About 9 years ago, I went through hell. There has been only 1 time since then that I've experienced something similar, but certainly not to the degree that dreadful day in May 2002. I've thought a lot about that time in my life but had pretty much blocked out the emotions and feelings I was going through when I made one of the worst decisions of my life. Today someone on the radio was talking about feeling suicidal and I had to stop what I was doing after listening to them talk. I wanted to reach through my Internet stream and hug this poor lost soul. Just wanted to tell them that I had been there too and there really was hope. Yes there is a silver lining to that dark cloud - it's not just some fairy tale. I know because I've lived through it.
The overwhelming sensation I felt that day in May was that I just could not take it anymore. You already see things in shades of black with no light, no hope on the horizon and something finally happens to make your mind snap. You see what you are doing - you know what you are doing - but you just cannot stop. All you want to do is get out - leave and never come back. There is no thought of the future - hell at that point, you feel like there is no future. Your pain and despair is so consuming that you can't think of anyone else - not your parents, your kids, nothing. All you can think of is to do something to stop the pain.
In my case it was my 2nd marriage falling apart. Same issues as the first - husband unsatisfied and on the prowl for someone else which in the case of marriage #2, he had already hooked up with someone else at least once. Forget about blaming him - I blamed myself. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I keep a husband from straying? Why was I such a failure? What did I do to cause someone who pledged to God to love me forever betray me so deeply? The overwhelming sense of despair and failure was just pushing down so hard on me that I couldn't breathe. Even now just rehashing the event makes my breathing labored and my pulse race. Until you have experience that moment - that one moment where you feel that you have nothing to live for and no reason to stay on this earth - you cannot begin to imagine the horrendous pain and desperation. I hurt all the way down into my soul.
It didn't help matters much that TheColdOne ran from the house like a coward after he dropped the "I don't love you" bombshell on me. He left me alone in the house - a house full of guns, knives etc- because he could not face my parents who were on their way to pick me up. What kind of man, or should I say "pseudo-man" does that? Unfortunately I found out later that this is how TheColdOne handles confrontations regarding his wrongdoings - run away like a big old chicken when the heat gets too hot. Throw up your hands and just walk away - shut the door and move on to the next one. Wow - what a guy. No wonder I was wife #4.
When I was alone in our bedroom, I started tearing through the drawers looking for something sharp. We were a hunting household so there was always a sharp knife nearby - except this time. I used to call it luck, but now I know it was God - this time there was only 1 old knife in the bedroom and it was extremely dull. That didn't stop me completely though. I just kept sawing away at my wrists with the dull knife trying to get the screaming in my head to stop. When blood starting seeping through the cut, it was like getting doused with ice cold water. I dropped the knife and got hysterical - what the hell was I doing?? I picked up the phone and called my best friend who just happened to be a psychiatric nurse. She deftly picked up all the clues and kept me on the line while calling 911. When the deputies arrived, the screaming pain had given way to an onslaught of mental berating for being just so stupid.
I stayed in the hospital for 3 days and then spent 1 night in the psychiatric hospital. TheColdOne decided that he still loved me - at least while all my family was sitting beside him in the waiting room at the ER shooting daggers at him with their eyes. I had actually already made arrangements with my Mom to take my daughter home with her as I was planning on moving out of our house. It wasn't until TheColdOne came into the ER cubicle where I was with tears in his eyes that I decided to stay with him.
Flash forward to January 8, 2009 when TheColdOne decided once again that he didn't want to be married. This time he left me alone in the house with a loaded pistol in plain site after his announcement. Fortunately I didn't remember the pistol and took off upstairs after he left the house. It was a freakin' replay of May 2002 except this time I found a semi-sharp knife. It only took 1 slash down my arm to lay my wrist open. God was watching over me and brought pictures of my grandkids, children and parents to my eyes before I could really do any damage. The thought of hurting them was enough to wake me up from my craziness and stop what I was doing. This time I stopped the bleeding, bandaged my wrist, threw the bloody rag in the bottom of my closet and changed my shirt so the sleeves covered my wrists. I saw the pistol when I came back downstairs and hid it in the spare bedroom upstairs. There was no thought of hurting myself - just protecting myself. After all, paranoia is another fun little effect of depression.
There have been no further instances or even thoughts of suicide since that day in January. Whenever I even think about the dreadful events from May 2002, I immediately get images of my parents and my kids and how much I hurt them. To this day, that brings tears to my eyes. I remember my daughter crawling into the hospital bed with me, crying "don't leave me momma". SIGH...
I am much stronger for going through both of those trials in my life. I am still embarrassed at my weakness and at losing such utter control. But what is really sad is when someone claims that your suicide attempt was simply a stunt or attention seeking act. How in the world could any rational person think something like that? And why would they be so cruel to even utter it outloud? Especially after going through therapy with you. There are a lot of other ways to get attention that don't inflict such utter and total pain on everyone that loves you. A suicide attempt hurts everyone - to downplay the events is just ignorance and an attempt to avoid the guilt from putting someone in that position in the first place. My psychiatrist told us in the hospital that a suicide attempt is a scream for help and that's what I was doing in my head - screaming.
What is even worse is having someone actually say that "if you really wanted to kill yourself, you would have done it". That truly floored me. I guess I was a failure at marriage AND at suicide in this person's eyes. Good thing that their opinions matter about as much as a gnat fart in the big scheme of things.
