There are 3 little words that can change your life. No - I'm not talking about "I love you". The life changing words are "I am sorry". Simple phrase - not difficult to pronounce but it carries such a punch that it can change the course of your entire life.
In this crazy screwed up world where responsibility and accountability are nothing more than talking points for politicians, we all seem to have forgotten how to apologize. How many times have you heard "I'm sorry if what I said offended some people"? That is nothing more than a half-baked way of saying that you know you offended some people without really taking any responsibility for what you said.
How would your life be different if someone had bothered to tell you that they were sorry? I know that events in my life would have been different had TheColdOne ever uttered those 3 little words. I can't recall him ever saying he was sorry or asking for my forgiveness for the things he did to hurt me. (Although he did say "I'm sorry - it's over" when he told me he was filing for divorce). When I caught him running around with his ex-wife behind my back, I ended up getting blamed for it. I was not making him happy, yada yada yada. My favorite excuse was "You should have trusted me enough not to go checking on my emails". HAH - talk about deflecting the blame.
Even when I was in the hospital after my attempted suicide (or as TheColdOne called it in court - "the attention seeking stunt" or the "so-called suicide attempt"), TheColdOne didn't apologize. He just kept saying "I want my old Robin back". Little did he know but the "old Robin" was dead - he killed her with his lack of respect and responsibility. But a simple "I am sorry" could have injected some air into my lungs and brought me back to life - at least that is what my 20/20 hindsight says.
The biggest downside to this failure to apologize is that those of us due the apology end up taking on the blame for the situation. Familiar phrases like "If only I had..." or "I need to behave in this way..." ends up fueling the guilt which after a while ends up dragging us down into a depression. Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying that depression is caused by one incident - it is usually a pattern of behaviors over a period of time can trigger a depressive episode. As the depression worsens, you end up shouldering even more of the blame and taking responsibility for everything which only adds fuel to the fire. It's a damned horrific vicious cycle. In my case, TheColdOne's "never apologize" attitude literally sucked the joy out of my life and left me a shell of the person I once was.
Saying "I am sorry" is also a great way to start the forgiveness chain rolling - it's much harder for someone to harbor anger in their heart when you have truly apologized. Sadly there are many people, including TheColdOne, who will never understand the importance of those 3 little words. They'll keep offending people and shoving the blame over onto them until eventually they end up alone in a nursing home with no visitors. But in order for you to live a full and healthy life, forgive you must - even if there is no apology.
So "man up" people (or "woman up" to be politically correct) - accept the responsibility for your actions. Prove that you are accountable for what comes spewing out of your mouth. Say those 3 little words that mean so much to people. I guarantee you that your life will be much better for it.
May God continue to bless you all.
Showing posts with label forgiveness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label forgiveness. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Forgive Yourself - You Are Only Human (Letting Go - Part II)
Mistakes – we’ve all made them. After all, we’re human beings. I used to tell my kids that if they ever reached a point where they made no mistakes, then we should call Oprah and get a spot on her show. What is important is learning from the mistakes and not repeating them over and over. But mistakes, especially in our personal lives, tend to hang around like that pesky bug-repellant resistant gnat on a warm spring evening.
You can’t move on with your life while you are still beating yourself up about the past. That’s why self-forgiveness is such a vital part of letting go. You cannot begin to forgive others until you forgive yourself.
Forgiving yourself doesn’t mean that you refuse to accept responsibility for your actions, behavior, etc. In reality you’ve probably taken more responsibility than is necessary for some of the things you’ve done. We are our own worse critics. How many times have you said to yourself “How could I be so stupid?” or “What the heck was I thinking?” On any given day, I could count at least 30 times. But it’s different – it’s usually just inane day to day things that are quickly forgotten. They don’t wrap you up in an emotional bodycast like issues involving you personal life.
Unfortunately there is no quick-fix for self-forgiveness. It’s truly hard. I think it’s harder to forgive yourself than it is to forgive someone else. Self-forgiveness is NOT a sign of weakness – it takes courage and strength. It moves you from the victim to the conqueror. It is one of the greatest gifts you can give to yourself.
There are all kinds of 5 step “programs” and self help books about forgiving yourself. But what truly helped me was The Book – and a lot of prayer. You should do whatever works for you but I can’t recommend anything better than help from God.
