I love the Serenity Prayer but I have a hard time living by it. I just can't seem to get the "accept the things I cannot change" through my head or my heart. I'm a "fixer" - if it's broken I want to fix it. I guess that's one of the reasons I became a nurse - to help "fix" people. I do great with that - it's the "fix myself" part that is a boulder in my path. The phrase "nurse heal thyself" comes to mind.
I like to dwell on past mistakes - especially my own. The self-flagellation has also been one of my strongest habits. Should-a, would-a, could-a - all frequently used words in my lexicon. But this past 14 months has really made me focus on letting go of the past. Oh my - it has been a struggle. And I still have days where I just can't seem to get out of the muck of my past. Yet I have made headway.
I think it's only natural when you go through a separation and divorce to beat up on yourself. If beating up on yourself left a physical mark, I would be just one big fat bruise. The problem is this gets you nowhere and just causes a further downward spiral. You end up curling up in a ball in the bed dosed up on Xanax and Sonata with sleep as an escape. That is no way to spend your life - the life that God has blessed you with.
So the first thing you have to do when you MUST let go is forgive yourself. Yes I was a major pain in the ass. My depression saturated every moment of my marriage and left everyone walking on eggshells. I didn't do enough, I did too much, I loved too hard, I didn't love enough, yada yada yada. The list could go on and on. BUT I can't call Superman and have him speed around the world counter-clockwise to go back in time. I have to deal with it and move forward. Not one moment of fretting or hand-wringing will change a thing - it is what it is.
If you are like me, you can't move into the "forgive yourself" mode without first getting your depression under control. Otherwise you will end up beating yourself up mentally and spiral further down into the dark crevice. Most everyone I know is on some type of anti-depressant medication. Some overprescribed but most truly needed. The old stigma of depression has long faded. Make an appointment with a psychiatrist for an eval. I've tried using my general practice MD for my anti-depressant meds and ended up in a world of hurt.
I had a MD, prior to my ending up with the psychiatrist, that would just give me what I asked for. Can't sleep? Here's some Sonata. Anxious? Here's some Xanax. Need to lose weight? Here's some Phenteramine. Sinus problems? Try some Zyrtec. Add all this together with 2 different antidepressants and you have one big old mess. It was like a roller coaster of emotions - uppers, downers, relaxers, you name it. Managing your medications is one of the most important things a psychiatrist can do to help you.
Realize that the medications do not kick in instantly - most take at least 2 weeks to reach their full effect. You may get an effect after starting the meds that is more in your mind than from the meds. The notion of relief that help is on the way can ease some of your anxiety - but don't take that as a sign that you really don't need your medication. Sometimes you have to go through different dosages and different medications to find what works for you. That is where the psychiatrist comes in - NEVER adjust your meds yourself or change your meds without consulting with the psychiatrist. And KEEP those appointments with the psychiatrist!
Try not to make any major life changes or decisions while you are going through the medication adjustment. Unfortunately, TheColdOne made those changes for me and I had to muddle through the best I could. Those days will be some of the darkest you will ever encounter but you will get through them. I remember feeling like a real-life zombie - just going through the motions and hopefully getting through to the next day. If not for my family, my friends, and most importantly, God, I know that I would not be here writing on a blog. It was that bad - but I made it through.
The next post I'll explore the difficult task of forgiving yourself. Letting go is hard and not something that can be covered in just one blog post. It takes time, energy and pain (as if you needed any more pain) but you can do it. I can testify to that.
May God Bless You.
No comments:
Post a Comment