Wow - I certainly didn't expect to get so long winded or dredge this up again this late in the evening. But that caller today really touched me and I felt completely compelled to write this all down. I can't undo the past but I can learn from it. Suicide is not the answer - never is and never will be. I have put my faith in God and trust Him to get me through the tough times. He is the One that will never back out from his promises unlike some mortals that I know.
May God Bless You.
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Rest in Peace Robin B.
Robin B. died on January 8, 2009. Gone was the woman with a quick smile and easy laugh. Gone was the one with a ready come-back to a smart ass question. Gone was the woman who had fallen head over heels in love with her husband almost at first sight 10 years before. Gone was the woman with a heart so big and full of love that she would forgive anything just to keep her marriage and home intact. Gone was the woman who stood in front of God and her family and promised “til death do us part” 10 years earlier.
It wasn’t a natural death. It was a death brought on by years of mental cruelty and heartlessness. It was preceded by years of lying and cheating coupled with put-downs and personal attacks. The years of orders to “suck it up” and “get a hobby” had taken their toll. An earlier brush with death, in the form of a suicide attempt, should have been a warning to Robin B. but she just kept on living with the evil that had pushed her near the breaking point once before.
The death blow came at a moment when Robin B. was already on her knees and in a weakened state. The “murderer” couldn’t have picked a better time to deliver the final punch. There was no remorse on the part of the one who picked this time to crush Robin – just a sense of his own freedom in his selfish perverted world of “me first”.
She never saw it coming. She thought that a trip to the Psychiatrist and a new prescription would protect her. Robin naively thought that love would save the day. She was caught completely off guard. She walked right into the death trap with her heart on a silver platter. The fiend disguised as her husband just threw her heart on the floor and smashed it with the sole of his hunting boot. He never looked back – he just stepped over the carnage as he moved on.
But all was not lost. Like the proverbial Phoenix rising from the ashes, a new Robin was born. This Robin took a while to pull herself together into a whole being. The transformation was not pretty – it was bloody and tear-filled with lots of wailing and cries out for help. It was only after the muddled mess of humanity cried out to God in utter despair that the pieces started taking shape. It wasn’t just one cry to God – it was many. It wasn’t just a simple cry – it was a scream that came from the very depths of her soul. When she gave up fighting on her own and turned everything over to God, the new Robin began to take shape.
The new Robin is still in the midst of transformation. There have been several glitches and “do-overs” that required more tears and attitude adjustments in order to get back on the right track. She is so very far from perfect and will only reach perfection when her real time on this earth is complete. She has scars but they only serve to remind her of the battles she has fought and won with God at her side. There is one thing that is firmly entrenched in this battle scarred woman – a firm knowledge that no matter what any human may do, she is wholly and unconditionally loved by her Father. And THAT gives her the reason to continue to push through the pain of transformation and into her new life.
May God Bless You All.
It wasn’t a natural death. It was a death brought on by years of mental cruelty and heartlessness. It was preceded by years of lying and cheating coupled with put-downs and personal attacks. The years of orders to “suck it up” and “get a hobby” had taken their toll. An earlier brush with death, in the form of a suicide attempt, should have been a warning to Robin B. but she just kept on living with the evil that had pushed her near the breaking point once before.
The death blow came at a moment when Robin B. was already on her knees and in a weakened state. The “murderer” couldn’t have picked a better time to deliver the final punch. There was no remorse on the part of the one who picked this time to crush Robin – just a sense of his own freedom in his selfish perverted world of “me first”.
She never saw it coming. She thought that a trip to the Psychiatrist and a new prescription would protect her. Robin naively thought that love would save the day. She was caught completely off guard. She walked right into the death trap with her heart on a silver platter. The fiend disguised as her husband just threw her heart on the floor and smashed it with the sole of his hunting boot. He never looked back – he just stepped over the carnage as he moved on.
But all was not lost. Like the proverbial Phoenix rising from the ashes, a new Robin was born. This Robin took a while to pull herself together into a whole being. The transformation was not pretty – it was bloody and tear-filled with lots of wailing and cries out for help. It was only after the muddled mess of humanity cried out to God in utter despair that the pieces started taking shape. It wasn’t just one cry to God – it was many. It wasn’t just a simple cry – it was a scream that came from the very depths of her soul. When she gave up fighting on her own and turned everything over to God, the new Robin began to take shape.
The new Robin is still in the midst of transformation. There have been several glitches and “do-overs” that required more tears and attitude adjustments in order to get back on the right track. She is so very far from perfect and will only reach perfection when her real time on this earth is complete. She has scars but they only serve to remind her of the battles she has fought and won with God at her side. There is one thing that is firmly entrenched in this battle scarred woman – a firm knowledge that no matter what any human may do, she is wholly and unconditionally loved by her Father. And THAT gives her the reason to continue to push through the pain of transformation and into her new life.
May God Bless You All.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
It's Official - The Hearing is Over!!!
A big old WHEW - the divorce hearing is over. It was uncomfortable and aggravating but enlightening and eye-opening. It's amazing how someone you have been married to for over 10 years (12 if you count the 2 years we've been separated) can be such a stranger. I'm still shocked at how 2 years can give you some perspective. Instead of pining away upon seeing him, I thought "what did I ever see in him?" and "why did I waste 10 years of my life with such a troll?"
