My Daughter's Wedding

Well the wedding is done.  The knot was officially tied Sat. Sept 24 at 5pm.  The wedding ceremony was absolutely beautiful - outside with the groom's father officiating.  The reception was incredible and quite a blast for everyone - especially when the wedding party danced into the reception ala the infamous Chris Brown viral wedding video. There has never been a bride as beautiful as my little girl - stunning looks enhanced by absolute joy at marrying her best friend.  The groom's facial expression when he saw his bride for the first time was one of the most beautiful sights I have ever seen.

From the day she was born, I had dreamed of and dreaded her wedding day.  Tears flowed from everyone last Saturday.  I don't know of one single person that didn't get teared up at some point.  The entire family was involved in this wedding - both Jenn and Justin's little boys were the ring bearers.  My Dad escorted the bride from the city center lobby to the wedding ceremony site.  Jenn's Dad and I escorted her down the aisle together.  Brothers of the bride and groom were groomsmen. The bride had a handkerchief passed down from her great grandmother to her great aunt pinned to the hem of her dress. Every single decoration, all the way down to the ceremony program fans to the bottles of water given to each guest to all the corsages & bouquets were put together by hand and with nothing but love.  The decorations at the reception were all done by hand and oozed the love for our little Jenn.  Even the decorations for the kids' table were handmade. There was a "memory" table at the reception with pictures of the family members who had to celebrate the wedding in heaven. The whole day was encased in a giant bubble of love.

Jenn did throw in a little curveball into the ceremony along with the help of her now father-in-law.  Before they were officially announced as man and wife, both me and Tammy (Justin's Mom) were invited up to the ceremony area.  It was announced that since we were the first ones to kiss our children when they came into the world, we were to give them one last kiss before sending them off into their married life.  I honestly don't know how Tammy and I made it through that part.

A truce was called between Jenn's dad, his family and my family.  Actually we all had a lot of fun together and bridges were mended.  Jenn's Dad and I marveled at how wonderful Jenn turned out with two dysfunctional parents like us (LOL).  We both commiserated at our stupid choices of 2nd spouses and how we both wish we could push time back.  Alas - that's not an option so we just settled for enjoying the day together.

It was a beautiful day and one I will never forget.  I
asked Jenn as they were getting ready to be driven away in the vintage convertible that Debi (a dear friend and the wedding planner) had wrangled up for them, if the wedding/reception was what she had dreamed of.  With tears in her eyes, she said "it was so much more".  No mom could ask for anything better than that.

Maybe He's Just a Bully

I started out my research on this post with "immaturity in adults" but ended up reading articles about bullies.  Yes bullies are not just in high school - adults can be bullies also.  Bullying doesn't mean strictly physical behavior - most of the time it is in the form of emotional abuse. The results of the bullying can end up being pretty painful if you don't stand up and say "enough".

Many times "discarded spouses" have been victims of bullies but just don't realize it.  Think back on your relationship - did your ex ever accept responsibility for their behavior?  If the answer is "no" or the majority of time the answer is "no", then you could be dealing with a bully.  The inability to accept responsibility for their behavior is a hallmark sign of a bully.

Here is an example of the bully's instinctive response when confronted with their behavior - (see if this sounds familiar)...
1.  Denial - the bully denies everything.  He may do this by trivializing the matter ("this is just silly") or by attempting conciliation ("the past is over - let's not dwell on this"). 

2.  Retaliation - the bully counterattacks.  This is where lying, deception, duplicity, hypocisy and blame all can raise their ugly heads.  You usually end up giving a long explanation about why this was such an issue and end up stepping all over your words.  By the time you are done, YOU even wonder what got you so angry or upset. 

3.  Feigning victimhood - if #1 and #2 have failed, the bully will resort to playing the "victim card".  He wails to everyone about how HE was wronged -  How he did everything he could but could just never satisfy you. In other words, he plays the long-suffering martyr and YOU are the mean one.

The ultimate goal is to distract or divert your attention from the issue at hand.  How many times did you end up feeling guilty for even bringing up the situation? 

Did light bulbs go off over your head as you read through this? They did with me.  It was like a script written of every single argument TheColdOne and I had. 

One of the most defining moments of our divorce happened the day my parents came to help me pack my stuff.  TheColdOne asked me when I was going to sign the divorce papers.  I had explained previously that I was not signing anything until my attorney looked over it.  Well my nerves were already frayed and I responded with "every time you ask me about signing the papers, I'm going to add a day to the wait to sign them".  This set him off - he started yelling at me that I "couldn't move a damned thing out of the house until I signed the papers".  The "old" Robin would have started crying and started apologizing.  Not now - I loudly told him that he may have called the shots in our marriage but I was calling them in the divorce.  The look on his face was priceless - it went from extreme anger to confusion in the blink of an eye.  TheColdOne's attempt to bully me had failed.

Sometimes you just have to say "ENOUGH" and stand up for yourself.  Other times, you should just simply walk out of the room.  Staying calm and confident is very important.  Think over a plan for how you will handle the situation the next time it happens - cause believe me it will happen again.  If there is a chance of physical abuse, get out and don't look back. 

Unfortunately, TheColdOne still tries to bully me even though the divorce is final.  When he was forced to pay me a settlement (much larger than his original offer that he tried to bully me into signing), TheColdOne thought he would get the last laugh by writing a personal check made out to my attorney.  That would prevent me from getting the money right away versus a cashier's check that would have immediately cleared.  Then as the cherry on top of the ice cream, he put "DS2FALB" on the memo line of the check.  For those not in the midst of an ugly divorce that stands for "Divorce Settlement to Fat-Ass Lying Bitch".  But it didn't make me angry or upset, it made me laugh especially when I realized that it was simply another bullying tactic from an immature little man.

But I did get the last laugh - I had the attorney make a copy of the check. I then did a little artwork (the picture above) and have it framed over my desk so I am reminded every day that I am strong and can handle anything that comes my way.  It's actually right below my picture of Jesus so I am reminded that I can do nothing without Him and His strength never wavers.

For more information about adult bullies and how to handle them, check out http://www.divorce360.com/.  They have some great articles about anything related to divorce you can think of.

As always, may you always feel God's presence.
robin