Keep Your Friends Close But Kick the Enemies Out of Your Life

Yeah - I know that's not how the old saying really goes but when you're talking divorce, it is a way of life.  One of the hardest things in the post divorce world is deciding who gets to keep the friends.  Most of them will gravitate to the one they were first friends with.  Some will "change sides".  Some try to play both ends of the spectrum.  But be very wary, especially in those first few months after the separation.  People that you think are your friends may just be an enemy in disguise.

In my case, I had a friend that I met through TheColdOne - I'll just call her "FAB" for now.  Her hubby and mine were co-workers and really good friends.  She and I hit it off - we had a fair amount in common.  When Hurricane Floyd was bearing down on the GA coast and evacuations were ordered, FAB was stuck out of town.  Her husband was mandated to stay in the area due to his job (as was mine).  Her little dog had no where to go so I took her dog with me, my kids and our dog to our evacuation destination.  FAB was on special medicine that had to be refrigerated so I took that with me in a cooler in case the hurricane hit and we were forced to stay away from town for a while.  We figured that FAB and I could hook up and I could get the medicine to her.  We lost close contact over last few years of my marriage but we emailed back and forth.

Once I was forced to move out, I sent FAB an email with my new address and phone number.  She wrote back that she was just shocked about the divorce and wanted to know what happened.  Thinking she was my friend, I wrote her this long email and poured out my heart to her.  FAB was just SO supportive and was actually the one that convinced me to start a Facebook account.  FAB would send emails asking how I was and what was going on, etc and I would respond back.  Unfortunately, I never held anything back.  Well low and behold some info came back to me that maybe FAB wasn't such a good friend to me after all.  This information just absolutely devastated me.  First betrayed by the one I loved and next by someone that held a special place in my heart. 

I turned around and sent FAB an email that was full of lies and fake news about me.  I figured that if she was feeding info to TheColdOne, the info in this email would be just too juicy to pass up.  Well she did and she was.  When I confronted her, she said some of the most hurtful things that anyone has every said to me (well other than TheColdOne). So my friend, FAB, turned out to be nothing more than just a pure old liar.  I guess if there is any comfort in the situation, it's knowing how awfully ugly TheColdOne was about FAB and some of the disgusting things he said about her.  The two of these creeps truly deserve each other.

But it's not just friends that can betray your trust.  Family members of the soon to be ex will do it and not blink an eye.  They'll pretend that they truly care.  They will call.  Heck they may even come over and bring your step-grandchildren to visit, all the while commiserating with you about what a "SH*&-head" your ex is. 

Be very careful if you find yourself in this type of situation. Yes there are people that are so low that they will use their old child just to dig that old knife into your back. You can also count on YOUR ex to be stoking the fires and even go so far as to make up stuff in order to turn the family member over to "the dark side". Never say anything that you don't want to get back to your ex.  Just because someone acts concerned, you don't have the benefit of seeing what is in their heart.  Let time pass before you start to open up to them.  You never know when that concerned former family member is nothing more than an angler fishing for information in order to feed you to the sharks. Heck this former family member may even agree to testify against you should your divorce go to trial. Or you could find statements that you made to them used against you in the interrogatories.  It DOES happen - believe me.

It's a bad situation - you need to trust people again so very bad but you also have to protect yourself. Avoid opening up your heart to anyone other than your parents or your best friend that you lost touch with because your ex hated you hanging out with them.  Talk to your priest or a trusted counselor.  Not only will it help get it off your chest, they have training to help you manuever through this type of minefield.

Most of all - open up to God.  Ask God to help you learn to discern who to trust.  He will tell you in His own special way. God doesn't want us to cut ourselves off from the world so we can stay safe in our little coccoon. He wants us to live joyful and happy lives. The key is discernment and accountability.

In the Bible study "When Godly People Do UnGodly Things", Beth Moore wrote the following...

Discernment:  the ability to see through the masks.

Accountability:  inviting others to see through us.

Both help us see this faith thing through with integrity.

If you are able, get a copy of "When Godly People Do UnGodly Things".  It is a great starting off point when you are going through the trials and tribulations of a divorce and don't know who to trust.  I'll be writing more about this in later posts.

If you can't get a copy of Beth Moore's book, start reading Psalms in your Bible.  David went through many similar trials of discernment and accountability. His words can provide you some comfort at this time.

In the meantime, May God Bless You.