Still don't have the divorce settlement - the judge is going to review the documents and issue a written settlement. I'm just hoping it's enough to cover my attorney's fees. This was never about "getting back" at TheColdOne or trying to take all his money - it was simply about fairness and standing up to a heartless bully who never had anyone fight back against him.
Oh and by the way, since TheColdOne likes to check this blog every day or so to see if I've said anything about him, here is a direct message to him...
I may have been getting "rounder and rounder" while fighting depression but I can lose the weight. You, on the other hand, cannot change your lying black heart or the ugliness that is your soul. One day you will be called on to explain the hateful and evil things you have said and done - And you won't be able to hide that from The One who will be demanding an explanation!
In the meantime, I'm popping the cork on the champagne tonight and we're having a mighty celebration! CHEERS!
Still don't have the divorce settlement - the judge is going to review the documents and issue a written settlement. I'm just hoping it's enough to cover my attorney's fees. This was never about "getting back" at TheColdOne or trying to take all his money - it was simply about fairness and standing up to a heartless bully who never had anyone fight back against him.
Oh and by the way, since TheColdOne likes to check this blog every day or so to see if I've said anything about him, here is a direct message to him...
I may have been getting "rounder and rounder" while fighting depression but I can lose the weight. You, on the other hand, cannot change your lying black heart or the ugliness that is your soul. One day you will be called on to explain the hateful and evil things you have said and done - And you won't be able to hide that from The One who will be demanding an explanation!
In the meantime, I'm popping the cork on the champagne tonight and we're having a mighty celebration! CHEERS!
Sunday, May 9, 2010
The Sad Days of May
This has been a sad week of remembrances for me. My first husband and I would have been married 30 years on May 3. We separated on Mother's Day 15 years ago. I met TheColdOne 12 years ago this past week on a blind date. It's enough to make me absolutely dread the first week of May because it dredges up so many conflicting and heart wrenching memories. When you add in the perpetual state of limbo that I am currently living in while waiting for the divorce hearing to be scheduled, it's no wonder that I'm feeling a bit down in the dumps now.
I think it has been a good thing that the whole divorce drama has dragged out for so long, though. It has given me a chance to get my feet solidly back under me and learn to love myself again. It has given me a chance to distance myself from the emotional reaction and move to the practical regarding the divorce. I haven't met some of the personal goals I have set for myself - like losing weight - which really bums me out but the uncontrolled diabetes is making that really difficult. Believe it or not I have not seen TheColdOne once since January 20, 2009 when I drove away from HellHouse for the last time. But since we certainly don't move in the same circles, I didn't expect we would bump into each other. The one time he ran into my daughter, he hightailed it out of the restaurant like a scalded dog. She laughingly said that she never realized her little 5'1" self could be so intimidating.
I worry sometimes that I'm isolating myself too much. I am working 12+ hours a day and sometimes on the weekend. I had to give up my spot on the Red Cross DAT team for now because of my work schedule - but I will be back on duty as soon as I can cut back the hours. I still have my weekly trivia nights and dinner with family/friends not to mention a lively 2 1/2 year old grandson. It is something that I have to be very aware of as it is easy for me to draw into my own little shell.
Working from home has its benefits but it also has its drawbacks. Having interaction with co-workers over the phone or via email is weird - especially when you have never seen them in person. We joke about how we would not even know each other in a crowded room unless we were talking. You lose some of the connectivity with co-workers but on the plus side you avoid any drama in the workplace.
I've hit a bit of writer's block on the new book. I'm finding myself going all over the place with it and not pinning down a consistent focus for the theme. I've asked God to guide me in any way that He sees fit but I'm having trouble with giving up trying to be in control of things. Maybe that's why I'm struggling with the focus...
I have not been as consistent about attending church over the past few weeks which has really left me grasping - just sitting in the church and taking communion gives me such a feeling of peace and comfort. Not to mention how much I enjoy being with my church family.
So it's time to take hold of my own shoulders and give them a good shake. I have so very many blessings that it really is ridiculous for me to focus on the few negatives in my life. After all the "sad days of May" are now behind me and I survived them without any emotional or physical damage. That in itself is something to be grateful for.
I think it has been a good thing that the whole divorce drama has dragged out for so long, though. It has given me a chance to get my feet solidly back under me and learn to love myself again. It has given me a chance to distance myself from the emotional reaction and move to the practical regarding the divorce. I haven't met some of the personal goals I have set for myself - like losing weight - which really bums me out but the uncontrolled diabetes is making that really difficult. Believe it or not I have not seen TheColdOne once since January 20, 2009 when I drove away from HellHouse for the last time. But since we certainly don't move in the same circles, I didn't expect we would bump into each other. The one time he ran into my daughter, he hightailed it out of the restaurant like a scalded dog. She laughingly said that she never realized her little 5'1" self could be so intimidating.
I worry sometimes that I'm isolating myself too much. I am working 12+ hours a day and sometimes on the weekend. I had to give up my spot on the Red Cross DAT team for now because of my work schedule - but I will be back on duty as soon as I can cut back the hours. I still have my weekly trivia nights and dinner with family/friends not to mention a lively 2 1/2 year old grandson. It is something that I have to be very aware of as it is easy for me to draw into my own little shell.