If you are truly wanting to move forward and forgive yourself, the following prayer will help you get on your way…
Dear Heavenly Father, I understand that there is nothing to gain by holding myself in unforgiveness and there is everything to gain by releasing myself from unforgiveness and beginning the process of healing. I want to move forward and make a positive difference in the future. Because Jesus died for my sins, I choose to forgive myself – to no longer punish myself and be angry with myself. I forgive myself for letting this hurt control me and for hurting others out of my hurt. I repent of this behavior and my attitude. I ask for Your forgiveness and healing. God help me to never again retain unforgiveness of myself or others. Thank you for loving me and for Your grace to move forward with You. In Jesus’ name, AMEN.
My brother and sister-in-law gave me a plaque with the following message... "It's not where you've been that counts, it's where you're going". Don’t let the regrets of your past hold you down. Let go of the regrets and move on with your life. There is a future out there just for you.
Release the past by letting go of the regrets - It is impossible to inhale fresh air until you exhale the old.
You can’t move on with your life while you are still beating yourself up about the past. That’s why self-forgiveness is such a vital part of letting go. You cannot begin to forgive others until you forgive yourself.
Forgiving yourself doesn’t mean that you refuse to accept responsibility for your actions, behavior, etc. In reality you’ve probably taken more responsibility than is necessary for some of the things you’ve done. We are our own worse critics. How many times have you said to yourself “How could I be so stupid?” or “What the heck was I thinking?” On any given day, I could count at least 30 times. But it’s different – it’s usually just inane day to day things that are quickly forgotten. They don’t wrap you up in an emotional bodycast like issues involving you personal life.
Unfortunately there is no quick-fix for self-forgiveness. It’s truly hard. I think it’s harder to forgive yourself than it is to forgive someone else. Self-forgiveness is NOT a sign of weakness – it takes courage and strength. It moves you from the victim to the conqueror. It is one of the greatest gifts you can give to yourself.
There are all kinds of 5 step “programs” and self help books about forgiving yourself. But what truly helped me was The Book – and a lot of prayer. You should do whatever works for you but I can’t recommend anything better than help from God.
If you are truly wanting to move forward and forgive yourself, the following prayer will help you get on your way…
Dear Heavenly Father, I understand that there is nothing to gain by holding myself in unforgiveness and there is everything to gain by releasing myself from unforgiveness and beginning the process of healing. I want to move forward and make a positive difference in the future. Because Jesus died for my sins, I choose to forgive myself – to no longer punish myself and be angry with myself. I forgive myself for letting this hurt control me and for hurting others out of my hurt. I repent of this behavior and my attitude. I ask for Your forgiveness and healing. God help me to never again retain unforgiveness of myself or others. Thank you for loving me and for Your grace to move forward with You. In Jesus’ name, AMEN.
My brother and sister-in-law gave me a plaque with the following message... "It's not where you've been that counts, it's where you're going". Don’t let the regrets of your past hold you down. Let go of the regrets and move on with your life. There is a future out there just for you.
Release the past by letting go of the regrets - It is impossible to inhale fresh air until you exhale the old.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
The Hardest Part - Letting Go Part I
I love the Serenity Prayer but I have a hard time living by it. I just can't seem to get the "accept the things I cannot change" through my head or my heart. I'm a "fixer" - if it's broken I want to fix it. I guess that's one of the reasons I became a nurse - to help "fix" people. I do great with that - it's the "fix myself" part that is a boulder in my path. The phrase "nurse heal thyself" comes to mind.
I like to dwell on past mistakes - especially my own. The self-flagellation has also been one of my strongest habits. Should-a, would-a, could-a - all frequently used words in my lexicon. But this past 14 months has really made me focus on letting go of the past. Oh my - it has been a struggle. And I still have days where I just can't seem to get out of the muck of my past. Yet I have made headway.
I think it's only natural when you go through a separation and divorce to beat up on yourself. If beating up on yourself left a physical mark, I would be just one big fat bruise. The problem is this gets you nowhere and just causes a further downward spiral. You end up curling up in a ball in the bed dosed up on Xanax and Sonata with sleep as an escape. That is no way to spend your life - the life that God has blessed you with.
So the first thing you have to do when you MUST let go is forgive yourself. Yes I was a major pain in the ass. My depression saturated every moment of my marriage and left everyone walking on eggshells. I didn't do enough, I did too much, I loved too hard, I didn't love enough, yada yada yada. The list could go on and on. BUT I can't call Superman and have him speed around the world counter-clockwise to go back in time. I have to deal with it and move forward. Not one moment of fretting or hand-wringing will change a thing - it is what it is.
