to do after you get your final divorce decree is change your name on all your personal documents, accounts, etc. That is if you are going back to your maiden name. Going back to my maiden name was a big deal for me - I didn't want to be tied to TheColdOne or his name ever again. Since we had no children together, changing my name was a given. Changing your name is not just a matter of making a few phone calls. There are several steps that you have to manuever but I'm here to help you make the big leap!
First of all, you will need a CERTIFIED copy of your divorce decree with the name change in the document. The courts will not send you one certified copy gratis with your divorce. You have to go to the clerks' office and pay for a certified copy. The cost is minimal though. While there, go ahead a get 2 certified copies. That will save you a trip.
First you need to change your social security card. I had to do this before I could change my name at work or anything else. You can do it by mail but you have to send in the certified copy of your divorce decree. It has to be an original - it can't be a photocopy of the certified one. The Social Security website says that they will send the decree back to you but with the government being involved, I didn't want to take the chance. I went in person to the office - it didn't take long. There were no forms to fill out. I just had to show my driver's license and the divorce decree. There is no cost involved. You will get your new social security card in the mail in a few weeks. The good thing is you get a receipt that shows you have applied for a new social security card and it has your new name on the receipt. This was good enough to use for proof for my job. Hang on to this receipt until you get your new card in the mail.
Next is the drivers' license. This is another thing that you have to do in person. You have a brief form to fill out and of course you will have to wait. Once again, you have to show the certified copy of your decree and your current drivers' license. This one isn't free - the cost here in GA was $25.00 - you get one free name or address change during the certification period of your license. Unfortunately I used up my freebie to change my address. Be forwarned - they do take another picture - you can't just use the old one on file. I didn't know this so now I have a picture for the next 8 years of me with no makeup. They give you a color copy of your new license that serves as proof until the laminated one comes in the mail. It only took about 2 weeks to get mine.
Any professional license, like a nursing license, will also require a form to be filled out. The good thing is you can do this by mail and a photocopy of the certified divorce decree will suffice. The forms are easily downloadable on the organization's websites. Check closely to see if there is a fee involved - most of the time there is.
On to the bank - this is another task that requires an in-person visit. Make sure you have all your updated ID's available and a certified copy of the decree. Don't forget that you will have to order new checks and deposit slips. Unfortunately I had just ordered a new box of checks so I am going to wait a little bit to change the name on my checking accout. Just be aware that your name on your debit card will not match your driver's license until you change your name at the bank.
Last but not least, you will need to make sure your name is changed on all your accounts - electricity, water, car insurance, credit cards, etc. Don't forget your health insurance or your retirement plans. Check with each entity by phone to find out what their requirements are. While you are at it, change your voicemail also. That was one that I almost forgot!
It won't take long but it is a necessary part of divorce. The good thing is that it gives you a sense of closure - it's like tossing away that part of your life and starting anew. Take care of it promptly and start making the transition now! You will be amazed at how liberating it actually is.
Don't forget to take that certified copy of your divorce decree and put it in a safe secure location. If you want to get married again, you'll need it as proof of your divorce. BUT that's the least of my concern right now - I'm having too much fun with no entanglements or ties now.
God Bless You!
First of all, you will need a CERTIFIED copy of your divorce decree with the name change in the document. The courts will not send you one certified copy gratis with your divorce. You have to go to the clerks' office and pay for a certified copy. The cost is minimal though. While there, go ahead a get 2 certified copies. That will save you a trip.
First you need to change your social security card. I had to do this before I could change my name at work or anything else. You can do it by mail but you have to send in the certified copy of your divorce decree. It has to be an original - it can't be a photocopy of the certified one. The Social Security website says that they will send the decree back to you but with the government being involved, I didn't want to take the chance. I went in person to the office - it didn't take long. There were no forms to fill out. I just had to show my driver's license and the divorce decree. There is no cost involved. You will get your new social security card in the mail in a few weeks. The good thing is you get a receipt that shows you have applied for a new social security card and it has your new name on the receipt. This was good enough to use for proof for my job. Hang on to this receipt until you get your new card in the mail.