Honey It's Not you - It's Him

I have a dear friend who is in the midst of a divorce also.  The breakup of her marriage is so similar to mine that it is eerie.  She got the same lines I did - "I need my freedom", "I don't get to do the things I want to do", "there's no one else", etc, etc ad nauseum.  But there is a catch - there was someone else in her marriage - actually more than 1 someone.  These other women were on Internet porn sites, the wannabe Hooters bar & grill down the street and local strip/topless bars.  Her hubby had a thing for checking out BJ's on the net and yacking it up with 20ish to 30-something girls at the restaurant/bar.  Like most married couples with a healthy sex life, they watched porn together and used fantasizing for stimulation but that was together. 

I asked my friend if she knew about all this and why didn't she drop the Big-D bombshell on his sorry ass.  What she told me broke my heart.  If she ever said a word about his hanging out with the young girls (he was almost 60), he would lash out at her.  He told her that she was "stupid" and "paranoid". She would usually back down after his little tirade and drop the subject. She said once they were in WallyWorld and one of the barmaids walked past and her husband about fell over himself to get the girl to say "hey" to him.  She said the strip clubs started at his "bachelor" party and she knows that he is a frequent flier since their separation.  The Internet porn was another story - she didn't really mind that - after all how many men can truthfully say they don't skim porn.  The only thing that bothered her about the porn was that she never felt like she "measured up" to his idea of what sex should be.  She was embarassed by her weight and just felt unattractive. Funny thing about all of this - she always felt like he was "looking for someone else".  After all this came out, I guess it turns out that he was.

The whole subject led back to the old "sex addiction" claim - like Tiger Woods.  I guess there is some truth in sex addiction.  I mean what 60 year old man would REALLY think that a 20-30 year old would have any interest in him at all except for the $$.  Does he REALLY think she cares for him?  More likely she just cares for the folding money he's shoving into her g-string.  What about the barmaids?  Puh-leeze - the sweeter they are to him, the bigger the tip.  Once again - it's all about the money. I'm sure most of them laugh their tight asses off behind his hairy back.

There is a lot of info online about sex addiction and men.  You can google it if you think it's an issue in your marriage or breakup.  I'm not going to get into all that here since I'm not a licensed psychiatrist.  But just remember this - if your husband is hooked on porn, strip clubs and younger women, that is HIS problem.  YOU did nothing to cause it.  It's NOT because you're inadequate or lacking - it's because HE is.

And just for the record, a lap dance is considered "adultery" in the Biblical sense. 

My Birthday Wishes for TheColdOne

How could I forget a day that for 10 years of my life was celebrated with joy and love - everything from a surprise party to a kitchen full of gag gifts for the big 6-0. But last year was a different story – one year ago today you were nursing quite a hangover from a hot night out with your buddies while I was packing up my stuff to move out of my home for good. One year ago today you were bullying me to sign the divorce papers – even threatening to not letting me move “a damned thing” out of the house until I signed the papers. I thought you were just being a cruel and hateful pig but it turns out that you just wanted to get away with only forking out $1000 to end the marriage.


Hard to believe that it’s been a year since you calmly told me that “no crying, no begging and no stunts” would make you change your mind about a divorce. I did cry and beg – but not to you or for you to change your mind. I cried out to God to help me move through the pain and learn to live my life again. There was almost “a stunt” but God stepped in and prevented me from hurting myself but most of all my family.

But despite all the crap you threw at me and said to others about me, I have forgiven you. Oh don’t get me wrong – I’ll NEVER forget what you did or how you treated me.  Those were valuable lessons that I will carry with me forever – but I have forgiven you. You see that was the only way I could truly open my heart to God and move ahead with my life. By not forgiving you, I was simply stuck in the nightmare and would end up a bitter shell of me. I would not and could not give you that power over me, so I had to forgive you. It wasn’t easy and it took a while – there were steps backward usually caused by something you said or did that got back to me. Those slings and arrows hurt but they didn’t stop me from moving forward.

Yes – I’ve even prayed FOR you (not against you like you would think). I’ve prayed that you would ask God to forgive your sins and take Him into your heart. It makes me sad to think that you could end up not enjoying the pleasures of living in Heaven when your time on this earth is finished. Believe it or not I don’t wish for you to spend eternity roasting in Hell.

So this is my birthday wish for you – may you find the strength to turn your life over to God and accept His unconditional love. May He show you that happiness comes from within and searching for it outwardly only leads to pain and, in turn, causes you to inflict pain on others. May God keep you as the apple of his eye.

Some Weekend Reading

Came across some great articles on the Internet that might be of interest to anyone going through a divorce, depression, loss, etc that can help you get through a difficult weekend...

10 Inspiring Quotes for a Depressed Heart
One of my favs...
"A pearl is a beautiful thing that is produced by an injured life. It is the tear [that results] from the injury of the oyster. The treasure of our being in this world is also produced by an injured life. If we had not been wounded, if we had not been injured, then we will not produce the pearl."