If you are like me, you can't move into the "forgive yourself" mode without first getting your depression under control. Otherwise you will end up beating yourself up mentally and spiral further down into the dark crevice. Most everyone I know is on some type of anti-depressant medication. Some overprescribed but most truly needed. The old stigma of depression has long faded. Make an appointment with a psychiatrist for an eval. I've tried using my general practice MD for my anti-depressant meds and ended up in a world of hurt.
I had a MD, prior to my ending up with the psychiatrist, that would just give me what I asked for. Can't sleep? Here's some Sonata. Anxious? Here's some Xanax. Need to lose weight? Here's some Phenteramine. Sinus problems? Try some Zyrtec. Add all this together with 2 different antidepressants and you have one big old mess. It was like a roller coaster of emotions - uppers, downers, relaxers, you name it. Managing your medications is one of the most important things a psychiatrist can do to help you.
Realize that the medications do not kick in instantly - most take at least 2 weeks to reach their full effect. You may get an effect after starting the meds that is more in your mind than from the meds. The notion of relief that help is on the way can ease some of your anxiety - but don't take that as a sign that you really don't need your medication. Sometimes you have to go through different dosages and different medications to find what works for you. That is where the psychiatrist comes in - NEVER adjust your meds yourself or change your meds without consulting with the psychiatrist. And KEEP those appointments with the psychiatrist!
Try not to make any major life changes or decisions while you are going through the medication adjustment. Unfortunately, TheColdOne made those changes for me and I had to muddle through the best I could. Those days will be some of the darkest you will ever encounter but you will get through them. I remember feeling like a real-life zombie - just going through the motions and hopefully getting through to the next day. If not for my family, my friends, and most importantly, God, I know that I would not be here writing on a blog. It was that bad - but I made it through.
The next post I'll explore the difficult task of forgiving yourself. Letting go is hard and not something that can be covered in just one blog post. It takes time, energy and pain (as if you needed any more pain) but you can do it. I can testify to that.
May God Bless You.
I like to dwell on past mistakes - especially my own. The self-flagellation has also been one of my strongest habits. Should-a, would-a, could-a - all frequently used words in my lexicon. But this past 14 months has really made me focus on letting go of the past. Oh my - it has been a struggle. And I still have days where I just can't seem to get out of the muck of my past. Yet I have made headway.
I think it's only natural when you go through a separation and divorce to beat up on yourself. If beating up on yourself left a physical mark, I would be just one big fat bruise. The problem is this gets you nowhere and just causes a further downward spiral. You end up curling up in a ball in the bed dosed up on Xanax and Sonata with sleep as an escape. That is no way to spend your life - the life that God has blessed you with.
So the first thing you have to do when you MUST let go is forgive yourself. Yes I was a major pain in the ass. My depression saturated every moment of my marriage and left everyone walking on eggshells. I didn't do enough, I did too much, I loved too hard, I didn't love enough, yada yada yada. The list could go on and on. BUT I can't call Superman and have him speed around the world counter-clockwise to go back in time. I have to deal with it and move forward. Not one moment of fretting or hand-wringing will change a thing - it is what it is.
If you are like me, you can't move into the "forgive yourself" mode without first getting your depression under control. Otherwise you will end up beating yourself up mentally and spiral further down into the dark crevice. Most everyone I know is on some type of anti-depressant medication. Some overprescribed but most truly needed. The old stigma of depression has long faded. Make an appointment with a psychiatrist for an eval. I've tried using my general practice MD for my anti-depressant meds and ended up in a world of hurt.
I had a MD, prior to my ending up with the psychiatrist, that would just give me what I asked for. Can't sleep? Here's some Sonata. Anxious? Here's some Xanax. Need to lose weight? Here's some Phenteramine. Sinus problems? Try some Zyrtec. Add all this together with 2 different antidepressants and you have one big old mess. It was like a roller coaster of emotions - uppers, downers, relaxers, you name it. Managing your medications is one of the most important things a psychiatrist can do to help you.