Next is the drivers' license. This is another thing that you have to do in person. You have a brief form to fill out and of course you will have to wait. Once again, you have to show the certified copy of your decree and your current drivers' license. This one isn't free - the cost here in GA was $25.00 - you get one free name or address change during the certification period of your license. Unfortunately I used up my freebie to change my address. Be forwarned - they do take another picture - you can't just use the old one on file. I didn't know this so now I have a picture for the next 8 years of me with no makeup. They give you a color copy of your new license that serves as proof until the laminated one comes in the mail. It only took about 2 weeks to get mine.
Any professional license, like a nursing license, will also require a form to be filled out. The good thing is you can do this by mail and a photocopy of the certified divorce decree will suffice. The forms are easily downloadable on the organization's websites. Check closely to see if there is a fee involved - most of the time there is.
On to the bank - this is another task that requires an in-person visit. Make sure you have all your updated ID's available and a certified copy of the decree. Don't forget that you will have to order new checks and deposit slips. Unfortunately I had just ordered a new box of checks so I am going to wait a little bit to change the name on my checking accout. Just be aware that your name on your debit card will not match your driver's license until you change your name at the bank.
Last but not least, you will need to make sure your name is changed on all your accounts - electricity, water, car insurance, credit cards, etc. Don't forget your health insurance or your retirement plans. Check with each entity by phone to find out what their requirements are. While you are at it, change your voicemail also. That was one that I almost forgot!
It won't take long but it is a necessary part of divorce. The good thing is that it gives you a sense of closure - it's like tossing away that part of your life and starting anew. Take care of it promptly and start making the transition now! You will be amazed at how liberating it actually is.
Don't forget to take that certified copy of your divorce decree and put it in a safe secure location. If you want to get married again, you'll need it as proof of your divorce. BUT that's the least of my concern right now - I'm having too much fun with no entanglements or ties now.
God Bless You!
Sunday, June 5, 2011
The Door Finally Closes
After a long 2 1/2 years, the door has finally closed on my marriage. It has been a rough 2 1/2 years - lots of tears and lots of emotion. Lots of ups and lots of downs. Lots of worrying and anxiety. But now - thanks to the judge issuing the Final Order of Divorce, it is all over and done with. Amazing that it only takes a 4 page document to end the battle.
There are no words to describe the utter and total relief that overwhelmed me when I received the copy of the Final Order. It wasn't just the amount of money awarded to me - it was more of having closure - that one last loose end was firmly tied off and finished. It was also a sense of vindication - I knew I deserved more than TheColdOne was offering. I knew that I had contributed a lot more to the marriage than he was willing to acknowledge. The Judge's final ruling only confirmed that.
I have to give all thanks and glory to God. Without His continuous presence around me and feeling His unconditional love, I would not have made it to this point. I must admit I questioned Him a LOT while waiting for the final decree. I tried to figure out why it was taking so long and what message God was sending me. Once again I learned to just let it go and let God do His job - He has a plan and there is no point trying to figure it out ahead of time. There was nothing "special" about the date the final order was issued. I didn't do anything different that day. I didn't wake up thinking - today is the day. It was just the time God had determined.
Of course I also have to thank my Mom and Dad, my kids and my host of friends & family for being rocks for me to hang onto during this time. I have learned that there is nothing more important than my family and that I should cherish each and every moment I get to spend with them.
So now it's onward and upward. I went to a pool party Friday night and we cracked open the bottle of champagne that I had saved from my wedding to TheColdOne. I had saved it for us to pop open on our tenth anniversary but we forgot about it. When I moved out, I found it in my closet. It was been sitting here at my house, unopened, waiting for the final decree to come down. The now empty bottle is sitting on my kitchen counter waiting for me to decide on a special place for it. It will always a symbol of my fight to get what I deserve.
That's the best thing about this whole ordeal. I never dreamed that I would have the courage to fight to the end and not give up when the going got tough. When I moved out, I was a shell of a human being - so emotionally fragile that even I wondered if I could get through this. Now I am stronger and have much more confidence in myself. Heck I am far from perfect and never will be, but I know now that with God and my family at my side, I can get through anything.
Over the next couple of weeks, I will be posting some information and tips from my experience through this. Even my attorney doubted that we would get the amount the judge awarded but she stood and fought right along with me. I've learned a lot and hopefully you will find some of it useful.
In the meantime, I am still in a sense of euphoria and relief. I don't think I've been this relaxed in 13 1/2 years - and that's without any Xanax. Life is good and God is great!
