I am quite torn about seeing the year 2009 go away. It was only 6 days into the new year when my husband decided he no longer wanted to be married. So I'm sure you are thinking that I would be extremely happy to see this year end.
Well not quite. You see 2009 was quite a year of firsts for me. First time living alone. First time having to deal with a contested divorce. First time using a rotary lawn mower. First time (in years) having to pinch pennies and budget my money. First time I worked 2 1/2 jobs at a time. First time I was diagnosed with diabetes severe enough to require at least daily fingerstick blood sugars. First time I joined a trivia team. First time really focusing on my faith and all the blessings in my life. First tweet and first facebook post. First time I haven't seen my granddaughter in 6 months. First time taking the Homecare Diagnosis Coding Certification (passed with a 90 on the first try). First time I get to do what I want on New Years Eve. First time finding out that someone I considered a friend was nothing more than a lying POS. The list could go on and on...
2009 was also quite a year for blessings in my life. I reconnected with my parents in the most profound way - not only are they my parents but now they are my best friends. My kids and I are closer than ever. I have gotten to spend nothing but fun and play time with my grandson and watch him grow. I re-joined the church and renewed some long neglected friendships. I've made more friends that I truly love and trust. I am in a home that I love with landlords that are the best and in a quiet neighborhood with kind and thoughtful neighbors. I have just enough yard to "play in" without feeling overwhelmed. I have a wonderful job working for a great company that gives me opportunities to grow and learn. My cup literally overfloweth.
I have learned to love myself - just the way I am. I don't have to pretend to be something I'm not just to get along. I live according to my values which has brought me great peace. I have learned to love the quietness of living alone. I have learned that I am loved unconditionally and not just by God.
So while 2009 has turned out to be a good year despite it's dark beginning, I am looking forward to 2010 and all that it may bring. I know, even if it's bad, I can get through it.
May God Bless You in the New Year.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Save the Receipts & Bank Statements!!
If there is only one piece of advice I can give ANYONE (not just those in the midst of a divorce) it is this - SAVE THE RECEIPTS AND BANK STATEMENTS!! I was one of those people that glanced over my credit card statement then shredded it. I kept my paper bank statements for a couple of years then tossed them into the burn pit. Receipts? Puh-leaze those were trashed before I even left the store.
Little did I know just how precious those little pieces of paper would be. When trying to prove how much money I had spent remodeling and redecorating TheColdOne's house for divorce settlement purposes, his attorney wanted itemized statements showing how much money I spent and on what - going back for 10 years! My attorney advised me that it would be a "he said-she said" situation that would probably not go in my favor without documentation.
Luckily there were a few things I had saved. I was able to find the account numbers of some old credit cards that were closed long ago and contacted the customer service center. When I asked for copies of the itemized receipts, most of them just sighed and went into the spiel about how much it would cost me. I will admit that some of them were very kind when I explained what I needed them for and waived the fee. Of course I could only get back as far as 6 years but that was better than nothing. Don't let anyone say it can't be done because I was able to do it. AND don't let YOUR ColdOne claim they can't get the information for YOUR attorney - that's what mine claimed and I can prove him wrong with just one flick of a file folder.
Check with your bank about getting copies of the old statements. I was able to go online and order copies of my checking account statements from as far back as 2000. The great thing was I used my debit card instead of checks so the details were printed out on the statement.
I did have a good deal on information on Quicken - but the attorney said having the actual statements would be best. I was able to input the old information from the statements into Quicken and pull up reports breaking down expenses. THAT was very helpful in compiling a list of what I spent and where I spent it.
Can't find the account numbers? Having trouble figuring out what that large check was written for? (it costs a pretty penny to get copies of old cancelled checks). Pull out your income tax files. I was lucky that I had used Quicken for years so despite my computer crashing about 6 years ago, I still had the reports printed from Quicken with expenses broken down. I was able to correlate those to some of the bank statements to figure out whether or not the check I wrote at Kroger was for groceries or medication.
Yes it was a lot of work. Yes it took a lot of time. But hopefully it was worth it - we'll see when we finally get to mediation. Another great thing about going through the receipts and statements - it made me realize just how much money I simply blew away on junk. It was a great motivator to help me get my personal finances back on track now that I'm the only income.
In the meantime, start saving the receipts and statements. Make notes on them for what exactly the item was used for. Keep them in a safe place. You never know if you'll need them until you get slapped upside the head like I was.