Working from home has its benefits but it also has its drawbacks. Having interaction with co-workers over the phone or via email is weird - especially when you have never seen them in person. We joke about how we would not even know each other in a crowded room unless we were talking. You lose some of the connectivity with co-workers but on the plus side you avoid any drama in the workplace.
I've hit a bit of writer's block on the new book. I'm finding myself going all over the place with it and not pinning down a consistent focus for the theme. I've asked God to guide me in any way that He sees fit but I'm having trouble with giving up trying to be in control of things. Maybe that's why I'm struggling with the focus...
I have not been as consistent about attending church over the past few weeks which has really left me grasping - just sitting in the church and taking communion gives me such a feeling of peace and comfort. Not to mention how much I enjoy being with my church family.
So it's time to take hold of my own shoulders and give them a good shake. I have so very many blessings that it really is ridiculous for me to focus on the few negatives in my life. After all the "sad days of May" are now behind me and I survived them without any emotional or physical damage. That in itself is something to be grateful for.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
The Hardest Part - Letting Go Part I
I love the Serenity Prayer but I have a hard time living by it. I just can't seem to get the "accept the things I cannot change" through my head or my heart. I'm a "fixer" - if it's broken I want to fix it. I guess that's one of the reasons I became a nurse - to help "fix" people. I do great with that - it's the "fix myself" part that is a boulder in my path. The phrase "nurse heal thyself" comes to mind.
I like to dwell on past mistakes - especially my own. The self-flagellation has also been one of my strongest habits. Should-a, would-a, could-a - all frequently used words in my lexicon. But this past 14 months has really made me focus on letting go of the past. Oh my - it has been a struggle. And I still have days where I just can't seem to get out of the muck of my past. Yet I have made headway.
I think it's only natural when you go through a separation and divorce to beat up on yourself. If beating up on yourself left a physical mark, I would be just one big fat bruise. The problem is this gets you nowhere and just causes a further downward spiral. You end up curling up in a ball in the bed dosed up on Xanax and Sonata with sleep as an escape. That is no way to spend your life - the life that God has blessed you with.
So the first thing you have to do when you MUST let go is forgive yourself. Yes I was a major pain in the ass. My depression saturated every moment of my marriage and left everyone walking on eggshells. I didn't do enough, I did too much, I loved too hard, I didn't love enough, yada yada yada. The list could go on and on. BUT I can't call Superman and have him speed around the world counter-clockwise to go back in time. I have to deal with it and move forward. Not one moment of fretting or hand-wringing will change a thing - it is what it is.
If you are like me, you can't move into the "forgive yourself" mode without first getting your depression under control. Otherwise you will end up beating yourself up mentally and spiral further down into the dark crevice. Most everyone I know is on some type of anti-depressant medication. Some overprescribed but most truly needed. The old stigma of depression has long faded. Make an appointment with a psychiatrist for an eval. I've tried using my general practice MD for my anti-depressant meds and ended up in a world of hurt.
I had a MD, prior to my ending up with the psychiatrist, that would just give me what I asked for. Can't sleep? Here's some Sonata. Anxious? Here's some Xanax. Need to lose weight? Here's some Phenteramine. Sinus problems? Try some Zyrtec. Add all this together with 2 different antidepressants and you have one big old mess. It was like a roller coaster of emotions - uppers, downers, relaxers, you name it. Managing your medications is one of the most important things a psychiatrist can do to help you.
Realize that the medications do not kick in instantly - most take at least 2 weeks to reach their full effect. You may get an effect after starting the meds that is more in your mind than from the meds. The notion of relief that help is on the way can ease some of your anxiety - but don't take that as a sign that you really don't need your medication. Sometimes you have to go through different dosages and different medications to find what works for you. That is where the psychiatrist comes in - NEVER adjust your meds yourself or change your meds without consulting with the psychiatrist. And KEEP those appointments with the psychiatrist!
Try not to make any major life changes or decisions while you are going through the medication adjustment. Unfortunately, TheColdOne made those changes for me and I had to muddle through the best I could. Those days will be some of the darkest you will ever encounter but you will get through them. I remember feeling like a real-life zombie - just going through the motions and hopefully getting through to the next day. If not for my family, my friends, and most importantly, God, I know that I would not be here writing on a blog. It was that bad - but I made it through.
The next post I'll explore the difficult task of forgiving yourself. Letting go is hard and not something that can be covered in just one blog post. It takes time, energy and pain (as if you needed any more pain) but you can do it. I can testify to that.
May God Bless You.
I like to dwell on past mistakes - especially my own. The self-flagellation has also been one of my strongest habits. Should-a, would-a, could-a - all frequently used words in my lexicon. But this past 14 months has really made me focus on letting go of the past. Oh my - it has been a struggle. And I still have days where I just can't seem to get out of the muck of my past. Yet I have made headway.
I think it's only natural when you go through a separation and divorce to beat up on yourself. If beating up on yourself left a physical mark, I would be just one big fat bruise. The problem is this gets you nowhere and just causes a further downward spiral. You end up curling up in a ball in the bed dosed up on Xanax and Sonata with sleep as an escape. That is no way to spend your life - the life that God has blessed you with.