God bless you!
There are no words to describe the utter and total relief that overwhelmed me when I received the copy of the Final Order. It wasn't just the amount of money awarded to me - it was more of having closure - that one last loose end was firmly tied off and finished. It was also a sense of vindication - I knew I deserved more than TheColdOne was offering. I knew that I had contributed a lot more to the marriage than he was willing to acknowledge. The Judge's final ruling only confirmed that.
I have to give all thanks and glory to God. Without His continuous presence around me and feeling His unconditional love, I would not have made it to this point. I must admit I questioned Him a LOT while waiting for the final decree. I tried to figure out why it was taking so long and what message God was sending me. Once again I learned to just let it go and let God do His job - He has a plan and there is no point trying to figure it out ahead of time. There was nothing "special" about the date the final order was issued. I didn't do anything different that day. I didn't wake up thinking - today is the day. It was just the time God had determined.
Of course I also have to thank my Mom and Dad, my kids and my host of friends & family for being rocks for me to hang onto during this time. I have learned that there is nothing more important than my family and that I should cherish each and every moment I get to spend with them.
So now it's onward and upward. I went to a pool party Friday night and we cracked open the bottle of champagne that I had saved from my wedding to TheColdOne. I had saved it for us to pop open on our tenth anniversary but we forgot about it. When I moved out, I found it in my closet. It was been sitting here at my house, unopened, waiting for the final decree to come down. The now empty bottle is sitting on my kitchen counter waiting for me to decide on a special place for it. It will always a symbol of my fight to get what I deserve.
That's the best thing about this whole ordeal. I never dreamed that I would have the courage to fight to the end and not give up when the going got tough. When I moved out, I was a shell of a human being - so emotionally fragile that even I wondered if I could get through this. Now I am stronger and have much more confidence in myself. Heck I am far from perfect and never will be, but I know now that with God and my family at my side, I can get through anything.
Over the next couple of weeks, I will be posting some information and tips from my experience through this. Even my attorney doubted that we would get the amount the judge awarded but she stood and fought right along with me. I've learned a lot and hopefully you will find some of it useful.
In the meantime, I am still in a sense of euphoria and relief. I don't think I've been this relaxed in 13 1/2 years - and that's without any Xanax. Life is good and God is great!
God bless you!
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Are We There Yet??
Still here and still working on wedding stuff. It's crazy but oh so much fun!!! We did the invitations this weekend and when I printed the first one I just bawled like a baby. Just seeing her name on the invitation brought back a flood of memories and really drove it home that my baby is grown up (yes she's been grown for a while now but marriage is different). Mom has done all the flowers and bouquets - the only thing left is Jenn's bouquet. The arrangements and corsages turned out so beautiful that Mom has actually picked up some business from word of mouth. She was even hired by the City Center (where we are having the wedding) to do some Mothers' Day arrangements for them.
Speaking of Mom - all things are okay right now. No cancer on last biopsy but still has to be followed by oncologist for the rest of her life. She is free of tests until after the wedding. YIPPEE!! Daddy had a cardiac catheterization a few weeks ago to test the pressures in his heart. Everything was normal - not bad for an almost 75 year old man!
My son is doing phenomenal. He is doing triathalons and bike events in Texas. He actually came in 4th in his age group in the last triathalon he ran. I'm hoping to get out there one day to see him run. Work is still busy for him despite the last shuttle launch being scheduled. They will still be working on stuff for the space station even without the shuttle launches.
And lastly - me. Since the last time I posted, I passed the big 5-0 milestone. It was painless and actually a lot of fun. The kids gave me a spa day at the local day spa - the works! I'm saving that til mid-summer when I've reached a few more of my weight loss goals. Yes - dieting like a demon. Trying to keep my blood sugar under control and get in shape for the walk down the aisle. Can't have the Mother of the Bride "rolling" down the aisle. Besides I've got the greatest dress all picked out - vintage and just absolutely gorgeous! Staying busy with work - it is still crazy despite all the healthcare changes coming down the pipe.