Little did I know just how precious those little pieces of paper would be. When trying to prove how much money I had spent remodeling and redecorating TheColdOne's house for divorce settlement purposes, his attorney wanted itemized statements showing how much money I spent and on what - going back for 10 years! My attorney advised me that it would be a "he said-she said" situation that would probably not go in my favor without documentation.
Luckily there were a few things I had saved. I was able to find the account numbers of some old credit cards that were closed long ago and contacted the customer service center. When I asked for copies of the itemized receipts, most of them just sighed and went into the spiel about how much it would cost me. I will admit that some of them were very kind when I explained what I needed them for and waived the fee. Of course I could only get back as far as 6 years but that was better than nothing. Don't let anyone say it can't be done because I was able to do it. AND don't let YOUR ColdOne claim they can't get the information for YOUR attorney - that's what mine claimed and I can prove him wrong with just one flick of a file folder.
Check with your bank about getting copies of the old statements. I was able to go online and order copies of my checking account statements from as far back as 2000. The great thing was I used my debit card instead of checks so the details were printed out on the statement.
I did have a good deal on information on Quicken - but the attorney said having the actual statements would be best. I was able to input the old information from the statements into Quicken and pull up reports breaking down expenses. THAT was very helpful in compiling a list of what I spent and where I spent it.
Can't find the account numbers? Having trouble figuring out what that large check was written for? (it costs a pretty penny to get copies of old cancelled checks). Pull out your income tax files. I was lucky that I had used Quicken for years so despite my computer crashing about 6 years ago, I still had the reports printed from Quicken with expenses broken down. I was able to correlate those to some of the bank statements to figure out whether or not the check I wrote at Kroger was for groceries or medication.
Yes it was a lot of work. Yes it took a lot of time. But hopefully it was worth it - we'll see when we finally get to mediation. Another great thing about going through the receipts and statements - it made me realize just how much money I simply blew away on junk. It was a great motivator to help me get my personal finances back on track now that I'm the only income.
In the meantime, start saving the receipts and statements. Make notes on them for what exactly the item was used for. Keep them in a safe place. You never know if you'll need them until you get slapped upside the head like I was.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Merry Christmas
I know that for people going through separation and divorce this time of year, there is nothing worse than hearing "Merry Christmas" over and over. The holidays bring up memories - both good and bad - so it's natural to feel a bit down. But rest assured - this too shall pass. You are at a point in your life where you can make new memories and start new traditions.
You can enjoy the holidays without being subjected to ridicule and taunts of "you always get stressed and moody at the holidays". Believe me - I wrote the book on this kind of treatment. Funny thing is - I'm not stressed or moody this year. I would have every reason to be - no money, divorce mediation still pending, etc. But I have made a determined effort to focus on my family and all the blessings in my life. So I don't have a bunch of money to spend on Christmas (or rather credit cards to run up the bills on) - I have come up with little thoughtful gifts and even wrote special notes to each member of the family telling them how thankful I am to have them in my life.
I will be able to spend a nice Christmas Eve with my parents without having TheColdOne fidgetting and anxious to get home so he can have a "drink" with his sons (more like several drinks and some porn surfing on the net). Or as TheColdOne did last year - fall asleep in the middle of opening gifts. I will be able to go to the beautiful Christmas Eve service made even more special by having my son with me.
So hold on to your heart and know that you can get through this. I have and am a much better person for it.
May peace and joy surround you this Christmas season. And may God bless you and your family throughout the year.
You can enjoy the holidays without being subjected to ridicule and taunts of "you always get stressed and moody at the holidays". Believe me - I wrote the book on this kind of treatment. Funny thing is - I'm not stressed or moody this year. I would have every reason to be - no money, divorce mediation still pending, etc. But I have made a determined effort to focus on my family and all the blessings in my life. So I don't have a bunch of money to spend on Christmas (or rather credit cards to run up the bills on) - I have come up with little thoughtful gifts and even wrote special notes to each member of the family telling them how thankful I am to have them in my life.
I will be able to spend a nice Christmas Eve with my parents without having TheColdOne fidgetting and anxious to get home so he can have a "drink" with his sons (more like several drinks and some porn surfing on the net). Or as TheColdOne did last year - fall asleep in the middle of opening gifts. I will be able to go to the beautiful Christmas Eve service made even more special by having my son with me.
So hold on to your heart and know that you can get through this. I have and am a much better person for it.