Realize that the medications do not kick in instantly - most take at least 2 weeks to reach their full effect. You may get an effect after starting the meds that is more in your mind than from the meds. The notion of relief that help is on the way can ease some of your anxiety - but don't take that as a sign that you really don't need your medication. Sometimes you have to go through different dosages and different medications to find what works for you. That is where the psychiatrist comes in - NEVER adjust your meds yourself or change your meds without consulting with the psychiatrist. And KEEP those appointments with the psychiatrist!
Try not to make any major life changes or decisions while you are going through the medication adjustment. Unfortunately, TheColdOne made those changes for me and I had to muddle through the best I could. Those days will be some of the darkest you will ever encounter but you will get through them. I remember feeling like a real-life zombie - just going through the motions and hopefully getting through to the next day. If not for my family, my friends, and most importantly, God, I know that I would not be here writing on a blog. It was that bad - but I made it through.
The next post I'll explore the difficult task of forgiving yourself. Letting go is hard and not something that can be covered in just one blog post. It takes time, energy and pain (as if you needed any more pain) but you can do it. I can testify to that.
May God Bless You.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
My Birthday Wishes for TheColdOne
How could I forget a day that for 10 years of my life was celebrated with joy and love - everything from a surprise party to a kitchen full of gag gifts for the big 6-0. But last year was a different story – one year ago today you were nursing quite a hangover from a hot night out with your buddies while I was packing up my stuff to move out of my home for good. One year ago today you were bullying me to sign the divorce papers – even threatening to not letting me move “a damned thing” out of the house until I signed the papers. I thought you were just being a cruel and hateful pig but it turns out that you just wanted to get away with only forking out $1000 to end the marriage.
Hard to believe that it’s been a year since you calmly told me that “no crying, no begging and no stunts” would make you change your mind about a divorce. I did cry and beg – but not to you or for you to change your mind. I cried out to God to help me move through the pain and learn to live my life again. There was almost “a stunt” but God stepped in and prevented me from hurting myself but most of all my family.
But despite all the crap you threw at me and said to others about me, I have forgiven you. Oh don’t get me wrong – I’ll NEVER forget what you did or how you treated me. Those were valuable lessons that I will carry with me forever – but I have forgiven you. You see that was the only way I could truly open my heart to God and move ahead with my life. By not forgiving you, I was simply stuck in the nightmare and would end up a bitter shell of me. I would not and could not give you that power over me, so I had to forgive you. It wasn’t easy and it took a while – there were steps backward usually caused by something you said or did that got back to me. Those slings and arrows hurt but they didn’t stop me from moving forward.
Yes – I’ve even prayed FOR you (not against you like you would think). I’ve prayed that you would ask God to forgive your sins and take Him into your heart. It makes me sad to think that you could end up not enjoying the pleasures of living in Heaven when your time on this earth is finished. Believe it or not I don’t wish for you to spend eternity roasting in Hell.
So this is my birthday wish for you – may you find the strength to turn your life over to God and accept His unconditional love. May He show you that happiness comes from within and searching for it outwardly only leads to pain and, in turn, causes you to inflict pain on others. May God keep you as the apple of his eye.
Hard to believe that it’s been a year since you calmly told me that “no crying, no begging and no stunts” would make you change your mind about a divorce. I did cry and beg – but not to you or for you to change your mind. I cried out to God to help me move through the pain and learn to live my life again. There was almost “a stunt” but God stepped in and prevented me from hurting myself but most of all my family.
But despite all the crap you threw at me and said to others about me, I have forgiven you. Oh don’t get me wrong – I’ll NEVER forget what you did or how you treated me. Those were valuable lessons that I will carry with me forever – but I have forgiven you. You see that was the only way I could truly open my heart to God and move ahead with my life. By not forgiving you, I was simply stuck in the nightmare and would end up a bitter shell of me. I would not and could not give you that power over me, so I had to forgive you. It wasn’t easy and it took a while – there were steps backward usually caused by something you said or did that got back to me. Those slings and arrows hurt but they didn’t stop me from moving forward.
Yes – I’ve even prayed FOR you (not against you like you would think). I’ve prayed that you would ask God to forgive your sins and take Him into your heart. It makes me sad to think that you could end up not enjoying the pleasures of living in Heaven when your time on this earth is finished. Believe it or not I don’t wish for you to spend eternity roasting in Hell.
So this is my birthday wish for you – may you find the strength to turn your life over to God and accept His unconditional love. May He show you that happiness comes from within and searching for it outwardly only leads to pain and, in turn, causes you to inflict pain on others. May God keep you as the apple of his eye.
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