Overall I'd give myself a B - still have moments of sadness and loss but they are fewer and farther between. I miss the physical contact - not just the sex but the snuggling/hugs part. I really missed TheColdOne the night we found out Bin Laden was dead. We used to talk about politics and current events and I almost yelled out to him when the news report came on. Strange how we tend to revert in our unguarded moments... Of course still not having the final divorce settlement isn't helping much.
Last but not least is my little grandson - the joy of my life. He stays with me about every other weekend and it is pure fun. We got our summer pool out and spent the last saturday he was here swimming all day. Yes I do get in the pool with him - it's all part of being a grandma. I do miss my Olivia - my ex-stepson's daughter and my granddaughter no matter what the marriage status is. I bet she is growing like a weed. Boston is almost the age she was when TheColdOne and I separated. There is a hole in my heart where Olivia took a piece of it.
Speaking of Boston, I'm gonna close on a funny note. Last weekend he was extremely active and getting into everything. We were in the kitchen and I finally said "Boston you are really pushing grandma's buttons today". A few minutes later I turned to see him pushing all the buttons on the dishwasher. I said "what are you doing?" Boston replied - "I'm pushing your buttons."
God Bless You!
Speaking of Mom - all things are okay right now. No cancer on last biopsy but still has to be followed by oncologist for the rest of her life. She is free of tests until after the wedding. YIPPEE!! Daddy had a cardiac catheterization a few weeks ago to test the pressures in his heart. Everything was normal - not bad for an almost 75 year old man!
My son is doing phenomenal. He is doing triathalons and bike events in Texas. He actually came in 4th in his age group in the last triathalon he ran. I'm hoping to get out there one day to see him run. Work is still busy for him despite the last shuttle launch being scheduled. They will still be working on stuff for the space station even without the shuttle launches.
And lastly - me. Since the last time I posted, I passed the big 5-0 milestone. It was painless and actually a lot of fun. The kids gave me a spa day at the local day spa - the works! I'm saving that til mid-summer when I've reached a few more of my weight loss goals. Yes - dieting like a demon. Trying to keep my blood sugar under control and get in shape for the walk down the aisle. Can't have the Mother of the Bride "rolling" down the aisle. Besides I've got the greatest dress all picked out - vintage and just absolutely gorgeous! Staying busy with work - it is still crazy despite all the healthcare changes coming down the pipe.
Overall I'd give myself a B - still have moments of sadness and loss but they are fewer and farther between. I miss the physical contact - not just the sex but the snuggling/hugs part. I really missed TheColdOne the night we found out Bin Laden was dead. We used to talk about politics and current events and I almost yelled out to him when the news report came on. Strange how we tend to revert in our unguarded moments... Of course still not having the final divorce settlement isn't helping much.
Last but not least is my little grandson - the joy of my life. He stays with me about every other weekend and it is pure fun. We got our summer pool out and spent the last saturday he was here swimming all day. Yes I do get in the pool with him - it's all part of being a grandma. I do miss my Olivia - my ex-stepson's daughter and my granddaughter no matter what the marriage status is. I bet she is growing like a weed. Boston is almost the age she was when TheColdOne and I separated. There is a hole in my heart where Olivia took a piece of it.
Speaking of Boston, I'm gonna close on a funny note. Last weekend he was extremely active and getting into everything. We were in the kitchen and I finally said "Boston you are really pushing grandma's buttons today". A few minutes later I turned to see him pushing all the buttons on the dishwasher. I said "what are you doing?" Boston replied - "I'm pushing your buttons."
God Bless You!
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
No I Haven't Vanished From the Planet
Just realized how long it's been since I posted something. The past 2 months have been just an insane roller coaster and the last thing on my mind was blogging. My Mom is sick again. There were more enlarged lymph nodes on her 3 month follow-up scan which the oncologist believes is indicative of Follicular Lymphoma. She had a core biopsy under anesthesia today and we'll have the results in a couple of days. Add in the wedding plans, monster busy work, grandson time and all the other craziness of life and I literally just fall into bed at night.
Other than the worries about my mom, life is great. Have gotten into a routine and expanded my "social life". It was a lot easier than I thought - moving back from married to single again - but there are still times where I think "what the heck happened".
So keep my mom and dad in your prayers. I know that God will handle everything.
Other than the worries about my mom, life is great. Have gotten into a routine and expanded my "social life". It was a lot easier than I thought - moving back from married to single again - but there are still times where I think "what the heck happened".