So the first thing you have to do when you MUST let go is forgive yourself. Yes I was a major pain in the ass. My depression saturated every moment of my marriage and left everyone walking on eggshells. I didn't do enough, I did too much, I loved too hard, I didn't love enough, yada yada yada. The list could go on and on. BUT I can't call Superman and have him speed around the world counter-clockwise to go back in time. I have to deal with it and move forward. Not one moment of fretting or hand-wringing will change a thing - it is what it is.
If you are like me, you can't move into the "forgive yourself" mode without first getting your depression under control. Otherwise you will end up beating yourself up mentally and spiral further down into the dark crevice. Most everyone I know is on some type of anti-depressant medication. Some overprescribed but most truly needed. The old stigma of depression has long faded. Make an appointment with a psychiatrist for an eval. I've tried using my general practice MD for my anti-depressant meds and ended up in a world of hurt.
I had a MD, prior to my ending up with the psychiatrist, that would just give me what I asked for. Can't sleep? Here's some Sonata. Anxious? Here's some Xanax. Need to lose weight? Here's some Phenteramine. Sinus problems? Try some Zyrtec. Add all this together with 2 different antidepressants and you have one big old mess. It was like a roller coaster of emotions - uppers, downers, relaxers, you name it. Managing your medications is one of the most important things a psychiatrist can do to help you.
Realize that the medications do not kick in instantly - most take at least 2 weeks to reach their full effect. You may get an effect after starting the meds that is more in your mind than from the meds. The notion of relief that help is on the way can ease some of your anxiety - but don't take that as a sign that you really don't need your medication. Sometimes you have to go through different dosages and different medications to find what works for you. That is where the psychiatrist comes in - NEVER adjust your meds yourself or change your meds without consulting with the psychiatrist. And KEEP those appointments with the psychiatrist!
Try not to make any major life changes or decisions while you are going through the medication adjustment. Unfortunately, TheColdOne made those changes for me and I had to muddle through the best I could. Those days will be some of the darkest you will ever encounter but you will get through them. I remember feeling like a real-life zombie - just going through the motions and hopefully getting through to the next day. If not for my family, my friends, and most importantly, God, I know that I would not be here writing on a blog. It was that bad - but I made it through.
The next post I'll explore the difficult task of forgiving yourself. Letting go is hard and not something that can be covered in just one blog post. It takes time, energy and pain (as if you needed any more pain) but you can do it. I can testify to that.
May God Bless You.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Some Weekend Reading
Came across some great articles on the Internet that might be of interest to anyone going through a divorce, depression, loss, etc that can help you get through a difficult weekend...
10 Inspiring Quotes for a Depressed Heart
One of my favs...
"A pearl is a beautiful thing that is produced by an injured life. It is the tear [that results] from the injury of the oyster. The treasure of our being in this world is also produced by an injured life. If we had not been wounded, if we had not been injured, then we will not produce the pearl."
Stephan Hoeller
How to Let Go of Past Loves
Snippet - Your brain believes your body, sort of a reverse of the placebo affect. You begin to feel free of the past when you act free of the past! Don’t talk about the old relationship, don’t ritualize it, don’t note anniversaries, or send mental messages. Your brain will notice how healthy you are and deepen those neural networks until they become routine
Spiritual Divorce - Seven spiritual laws to help you see divorce as a gain rather than a loss.
I know from experience that weekends can be some of the loneliest times - at least during the weekdays you have work, etc to keep you busy. Get to the library on Friday afternoon or on Saturday morning and pick up something to have on hand should the weekend loneliness start to rear its ugly head.
10 Inspiring Quotes for a Depressed Heart
One of my favs...
"A pearl is a beautiful thing that is produced by an injured life. It is the tear [that results] from the injury of the oyster. The treasure of our being in this world is also produced by an injured life. If we had not been wounded, if we had not been injured, then we will not produce the pearl."
Stephan Hoeller
How to Let Go of Past Loves
Snippet - Your brain believes your body, sort of a reverse of the placebo affect. You begin to feel free of the past when you act free of the past! Don’t talk about the old relationship, don’t ritualize it, don’t note anniversaries, or send mental messages. Your brain will notice how healthy you are and deepen those neural networks until they become routine
Spiritual Divorce - Seven spiritual laws to help you see divorce as a gain rather than a loss.
I know from experience that weekends can be some of the loneliest times - at least during the weekdays you have work, etc to keep you busy. Get to the library on Friday afternoon or on Saturday morning and pick up something to have on hand should the weekend loneliness start to rear its ugly head.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
It's Okay to Have Bad Days
So you're getting on with your life - loving the freedom and the peace - when suddenly a dark cloud rolls in and throws you into a funk for a day or two. WTF? - you scream to yourself. I thought I had moved through all this. Not to worry - it doesn't mean you've had a backslide or that you're reverting to your old negative ways. It means you are human. What is important is what you do on those bad days...
Believe me I've had my share of bad days. Sure they are farther and farther apart but that doesn't mean they've vanished completely. Take today for instance. Bad news from my attorney which means the whole divorce drama will be dragging out for another several months hit me mid-morning. Did I start throwing things around or lay down on the floor crying? NO - okay well a few tears slipped out - but not one of those hysterical crying fits from 1 year ago. I got up from my work area, walked outside with a nice hot cup of coffee and my cigarettes. After a smoke or two, I raked some leaves in my front yard. Yes, it was less than 40 degrees here and I was raking. After bagging up the leaves, I had another smoke, finished my coffee and went back to work. My mind was less muddled and the dark clouds began clearing away.