May peace and joy surround you this Christmas season. And may God bless you and your family throughout the year.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Just Write It
One of the best things to do when you're going through a crisis is to start keeping a journal. I wish I had kept a journal on a regular basis from the time I turned 18 - talk about reflections - whew the stories that journal would hold. It doesn't have to be a daily rehash of everything and every conversation, thought, etc. It can be simply one word - whatever you are feeling at that moment. You'll be surprised at how far you have come when you re-read your entries even 6 months from now.
Your journal doesn't have to be a fancy cloth covered book - it can be a simple spiral notebook bought at the dollar store (now my favorite place to shop). Just make sure you date every entry so you have a timeline. At first it will seem like a chore but make an honest committment to yourself to at least write something every day. You'll be surprised at how quickly it will become a habit.
Another benefit of keeping a journal - it can come in very handy should your divorce end up in mediation or court. Remember when your ex-to-be said "you're not moving a damn thing out of this house until you sign the papers"? Of course you'll never forget the emotions tied to that remark but if you've kept your journal you will have a date to go along with it. Be very careful though - I'm no legal expert but I would definitely discuss the journal issue with your attorney. You should be safe there - attorney/client priviledge and all that.
One of the things that I did was keep a little book where I wrote down statements from readings that struck a chord with me. I also included Bible verses in this little book. My kids called it the "Uh-Oh Momma's Having a Bad Day Book" because whenever I would get really down or stressed, I would pull out the book and start reading. It really helped me focus and gave me an instant burst of motivation. Over the years, I've had friends/family go through divorce or a personal crisis and needed a pick-me-up. I would go to the store - buy an inexpensive blank book and copy some of the pertinent and favorite statements and verses into the blank book for them. I would give them this book and tell them to fill it in with their favorites and pass it along to someone else in need when the time came. It is truly a special gift.
Here's a couple of verses and statements from my book to get you started...
"You can't stop the waves but you can learn how to surf"
"Trying to figure out what went wrong is like trying to drive backward to undo a car accident"
"A dry crust eaten in peace is better than steak everyday along with argument and strife." Proverbs 17:1
"As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly" Proverbs 26:11
"It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man" Psalms 118:8
An interesting note about my "book" - after TheColdOne dropped the divorce bombshell on me, I went searching for my book. I turned the place upside down - I hadn't used or needed the book in years (or so I thought). I could not find it anywhere. The first weekend after the bombshell I went to stay with my parents and look for a place to live. When I got home on Monday morning, TheColdOne had removed all my personal items from the bookcases in the den and piled them on the floor (he couldn't wait to exterminate any sign of my presence). Sitting right on top of the pile was my "book". Now tell me that God doesn't work in mysterious ways.....
Your journal doesn't have to be a fancy cloth covered book - it can be a simple spiral notebook bought at the dollar store (now my favorite place to shop). Just make sure you date every entry so you have a timeline. At first it will seem like a chore but make an honest committment to yourself to at least write something every day. You'll be surprised at how quickly it will become a habit.
Another benefit of keeping a journal - it can come in very handy should your divorce end up in mediation or court. Remember when your ex-to-be said "you're not moving a damn thing out of this house until you sign the papers"? Of course you'll never forget the emotions tied to that remark but if you've kept your journal you will have a date to go along with it. Be very careful though - I'm no legal expert but I would definitely discuss the journal issue with your attorney. You should be safe there - attorney/client priviledge and all that.
One of the things that I did was keep a little book where I wrote down statements from readings that struck a chord with me. I also included Bible verses in this little book. My kids called it the "Uh-Oh Momma's Having a Bad Day Book" because whenever I would get really down or stressed, I would pull out the book and start reading. It really helped me focus and gave me an instant burst of motivation. Over the years, I've had friends/family go through divorce or a personal crisis and needed a pick-me-up. I would go to the store - buy an inexpensive blank book and copy some of the pertinent and favorite statements and verses into the blank book for them. I would give them this book and tell them to fill it in with their favorites and pass it along to someone else in need when the time came. It is truly a special gift.
Here's a couple of verses and statements from my book to get you started...
"You can't stop the waves but you can learn how to surf"
"Trying to figure out what went wrong is like trying to drive backward to undo a car accident"
"A dry crust eaten in peace is better than steak everyday along with argument and strife." Proverbs 17:1
"As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly" Proverbs 26:11
"It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man" Psalms 118:8
An interesting note about my "book" - after TheColdOne dropped the divorce bombshell on me, I went searching for my book. I turned the place upside down - I hadn't used or needed the book in years (or so I thought). I could not find it anywhere. The first weekend after the bombshell I went to stay with my parents and look for a place to live. When I got home on Monday morning, TheColdOne had removed all my personal items from the bookcases in the den and piled them on the floor (he couldn't wait to exterminate any sign of my presence). Sitting right on top of the pile was my "book". Now tell me that God doesn't work in mysterious ways.....