So keep my mom and dad in your prayers. I know that God will handle everything.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Don't Let the Judgmental Self-Righteous A**$# Get You Down
When you are going through a divorce or even some other type of life changing event, you can expect to be bombarded with comments from people who will try to convince you that you are going about things all wrong. They'll say that you should act this way or not say this or believe only that. Let that go in one ear and out the other. There is no right or wrong way to travel through the quagmire of emotions surrounding a divorce. Sure there are some things to watch out for and some behaviors that are problematic - for instance wallowing in self-pity or blame for a long period of time can keep you from moving forward. But who is to say that a little bit of wallowing is bad. There is no timetable or time limit on wallowing either. I am a firm believer of letting yourself move through the emotional minefield because bottled up emotions are much more damaging than a bout of self-pity or blame.
The important thing is to surround yourself with people that LOVE you - unconditionally. Someone who will take your bad mood with a grain of salt but are quick to call you out if the pity-party goes on too long. Someone who knows that certain days of the year can be designated "blue days" without telling you that you need to get a hobby.
Another thing to keep in mind is that if you have rediscovered (or just now discovered) your faith, expect to be confronted by those "holier than thou" people who call themselves Christian (but you know by their own words that it's simply a title in name only). Just like the grieving process of divorce, no one's experience is the same. We are all imperfect and sinners - there is no getting around that fact. Anyone that claims otherwise is simply living in a land of delusion.
The most important thing to remember is that Jesus took our sins up on that cross with him. If you sin - confess and ask God to help you not do it again. If you have a relapse, confess and ask God to help you not do it again. I personally believe that deliberately and repeatedly committing the same sin over and over is something you will have to answer for - either on this earth or in Heaven above. BUT there is no limit on the chances God gives us. He knows our heart - you can't game Him or try to trick Him. I am quick to call myself a "messy Christian" - far from perfect but not letting my mistakes weigh down my heart or dampen my faith.
Take for instance, this comment that someone left on this blog earlier today. The system administration deletes any comment that has no name or IP address attached to it. But the comments get sent to me via email so I do get to see them.
"I am recently divorced and thought your website my bring some comfort...Boy was I wrong. I am a christian and cannot beleive how one moment you speak the words of GOD and the next, some of the most evil things are said. And suicide...yes it is painful for everyone, that is why HE is unforgiving for such actions. A true beleiver, having FAITH in HIM would not succumb to such selfish acts. I would think you would use more time praying for forgiveness for your sin and less time blaming your ex for your actions. Bitter because of divorce is one thing, CRAZY is another..."
I'm still trying to figure out what "the most evil things" I've said are. But what really un-nerved me was the remarks about God being unforgiving when it comes to an attempted suicide. You see, I believe God was the reason the suicide attempt was just that - an attempt. It was my wake up call to get back to my faith and open my heart to His love. The fact that it has been over 2 years since any attempt or even thought of suicide is a testament to His love and the power of faith.
Being called names like "crazy" doesn't bother me - Heck TheColdOne said that all the time and probably still does. Come to think of it, the entire comment sounds a lot like some of the stuff TheColdOne said to or about me or had his "friends" tell me. Hmmmm...
Anyway - don't let the judgmental self-righteous asses get you down. If you are anything like me, you have probably beaten yourself up enough to cover anything someone decides to fling at you. Just remember that God loves you - even if you are messy like me. Don't ever believe otherwise!
May God Bless You
The important thing is to surround yourself with people that LOVE you - unconditionally. Someone who will take your bad mood with a grain of salt but are quick to call you out if the pity-party goes on too long. Someone who knows that certain days of the year can be designated "blue days" without telling you that you need to get a hobby.
Another thing to keep in mind is that if you have rediscovered (or just now discovered) your faith, expect to be confronted by those "holier than thou" people who call themselves Christian (but you know by their own words that it's simply a title in name only). Just like the grieving process of divorce, no one's experience is the same. We are all imperfect and sinners - there is no getting around that fact. Anyone that claims otherwise is simply living in a land of delusion.
