One of the biggest adjustments that I've had to make was living alone for the first time in my entire life. I went straight from my parents house to my first home with my first husband, to living with just the kids then back to living with a husband. I was truly petrified to live alone. It wasn't being by myself that scared me - it was being ALONE.
The word "ALONE" conjurs up all kinds of images. I think of some of the older ladies at church who have no spouse or kids. It reminds me of the crazy cat lady you hear about frequently in the news - you know the one who had 250 cats in her little house to keep her company. I also think of so many of the patients I've worked with over the years, living by themselves, eating dinner provided by meals on wheels and watching game shows. Then there is always the dreaded image of the woman always by herself, eating out at restaurants with only a book for company or going to a movie theater and saying "ticket for one". YIKES!
To make matters worse, I have always been afraid of the dark - always had a light on or TV on somewhere in the house at night. Yes - it led to many arguments when I was with TheColdOne about how the TV interrupted his "beauty sleep", but it didn't matter. When TheColdOne went on his many overnight trips, I would sometimes sleep with the TV AND the bedroom light on. Silly - yes but it was comforting to me. It made me feel less ALONE.
The strange thing is most of us are ALONE even though we are married with kids and responsibilities and stuff. You take care of everyone else but they all scatter when you are in need. Or you just need the feeling of togetherness that discussing a problem situation can bring - instead you end up getting a lecture about why you shouldn't feel a certain way. Sometimes the fear of being ALONE can drive one to stay in a horrendous mentally devastating relationship - after all, something is better than nothing. Or is it?
Instead of curling up in a quivering ball of jello when the sun went down, I discovered that being alone was not quite what I had imagined it would be. It wasn't a curse - in fact, most times it is a blessing. I call the shots - eat when and what I want, go to bed when I want, do what I want, etc all without worrying about someone else's wants or needs. One night soon after I moved in, I really wanted a chocolate milkshake. I realized then that if I wanted a damn milkshake, I could just go get it. No one would be saying things like "you really don't need that" or "while you're out will you pick up this for me". Hmmm this isn't so bad after all.
Things that I love to do - read, write, do crossword puzzles, watch movies - I could do without having the drumbeat of complaining in the background. The freedom was quite liberating. For the first time in my life I am the one calling the shots and making the decisions. If I want to sit on my patio in a pair of torn up shorts with my hair piled up on my head while chain smoking cigarettes and drinking one can of diet coke after another, so be it. It's not always sweetness and light though - there are some times when having to make decisions by yourself is hard. It's an adjustment to rely on yourself instead of someone else. But man does it make you stronger.
While I may live alone, I am not lonely. God is always with me and is so much better company than some people I know. The silence has been such a blessing because that's when it is easier to talk to God. As the wonderful Billy Graham once said "You are never alone if you know Christ - never!"
So enjoy your alone time. Use this time to learn who you are and what you like instead of worrying about taking care of everyone else. And take advantage of the silence to deepen your relationship with God. Remember "alone" does not always mean "lonely".