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Get Rid of Those Voices in Your Head
Have you ever been working then all of a sudden your mind veers off and you start thinking "what if..." or "I should have..."? That's nothing more than what experts call "mind chatter". I call it a pain in the arse. My dad calls it "the devil working on you". Whatever you believe it is, this mind chatter is self-defeating and simply fuels the negativity in your life. No one beats us up as much as we do ourselves.
So what do you do about it? You can try to stop the chatter by thinking about something else but that only lasts a minute or two and requires your complete concentration. You can get busy doing an activity or something that interests you but that is also subject to your complete concentration. By that I mean you have to focus so completely on stopping the mind chatter that you end up loosing several minutes (or more) in your already crazy day. I'm always reminded of Saturday Night Live's old episodes with "Stuart Smalley" doing the "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and dog gone it, people like me" routine with the mirror.
My favorite trick to stop the mind chatter is to simply tell it to go away. If I find that I am mentally beating myself up, I simply look up and yell "stop it" or "Shut up". Now keep in mind that I work from home and have no co-workers to hear me yelling at thin air. But you can do this mentally or even in a soft whisper - just the act of saying it clears your thoughts. If you are out in public and don't even want to hazard the whisper, keep a rubber band or elasticized bracelet of some sort on your arm. When you hear the voices start, pop the rubber band on your wrist. The sting will literally snap the negative talk out of your head. It's a take-off on the old quit-smoking trick.
My Dad told me to say "Get thee behind me Satan" and that also works. I do believe that Satan is constantly working on us - to keep us down and prevent us from realizing that we truly are gifts from God. If the "mind chatter" doesn't respond to shut up - just one "Get thee behind me Satan" will clear my head for a significant time period.
So try this the next time you are going all Muhammed Ali on yourself in your head. Learning to control this negative thinking goes a long way to helping you get back on your feet.
Now if the voice in your head is telling you to do stuff - seek professional help immediately. If the voice in your head makes your head spin around on its axis and you are levitating off the bed, seek a priest STAT.
So what do you do about it? You can try to stop the chatter by thinking about something else but that only lasts a minute or two and requires your complete concentration. You can get busy doing an activity or something that interests you but that is also subject to your complete concentration. By that I mean you have to focus so completely on stopping the mind chatter that you end up loosing several minutes (or more) in your already crazy day. I'm always reminded of Saturday Night Live's old episodes with "Stuart Smalley" doing the "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and dog gone it, people like me" routine with the mirror.
My favorite trick to stop the mind chatter is to simply tell it to go away. If I find that I am mentally beating myself up, I simply look up and yell "stop it" or "Shut up". Now keep in mind that I work from home and have no co-workers to hear me yelling at thin air. But you can do this mentally or even in a soft whisper - just the act of saying it clears your thoughts. If you are out in public and don't even want to hazard the whisper, keep a rubber band or elasticized bracelet of some sort on your arm. When you hear the voices start, pop the rubber band on your wrist. The sting will literally snap the negative talk out of your head. It's a take-off on the old quit-smoking trick.
My Dad told me to say "Get thee behind me Satan" and that also works. I do believe that Satan is constantly working on us - to keep us down and prevent us from realizing that we truly are gifts from God. If the "mind chatter" doesn't respond to shut up - just one "Get thee behind me Satan" will clear my head for a significant time period.
So try this the next time you are going all Muhammed Ali on yourself in your head. Learning to control this negative thinking goes a long way to helping you get back on your feet.
Now if the voice in your head is telling you to do stuff - seek professional help immediately. If the voice in your head makes your head spin around on its axis and you are levitating off the bed, seek a priest STAT.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Welcome to Discarded Spouses
I am a "discarded spouse". I was going along in a 10 year marriage when I was hit with the most heart wrenching words your spouse can ever say to you - "I don't love you anymore". That was followed up with the 2nd most heart-wrenching words - "I don't want to be married to you anymore". I couldn't really comprehend what he was saying - I just stood there with my mouth open. It took several moments for the words to sink in and when they did, a myriad of emotions came bursting out all at once - anger, sadness, fear, despair, desperation - you name it. What made this whole disaster even worse was his complete and utter lack of emotion while tearing me apart - cold as ice with dead eyes.