The most important thing to remember is that Jesus took our sins up on that cross with him. If you sin - confess and ask God to help you not do it again. If you have a relapse, confess and ask God to help you not do it again. I personally believe that deliberately and repeatedly committing the same sin over and over is something you will have to answer for - either on this earth or in Heaven above. BUT there is no limit on the chances God gives us. He knows our heart - you can't game Him or try to trick Him. I am quick to call myself a "messy Christian" - far from perfect but not letting my mistakes weigh down my heart or dampen my faith.
Take for instance, this comment that someone left on this blog earlier today. The system administration deletes any comment that has no name or IP address attached to it. But the comments get sent to me via email so I do get to see them.
"I am recently divorced and thought your website my bring some comfort...Boy was I wrong. I am a christian and cannot beleive how one moment you speak the words of GOD and the next, some of the most evil things are said. And suicide...yes it is painful for everyone, that is why HE is unforgiving for such actions. A true beleiver, having FAITH in HIM would not succumb to such selfish acts. I would think you would use more time praying for forgiveness for your sin and less time blaming your ex for your actions. Bitter because of divorce is one thing, CRAZY is another..."
I'm still trying to figure out what "the most evil things" I've said are. But what really un-nerved me was the remarks about God being unforgiving when it comes to an attempted suicide. You see, I believe God was the reason the suicide attempt was just that - an attempt. It was my wake up call to get back to my faith and open my heart to His love. The fact that it has been over 2 years since any attempt or even thought of suicide is a testament to His love and the power of faith.
Being called names like "crazy" doesn't bother me - Heck TheColdOne said that all the time and probably still does. Come to think of it, the entire comment sounds a lot like some of the stuff TheColdOne said to or about me or had his "friends" tell me. Hmmmm...
Anyway - don't let the judgmental self-righteous asses get you down. If you are anything like me, you have probably beaten yourself up enough to cover anything someone decides to fling at you. Just remember that God loves you - even if you are messy like me. Don't ever believe otherwise!
May God Bless You
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Suicide Is Not Painless
About 9 years ago, I went through hell. There has been only 1 time since then that I've experienced something similar, but certainly not to the degree that dreadful day in May 2002. I've thought a lot about that time in my life but had pretty much blocked out the emotions and feelings I was going through when I made one of the worst decisions of my life. Today someone on the radio was talking about feeling suicidal and I had to stop what I was doing after listening to them talk. I wanted to reach through my Internet stream and hug this poor lost soul. Just wanted to tell them that I had been there too and there really was hope. Yes there is a silver lining to that dark cloud - it's not just some fairy tale. I know because I've lived through it.
The overwhelming sensation I felt that day in May was that I just could not take it anymore. You already see things in shades of black with no light, no hope on the horizon and something finally happens to make your mind snap. You see what you are doing - you know what you are doing - but you just cannot stop. All you want to do is get out - leave and never come back. There is no thought of the future - hell at that point, you feel like there is no future. Your pain and despair is so consuming that you can't think of anyone else - not your parents, your kids, nothing. All you can think of is to do something to stop the pain.
In my case it was my 2nd marriage falling apart. Same issues as the first - husband unsatisfied and on the prowl for someone else which in the case of marriage #2, he had already hooked up with someone else at least once. Forget about blaming him - I blamed myself. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I keep a husband from straying? Why was I such a failure? What did I do to cause someone who pledged to God to love me forever betray me so deeply? The overwhelming sense of despair and failure was just pushing down so hard on me that I couldn't breathe. Even now just rehashing the event makes my breathing labored and my pulse race. Until you have experience that moment - that one moment where you feel that you have nothing to live for and no reason to stay on this earth - you cannot begin to imagine the horrendous pain and desperation. I hurt all the way down into my soul.
It didn't help matters much that TheColdOne ran from the house like a coward after he dropped the "I don't love you" bombshell on me. He left me alone in the house - a house full of guns, knives etc- because he could not face my parents who were on their way to pick me up. What kind of man, or should I say "pseudo-man" does that? Unfortunately I found out later that this is how TheColdOne handles confrontations regarding his wrongdoings - run away like a big old chicken when the heat gets too hot. Throw up your hands and just walk away - shut the door and move on to the next one. Wow - what a guy. No wonder I was wife #4.