See - for me - physical activity is the best thing when a bad day hits me. It's hard to focus on the negative when you are raking leaves in the freezing cold. In the last days with TheColdOne, I was popping Xanax and sleeping pills like candy - my bed & sleep were my refuge. Problem was that just kept me in a stupor and left me vulnerable to the hurt he was inflicting on me.
Reading, watching tv, etc are not good for me when I'm feeling blue - mind wanders too easily. Writing helps sometimes but playing on the computer doesn't. Believe it or not, the worst thing for me to do is call one of my friends or my Mom (who is my best friend) and talk about it right then. If I do that I find I am leaning too heavily on someone else and forgetting about MY responsibility to myself. Sure I'll call after a while - usually after the mood passes or lifts a little - and I'll talk to them about it but it doesn't dominate the conversation. I find that I talk to God on a more personal level when I'm having a bad day. I pray every day but when I'm blue, it turns into more of a conversation than a prayer.
The trick is to find what works for you. It may take a while to find the right combination but don't let that nibble at you. Start out with something you like to do that gets the blood pumping. It's hard to stay pissed off when you have pure oxygen pumping through your body. Talk to God - like you would a friend - He is always there and you don't even have to use up your cellphone minutes. Stay away from alcohol and/or the Xanax. They only delay your moving forward.
Bad days are okay - as long as they don't turn into bad weeks. A good rule of thumb to remember is if you're blue or down for more than 4-5 days, call the MD and touch base with him. Don't be ashamed - you won't be the first and you certainly won't be the last.
Take comfort in the bad days - you're starting to "feel" again - and that's a good thing.
Believe me I've had my share of bad days. Sure they are farther and farther apart but that doesn't mean they've vanished completely. Take today for instance. Bad news from my attorney which means the whole divorce drama will be dragging out for another several months hit me mid-morning. Did I start throwing things around or lay down on the floor crying? NO - okay well a few tears slipped out - but not one of those hysterical crying fits from 1 year ago. I got up from my work area, walked outside with a nice hot cup of coffee and my cigarettes. After a smoke or two, I raked some leaves in my front yard. Yes, it was less than 40 degrees here and I was raking. After bagging up the leaves, I had another smoke, finished my coffee and went back to work. My mind was less muddled and the dark clouds began clearing away.
See - for me - physical activity is the best thing when a bad day hits me. It's hard to focus on the negative when you are raking leaves in the freezing cold. In the last days with TheColdOne, I was popping Xanax and sleeping pills like candy - my bed & sleep were my refuge. Problem was that just kept me in a stupor and left me vulnerable to the hurt he was inflicting on me.
Reading, watching tv, etc are not good for me when I'm feeling blue - mind wanders too easily. Writing helps sometimes but playing on the computer doesn't. Believe it or not, the worst thing for me to do is call one of my friends or my Mom (who is my best friend) and talk about it right then. If I do that I find I am leaning too heavily on someone else and forgetting about MY responsibility to myself. Sure I'll call after a while - usually after the mood passes or lifts a little - and I'll talk to them about it but it doesn't dominate the conversation. I find that I talk to God on a more personal level when I'm having a bad day. I pray every day but when I'm blue, it turns into more of a conversation than a prayer.
The trick is to find what works for you. It may take a while to find the right combination but don't let that nibble at you. Start out with something you like to do that gets the blood pumping. It's hard to stay pissed off when you have pure oxygen pumping through your body. Talk to God - like you would a friend - He is always there and you don't even have to use up your cellphone minutes. Stay away from alcohol and/or the Xanax. They only delay your moving forward.
Bad days are okay - as long as they don't turn into bad weeks. A good rule of thumb to remember is if you're blue or down for more than 4-5 days, call the MD and touch base with him. Don't be ashamed - you won't be the first and you certainly won't be the last.
Take comfort in the bad days - you're starting to "feel" again - and that's a good thing.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Just Write It
One of the best things to do when you're going through a crisis is to start keeping a journal. I wish I had kept a journal on a regular basis from the time I turned 18 - talk about reflections - whew the stories that journal would hold. It doesn't have to be a daily rehash of everything and every conversation, thought, etc. It can be simply one word - whatever you are feeling at that moment. You'll be surprised at how far you have come when you re-read your entries even 6 months from now.
Your journal doesn't have to be a fancy cloth covered book - it can be a simple spiral notebook bought at the dollar store (now my favorite place to shop). Just make sure you date every entry so you have a timeline. At first it will seem like a chore but make an honest committment to yourself to at least write something every day. You'll be surprised at how quickly it will become a habit.
Another benefit of keeping a journal - it can come in very handy should your divorce end up in mediation or court. Remember when your ex-to-be said "you're not moving a damn thing out of this house until you sign the papers"? Of course you'll never forget the emotions tied to that remark but if you've kept your journal you will have a date to go along with it. Be very careful though - I'm no legal expert but I would definitely discuss the journal issue with your attorney. You should be safe there - attorney/client priviledge and all that.