But it was worse than that - he dropped this bombshell on me when I was in the midst of a major depression. Honest to goodness I walked into the house from an appointment with my psychiatrist holding a prescription in my hand for Zoloft and Xanax when The Cold One ripped my life apart. It wasn't like this was a new diagnosis - I was diagnosed with depression over 6 years ago but decided I could come off my meds a few months prior to this announcement. There was even a suicide attempt 6 years ago.
My history didn't matter to him - in fact, he thought depression was simply an attention-getter. The ColdOne actually warned me that no "stunts" would make him change his mind (i.e. no suicide attempts). It was almost like he was hoping that I would attempt and/or be successful at suicide. What other excuse could there be for beating someone up when they were already at an emotional cliff?
That was almost 1 year ago. Thanks to my parents, my kids, my friends and most of all, God, I have survived and thrived. It hasn't been easy. I can't count the number of times I've laid on the floor crying hysterically. It certainly isn't over - the divorce is no where near finalized - mediation is pending. But I feel like a new woman with a strength and confidence I haven't felt in over 10 years.
I literally have had to start over from scratch. I had to move out (we lived in his house) with no money and a mountain of debt. He handed me a check for $1000 and bullied me to sign the papers he had drawn up. I put the check and the papers away until I could get to an attorney - that only made him angrier but I could have cared less at that point. I was lucky - I had parents who could scrape together enough money to get me into a rented townhouse and help me get set up in my new home. If not for them, I would have been living on the street somewhere as I truly had NO MONEY! Cashing that $1000 check wasn't an option - that would have been a demonstration of my acceptance of the divorce and left me with no options to pursue further money.
I plan on using this blog to serve as a resource to those going through divorce and offer my support and advice. I may not know everything but I'm a great listener plus this is my second trip on the divorce merry-go-round. Feel free to post comments, links, etc. I have enabled moderation because of all the spammers out in the blogosphere so bear with me. I'll also be updating my situation and offering up tidbits of knowledge gleaned from my experience with divorce mediation, etc.
I leave this first post with something that a friend passed along to me during my first divorce. It has helped me tremendously...
"The life I lived with _________ is over and gone. I am in an entirely new and different place now. Even though this new place isn't familiar or comfortable, I have to let go of what was because it doesn't exist anymore. This new place is my only reality."
God Bless You.
But it was worse than that - he dropped this bombshell on me when I was in the midst of a major depression. Honest to goodness I walked into the house from an appointment with my psychiatrist holding a prescription in my hand for Zoloft and Xanax when The Cold One ripped my life apart. It wasn't like this was a new diagnosis - I was diagnosed with depression over 6 years ago but decided I could come off my meds a few months prior to this announcement. There was even a suicide attempt 6 years ago.
My history didn't matter to him - in fact, he thought depression was simply an attention-getter. The ColdOne actually warned me that no "stunts" would make him change his mind (i.e. no suicide attempts). It was almost like he was hoping that I would attempt and/or be successful at suicide. What other excuse could there be for beating someone up when they were already at an emotional cliff?
That was almost 1 year ago. Thanks to my parents, my kids, my friends and most of all, God, I have survived and thrived. It hasn't been easy. I can't count the number of times I've laid on the floor crying hysterically. It certainly isn't over - the divorce is no where near finalized - mediation is pending. But I feel like a new woman with a strength and confidence I haven't felt in over 10 years.
I literally have had to start over from scratch. I had to move out (we lived in his house) with no money and a mountain of debt. He handed me a check for $1000 and bullied me to sign the papers he had drawn up. I put the check and the papers away until I could get to an attorney - that only made him angrier but I could have cared less at that point. I was lucky - I had parents who could scrape together enough money to get me into a rented townhouse and help me get set up in my new home. If not for them, I would have been living on the street somewhere as I truly had NO MONEY! Cashing that $1000 check wasn't an option - that would have been a demonstration of my acceptance of the divorce and left me with no options to pursue further money.
I plan on using this blog to serve as a resource to those going through divorce and offer my support and advice. I may not know everything but I'm a great listener plus this is my second trip on the divorce merry-go-round. Feel free to post comments, links, etc. I have enabled moderation because of all the spammers out in the blogosphere so bear with me. I'll also be updating my situation and offering up tidbits of knowledge gleaned from my experience with divorce mediation, etc.
I leave this first post with something that a friend passed along to me during my first divorce. It has helped me tremendously...
"The life I lived with _________ is over and gone. I am in an entirely new and different place now. Even though this new place isn't familiar or comfortable, I have to let go of what was because it doesn't exist anymore. This new place is my only reality."
God Bless You.
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