When I was alone in our bedroom, I started tearing through the drawers looking for something sharp. We were a hunting household so there was always a sharp knife nearby - except this time. I used to call it luck, but now I know it was God - this time there was only 1 old knife in the bedroom and it was extremely dull. That didn't stop me completely though. I just kept sawing away at my wrists with the dull knife trying to get the screaming in my head to stop. When blood starting seeping through the cut, it was like getting doused with ice cold water. I dropped the knife and got hysterical - what the hell was I doing?? I picked up the phone and called my best friend who just happened to be a psychiatric nurse. She deftly picked up all the clues and kept me on the line while calling 911. When the deputies arrived, the screaming pain had given way to an onslaught of mental berating for being just so stupid.
I stayed in the hospital for 3 days and then spent 1 night in the psychiatric hospital. TheColdOne decided that he still loved me - at least while all my family was sitting beside him in the waiting room at the ER shooting daggers at him with their eyes. I had actually already made arrangements with my Mom to take my daughter home with her as I was planning on moving out of our house. It wasn't until TheColdOne came into the ER cubicle where I was with tears in his eyes that I decided to stay with him.
Flash forward to January 8, 2009 when TheColdOne decided once again that he didn't want to be married. This time he left me alone in the house with a loaded pistol in plain site after his announcement. Fortunately I didn't remember the pistol and took off upstairs after he left the house. It was a freakin' replay of May 2002 except this time I found a semi-sharp knife. It only took 1 slash down my arm to lay my wrist open. God was watching over me and brought pictures of my grandkids, children and parents to my eyes before I could really do any damage. The thought of hurting them was enough to wake me up from my craziness and stop what I was doing. This time I stopped the bleeding, bandaged my wrist, threw the bloody rag in the bottom of my closet and changed my shirt so the sleeves covered my wrists. I saw the pistol when I came back downstairs and hid it in the spare bedroom upstairs. There was no thought of hurting myself - just protecting myself. After all, paranoia is another fun little effect of depression.
There have been no further instances or even thoughts of suicide since that day in January. Whenever I even think about the dreadful events from May 2002, I immediately get images of my parents and my kids and how much I hurt them. To this day, that brings tears to my eyes. I remember my daughter crawling into the hospital bed with me, crying "don't leave me momma". SIGH...
I am much stronger for going through both of those trials in my life. I am still embarrassed at my weakness and at losing such utter control. But what is really sad is when someone claims that your suicide attempt was simply a stunt or attention seeking act. How in the world could any rational person think something like that? And why would they be so cruel to even utter it outloud? Especially after going through therapy with you. There are a lot of other ways to get attention that don't inflict such utter and total pain on everyone that loves you. A suicide attempt hurts everyone - to downplay the events is just ignorance and an attempt to avoid the guilt from putting someone in that position in the first place. My psychiatrist told us in the hospital that a suicide attempt is a scream for help and that's what I was doing in my head - screaming.
What is even worse is having someone actually say that "if you really wanted to kill yourself, you would have done it". That truly floored me. I guess I was a failure at marriage AND at suicide in this person's eyes. Good thing that their opinions matter about as much as a gnat fart in the big scheme of things.
Wow - I certainly didn't expect to get so long winded or dredge this up again this late in the evening. But that caller today really touched me and I felt completely compelled to write this all down. I can't undo the past but I can learn from it. Suicide is not the answer - never is and never will be. I have put my faith in God and trust Him to get me through the tough times. He is the One that will never back out from his promises unlike some mortals that I know.
May God Bless You.
The overwhelming sensation I felt that day in May was that I just could not take it anymore. You already see things in shades of black with no light, no hope on the horizon and something finally happens to make your mind snap. You see what you are doing - you know what you are doing - but you just cannot stop. All you want to do is get out - leave and never come back. There is no thought of the future - hell at that point, you feel like there is no future. Your pain and despair is so consuming that you can't think of anyone else - not your parents, your kids, nothing. All you can think of is to do something to stop the pain.
In my case it was my 2nd marriage falling apart. Same issues as the first - husband unsatisfied and on the prowl for someone else which in the case of marriage #2, he had already hooked up with someone else at least once. Forget about blaming him - I blamed myself. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I keep a husband from straying? Why was I such a failure? What did I do to cause someone who pledged to God to love me forever betray me so deeply? The overwhelming sense of despair and failure was just pushing down so hard on me that I couldn't breathe. Even now just rehashing the event makes my breathing labored and my pulse race. Until you have experience that moment - that one moment where you feel that you have nothing to live for and no reason to stay on this earth - you cannot begin to imagine the horrendous pain and desperation. I hurt all the way down into my soul.