One of the things that I did was keep a little book where I wrote down statements from readings that struck a chord with me. I also included Bible verses in this little book. My kids called it the "Uh-Oh Momma's Having a Bad Day Book" because whenever I would get really down or stressed, I would pull out the book and start reading. It really helped me focus and gave me an instant burst of motivation. Over the years, I've had friends/family go through divorce or a personal crisis and needed a pick-me-up. I would go to the store - buy an inexpensive blank book and copy some of the pertinent and favorite statements and verses into the blank book for them. I would give them this book and tell them to fill it in with their favorites and pass it along to someone else in need when the time came. It is truly a special gift.
Here's a couple of verses and statements from my book to get you started...
"You can't stop the waves but you can learn how to surf"
"Trying to figure out what went wrong is like trying to drive backward to undo a car accident"
"A dry crust eaten in peace is better than steak everyday along with argument and strife." Proverbs 17:1
"As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly" Proverbs 26:11
"It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man" Psalms 118:8
An interesting note about my "book" - after TheColdOne dropped the divorce bombshell on me, I went searching for my book. I turned the place upside down - I hadn't used or needed the book in years (or so I thought). I could not find it anywhere. The first weekend after the bombshell I went to stay with my parents and look for a place to live. When I got home on Monday morning, TheColdOne had removed all my personal items from the bookcases in the den and piled them on the floor (he couldn't wait to exterminate any sign of my presence). Sitting right on top of the pile was my "book". Now tell me that God doesn't work in mysterious ways.....
Your journal doesn't have to be a fancy cloth covered book - it can be a simple spiral notebook bought at the dollar store (now my favorite place to shop). Just make sure you date every entry so you have a timeline. At first it will seem like a chore but make an honest committment to yourself to at least write something every day. You'll be surprised at how quickly it will become a habit.
Another benefit of keeping a journal - it can come in very handy should your divorce end up in mediation or court. Remember when your ex-to-be said "you're not moving a damn thing out of this house until you sign the papers"? Of course you'll never forget the emotions tied to that remark but if you've kept your journal you will have a date to go along with it. Be very careful though - I'm no legal expert but I would definitely discuss the journal issue with your attorney. You should be safe there - attorney/client priviledge and all that.
One of the things that I did was keep a little book where I wrote down statements from readings that struck a chord with me. I also included Bible verses in this little book. My kids called it the "Uh-Oh Momma's Having a Bad Day Book" because whenever I would get really down or stressed, I would pull out the book and start reading. It really helped me focus and gave me an instant burst of motivation. Over the years, I've had friends/family go through divorce or a personal crisis and needed a pick-me-up. I would go to the store - buy an inexpensive blank book and copy some of the pertinent and favorite statements and verses into the blank book for them. I would give them this book and tell them to fill it in with their favorites and pass it along to someone else in need when the time came. It is truly a special gift.
Here's a couple of verses and statements from my book to get you started...
"You can't stop the waves but you can learn how to surf"
"Trying to figure out what went wrong is like trying to drive backward to undo a car accident"
"A dry crust eaten in peace is better than steak everyday along with argument and strife." Proverbs 17:1
"As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly" Proverbs 26:11
"It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man" Psalms 118:8
An interesting note about my "book" - after TheColdOne dropped the divorce bombshell on me, I went searching for my book. I turned the place upside down - I hadn't used or needed the book in years (or so I thought). I could not find it anywhere. The first weekend after the bombshell I went to stay with my parents and look for a place to live. When I got home on Monday morning, TheColdOne had removed all my personal items from the bookcases in the den and piled them on the floor (he couldn't wait to exterminate any sign of my presence). Sitting right on top of the pile was my "book". Now tell me that God doesn't work in mysterious ways.....
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Get Rid of Those Voices in Your Head
Have you ever been working then all of a sudden your mind veers off and you start thinking "what if..." or "I should have..."? That's nothing more than what experts call "mind chatter". I call it a pain in the arse. My dad calls it "the devil working on you". Whatever you believe it is, this mind chatter is self-defeating and simply fuels the negativity in your life. No one beats us up as much as we do ourselves.
So what do you do about it? You can try to stop the chatter by thinking about something else but that only lasts a minute or two and requires your complete concentration. You can get busy doing an activity or something that interests you but that is also subject to your complete concentration. By that I mean you have to focus so completely on stopping the mind chatter that you end up loosing several minutes (or more) in your already crazy day. I'm always reminded of Saturday Night Live's old episodes with "Stuart Smalley" doing the "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and dog gone it, people like me" routine with the mirror.
My favorite trick to stop the mind chatter is to simply tell it to go away. If I find that I am mentally beating myself up, I simply look up and yell "stop it" or "Shut up". Now keep in mind that I work from home and have no co-workers to hear me yelling at thin air. But you can do this mentally or even in a soft whisper - just the act of saying it clears your thoughts. If you are out in public and don't even want to hazard the whisper, keep a rubber band or elasticized bracelet of some sort on your arm. When you hear the voices start, pop the rubber band on your wrist. The sting will literally snap the negative talk out of your head. It's a take-off on the old quit-smoking trick.
My Dad told me to say "Get thee behind me Satan" and that also works. I do believe that Satan is constantly working on us - to keep us down and prevent us from realizing that we truly are gifts from God. If the "mind chatter" doesn't respond to shut up - just one "Get thee behind me Satan" will clear my head for a significant time period.