Stephan Hoeller

How to Let Go of Past Loves
Snippet - Your brain believes your body, sort of a reverse of the placebo affect. You begin to feel free of the past when you act free of the past! Don’t talk about the old relationship, don’t ritualize it, don’t note anniversaries, or send mental messages. Your brain will notice how healthy you are and deepen those neural networks until they become routine
 
Spiritual Divorce - Seven spiritual laws to help you see divorce as a gain rather than a loss.

I know from experience that weekends can be some of the loneliest times - at least during the weekdays you have work, etc to keep you busy.  Get to the library on Friday afternoon or on Saturday morning and pick up something to have on hand should the weekend loneliness start to rear its ugly head.

Words of Wisdom

Stumbled across these over at Pink Peppers and they made me laugh - especially #12 and #14.  We can never laugh too much...

Words for Women to Live By!….Author Unknown

1. Aspire to be Barbie – the bitch has everything.

2. If the shoe fits – buy them in every color.

3. Take life with a pinch of salt… A wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.

4. In need of a support group? – Cocktail hour with the girls!

5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I’m on it and so far I’ve lost 15 days).

6. When life gets you down – just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.

8. I know I’m in my own little world, but it’s ok. They know me here.

9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

10.. Don’t get your knickers in a knot; it solves nothing and makes you walk funny.

11. When life gives you lemons turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.

12. Remember wherever there is a good looking, sweet, single or married man there is some woman tired of his bullshit!

13. Keep your chin up, only the first 40 years of parenthood are hard.

14. If it has Tires or Testicles it’s gonna give you trouble.

15. By the time a woman realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she’s wrong.

Becoming a Mrs. Fix-It

One of the most difficult things to get used to when you suddenly become single is not having someone around to "fix" things.  After my first divorce I at least had a teenaged son in the house that could help me out.  Now it's just me.  It only takes one "broken" thing to cause a crying jag that can last all day especially when you're just trying to get used to being on your own.

An absolute must have to keep around the house are some basic tools.  Go to Walmart and buy you a small toolbox - nothing fancy.  Don't get one of those pink toolkits already put together for women - it's more costly than just fixing up your own.  Here's some standard tools you'll need to keep handy
1.  Hammer.  A small one will do and it's easier to manage. 
2.  Screwdrivers - flat head and phillips.  You've got a wide variety of choices.  I prefer using a cordless screwdriver that has different "heads" you can use.  It's great for putting up window blinds, etc. AND it takes a lot less elbow grease than a manual one. Plus you can buy the accessory kit and use it as a mini-drill too.
3.  Tape Measure
4.  Level - they have small versions of these that are great for hanging pictures, etc.  If you want to be fancy, you can get one of those "Laser Levels" but a simple small one will work just as well.
5.  Assorted picture hanging hardware - these come in great little multi-packs and are good for more than just hanging pictures
6.  Pliers - you never know when you might need this tool.  I have used it to loosen wingnuts or hold a nut still while trying to tighten a screw when putting together Christmas toys

That should be give you a good start to building your toolbox.  You will slowly add tools, etc to it as time passes.  Before you know it, you will have a nice little stash of tools.

Another item that you will need but it definitely won't fit into a toolbox is a step-stool or better yet a step ladder.  Standing on a chair just doesn't cut it - it's not safe and most of the time you still can't reach what you are are working on. God forbid you fall and end up breaking something while you are trying to recover from a broken heart.

Tight on cash - hit the garage sales on Saturdays.  You can pick up some great bargains at garage sales but beware of blowing your cash on "other" items.  Remember - you are on a budget.  I always ask for toolbox items for Christmas or my birthday.  This year I got an assortment of screwdrivers and a tape measure.  People will not think you are crazy - they will be proud of you for taking another step toward independence. 

A word of caution - don't be trying to fix things without at least a basic knowledge of how it works.  Go to the library and check out a book on simple fix-it instructions for the home.  You can even check Home Depot's list of classes - some are simple fix-it classes.  If worse comes to worse, you'll have to call a repairman.  But that is a whole OTHER story.

From time to time, at the request of some that have emailed me, I'll post little tips on fixing things around the house.  It's amazing how your chest swells with pride when you fix a running toilet or unclog a stopped up commode.  You can do this - don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

It's Okay to Have Bad Days

So you're getting on with your life - loving the freedom and the peace - when suddenly a dark cloud rolls in and throws you into a funk for a day or two.  WTF?  - you scream to yourself.  I thought I had moved through all this.  Not to worry - it doesn't mean you've had a backslide or that you're reverting to your old negative ways.  It means you are human.  What is important is what you do on those bad days...