It didn't help matters much that TheColdOne ran from the house like a coward after he dropped the "I don't love you" bombshell on me. He left me alone in the house - a house full of guns, knives etc- because he could not face my parents who were on their way to pick me up. What kind of man, or should I say "pseudo-man" does that? Unfortunately I found out later that this is how TheColdOne handles confrontations regarding his wrongdoings - run away like a big old chicken when the heat gets too hot. Throw up your hands and just walk away - shut the door and move on to the next one. Wow - what a guy. No wonder I was wife #4.
When I was alone in our bedroom, I started tearing through the drawers looking for something sharp. We were a hunting household so there was always a sharp knife nearby - except this time. I used to call it luck, but now I know it was God - this time there was only 1 old knife in the bedroom and it was extremely dull. That didn't stop me completely though. I just kept sawing away at my wrists with the dull knife trying to get the screaming in my head to stop. When blood starting seeping through the cut, it was like getting doused with ice cold water. I dropped the knife and got hysterical - what the hell was I doing?? I picked up the phone and called my best friend who just happened to be a psychiatric nurse. She deftly picked up all the clues and kept me on the line while calling 911. When the deputies arrived, the screaming pain had given way to an onslaught of mental berating for being just so stupid.
I stayed in the hospital for 3 days and then spent 1 night in the psychiatric hospital. TheColdOne decided that he still loved me - at least while all my family was sitting beside him in the waiting room at the ER shooting daggers at him with their eyes. I had actually already made arrangements with my Mom to take my daughter home with her as I was planning on moving out of our house. It wasn't until TheColdOne came into the ER cubicle where I was with tears in his eyes that I decided to stay with him.
Flash forward to January 8, 2009 when TheColdOne decided once again that he didn't want to be married. This time he left me alone in the house with a loaded pistol in plain site after his announcement. Fortunately I didn't remember the pistol and took off upstairs after he left the house. It was a freakin' replay of May 2002 except this time I found a semi-sharp knife. It only took 1 slash down my arm to lay my wrist open. God was watching over me and brought pictures of my grandkids, children and parents to my eyes before I could really do any damage. The thought of hurting them was enough to wake me up from my craziness and stop what I was doing. This time I stopped the bleeding, bandaged my wrist, threw the bloody rag in the bottom of my closet and changed my shirt so the sleeves covered my wrists. I saw the pistol when I came back downstairs and hid it in the spare bedroom upstairs. There was no thought of hurting myself - just protecting myself. After all, paranoia is another fun little effect of depression.
There have been no further instances or even thoughts of suicide since that day in January. Whenever I even think about the dreadful events from May 2002, I immediately get images of my parents and my kids and how much I hurt them. To this day, that brings tears to my eyes. I remember my daughter crawling into the hospital bed with me, crying "don't leave me momma". SIGH...
I am much stronger for going through both of those trials in my life. I am still embarrassed at my weakness and at losing such utter control. But what is really sad is when someone claims that your suicide attempt was simply a stunt or attention seeking act. How in the world could any rational person think something like that? And why would they be so cruel to even utter it outloud? Especially after going through therapy with you. There are a lot of other ways to get attention that don't inflict such utter and total pain on everyone that loves you. A suicide attempt hurts everyone - to downplay the events is just ignorance and an attempt to avoid the guilt from putting someone in that position in the first place. My psychiatrist told us in the hospital that a suicide attempt is a scream for help and that's what I was doing in my head - screaming.
What is even worse is having someone actually say that "if you really wanted to kill yourself, you would have done it". That truly floored me. I guess I was a failure at marriage AND at suicide in this person's eyes. Good thing that their opinions matter about as much as a gnat fart in the big scheme of things.
Wow - I certainly didn't expect to get so long winded or dredge this up again this late in the evening. But that caller today really touched me and I felt completely compelled to write this all down. I can't undo the past but I can learn from it. Suicide is not the answer - never is and never will be. I have put my faith in God and trust Him to get me through the tough times. He is the One that will never back out from his promises unlike some mortals that I know.
May God Bless You.
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