Believe me I've had my share of bad days.  Sure they are farther and farther apart but that doesn't mean they've vanished completely.  Take today for instance.  Bad news from my attorney which means the whole divorce drama will be dragging out for another several months hit me mid-morning.  Did I start throwing things around or lay down on the floor crying?  NO - okay well a few tears slipped out - but not one of those hysterical crying fits from 1 year ago.  I got up from my work area, walked outside with a nice hot cup of coffee and my cigarettes.  After a smoke or two, I raked some leaves in my front yard.  Yes, it was less than 40 degrees here and I was raking.  After bagging up the leaves, I had another smoke, finished my coffee and went back to work.  My mind was less muddled and the dark clouds began clearing away.

See - for me - physical activity is the best thing when a bad day hits me.  It's hard to focus on the negative when you are raking leaves in the freezing cold.  In the last days with TheColdOne, I was popping Xanax and sleeping pills like candy - my bed & sleep were my refuge.  Problem was that just kept me in a stupor and left me vulnerable to the hurt he was inflicting on me.

Reading, watching tv, etc are not good for me when I'm feeling blue - mind wanders too easily.  Writing helps sometimes but playing on the computer doesn't.  Believe it or not, the worst thing for me to do is call one of my friends or my Mom (who is my best friend) and talk about it right then.  If I do that I find I am leaning too heavily on someone else and forgetting about MY responsibility to myself.  Sure I'll call after a while - usually after the mood passes or lifts a little - and I'll talk to them about it but it doesn't dominate the conversation. I find that I talk to God on a more personal level when I'm having a bad day.  I pray every day but when I'm blue, it turns into more of a conversation than a prayer.

The trick is to find what works for you.  It may take a while to find the right combination but don't let that nibble at you.  Start out with something you like to do that gets the blood pumping.  It's hard to stay pissed off when you have pure oxygen pumping through your body.  Talk to God - like you would a friend - He is always there and you don't even have to use up your cellphone minutes. Stay away from alcohol and/or the Xanax.  They only delay your moving forward.

Bad days are okay - as long as they don't turn into bad weeks.  A good rule of thumb to remember is if you're blue or down for more than 4-5 days, call the MD and touch base with him.  Don't be ashamed - you won't be the first and you certainly won't be the last.

Take comfort in the bad days - you're starting to "feel" again - and that's a good thing.

New Year, New Books

I've always been a "reader".  Give me a good book and I'm just a happy camper.  With limited finances, I haven't been able to go out and buy books like the "old days" with TheColdOne.  But there is the Library.  If you don't have a library card - go get one.  If you don't know where your library is - mapquest it.  It will be one of the greatest things that you can do for yourself.

Most libraries have a webpage where you can check the availability of specific books and put a hold on them.  My library sends emails to let me know when something that I've put a hold on is available for pickup. If I'm listening to the radio and a book is mentioned, I jot down the name.  When I have available computer time, I search for the availability and then put a hold on it.  Another great thing - you can extend your check-in date using the webpage so the risk for overdue book fees is minimal.

There are 2 books that I recommend you go out and buy for your own personal library.  The reason I recommend purchasing these books is both of them have added journal features so you can write in the book whatever inspiration hits you.  You can check them out at the library but there is a greater impact if you have them available in your home at all times.

The first one is "A Purpose Driven Life" by Pastor Rick Warren.  The first time I heard about this book I thought it was another one of those self-help books.  Well it's not.  This is the first book that I have ever read that taught me how to focus on me and on God's love and plan for me.  Highly personal and tear provoking at times.  The setup of the book is perfect - a chapter a day for 40 days.  Believe me - it will make a difference. I've included a link to The Purpose Driven website in the sidebar as there are many free tools you can sign up for and even a daily email devotional.

The second book is by someone that I have truly come to admire.  "Praying God's Word" is by Beth Moore.  If you've never heard of Beth Moore, you are truly missing out on a miracle.  I was introduced to her writings and teaching in a Woman's Bible Study at church.  It was a video course so of course there was no personal interaction with her but she made it feel personal.  Simple language - easy to understand - easy to follow.  Beth Moore will certainly push you to look deeper into yourself.  "Praying God's Word" is just what it says - prayers.  Except Beth has broken down the prayers into specific topics and used scripture to develop the prayer.  Prayers include Overcoming Depression, Overcoming Unforgiveness,  Overcoming Deception and so on.  Even if you are not going through a personal crisis, this book will keep your mind and heart focused.  I can't recommend Beth Moore's books enough.  I've included a link to her Living Proof Ministries in the sidebar.

So start reading and start believing.  It's a great way to start the New Year.