So try this the next time you are going all Muhammed Ali on yourself in your head. Learning to control this negative thinking goes a long way to helping you get back on your feet.
Now if the voice in your head is telling you to do stuff - seek professional help immediately. If the voice in your head makes your head spin around on its axis and you are levitating off the bed, seek a priest STAT.
So what do you do about it? You can try to stop the chatter by thinking about something else but that only lasts a minute or two and requires your complete concentration. You can get busy doing an activity or something that interests you but that is also subject to your complete concentration. By that I mean you have to focus so completely on stopping the mind chatter that you end up loosing several minutes (or more) in your already crazy day. I'm always reminded of Saturday Night Live's old episodes with "Stuart Smalley" doing the "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and dog gone it, people like me" routine with the mirror.
My favorite trick to stop the mind chatter is to simply tell it to go away. If I find that I am mentally beating myself up, I simply look up and yell "stop it" or "Shut up". Now keep in mind that I work from home and have no co-workers to hear me yelling at thin air. But you can do this mentally or even in a soft whisper - just the act of saying it clears your thoughts. If you are out in public and don't even want to hazard the whisper, keep a rubber band or elasticized bracelet of some sort on your arm. When you hear the voices start, pop the rubber band on your wrist. The sting will literally snap the negative talk out of your head. It's a take-off on the old quit-smoking trick.
My Dad told me to say "Get thee behind me Satan" and that also works. I do believe that Satan is constantly working on us - to keep us down and prevent us from realizing that we truly are gifts from God. If the "mind chatter" doesn't respond to shut up - just one "Get thee behind me Satan" will clear my head for a significant time period.
So try this the next time you are going all Muhammed Ali on yourself in your head. Learning to control this negative thinking goes a long way to helping you get back on your feet.
Now if the voice in your head is telling you to do stuff - seek professional help immediately. If the voice in your head makes your head spin around on its axis and you are levitating off the bed, seek a priest STAT.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Welcome to Discarded Spouses
I am a "discarded spouse". I was going along in a 10 year marriage when I was hit with the most heart wrenching words your spouse can ever say to you - "I don't love you anymore". That was followed up with the 2nd most heart-wrenching words - "I don't want to be married to you anymore". I couldn't really comprehend what he was saying - I just stood there with my mouth open. It took several moments for the words to sink in and when they did, a myriad of emotions came bursting out all at once - anger, sadness, fear, despair, desperation - you name it. What made this whole disaster even worse was his complete and utter lack of emotion while tearing me apart - cold as ice with dead eyes.
But it was worse than that - he dropped this bombshell on me when I was in the midst of a major depression. Honest to goodness I walked into the house from an appointment with my psychiatrist holding a prescription in my hand for Zoloft and Xanax when The Cold One ripped my life apart. It wasn't like this was a new diagnosis - I was diagnosed with depression over 6 years ago but decided I could come off my meds a few months prior to this announcement. There was even a suicide attempt 6 years ago.
My history didn't matter to him - in fact, he thought depression was simply an attention-getter. The ColdOne actually warned me that no "stunts" would make him change his mind (i.e. no suicide attempts). It was almost like he was hoping that I would attempt and/or be successful at suicide. What other excuse could there be for beating someone up when they were already at an emotional cliff?
That was almost 1 year ago. Thanks to my parents, my kids, my friends and most of all, God, I have survived and thrived. It hasn't been easy. I can't count the number of times I've laid on the floor crying hysterically. It certainly isn't over - the divorce is no where near finalized - mediation is pending. But I feel like a new woman with a strength and confidence I haven't felt in over 10 years.
I literally have had to start over from scratch. I had to move out (we lived in his house) with no money and a mountain of debt. He handed me a check for $1000 and bullied me to sign the papers he had drawn up. I put the check and the papers away until I could get to an attorney - that only made him angrier but I could have cared less at that point. I was lucky - I had parents who could scrape together enough money to get me into a rented townhouse and help me get set up in my new home. If not for them, I would have been living on the street somewhere as I truly had NO MONEY! Cashing that $1000 check wasn't an option - that would have been a demonstration of my acceptance of the divorce and left me with no options to pursue further money.
I plan on using this blog to serve as a resource to those going through divorce and offer my support and advice. I may not know everything but I'm a great listener plus this is my second trip on the divorce merry-go-round. Feel free to post comments, links, etc. I have enabled moderation because of all the spammers out in the blogosphere so bear with me. I'll also be updating my situation and offering up tidbits of knowledge gleaned from my experience with divorce mediation, etc.
I leave this first post with something that a friend passed along to me during my first divorce. It has helped me tremendously...
"The life I lived with _________ is over and gone. I am in an entirely new and different place now. Even though this new place isn't familiar or comfortable, I have to let go of what was because it doesn't exist anymore. This new place is my only reality."
God Bless You.
But it was worse than that - he dropped this bombshell on me when I was in the midst of a major depression. Honest to goodness I walked into the house from an appointment with my psychiatrist holding a prescription in my hand for Zoloft and Xanax when The Cold One ripped my life apart. It wasn't like this was a new diagnosis - I was diagnosed with depression over 6 years ago but decided I could come off my meds a few months prior to this announcement. There was even a suicide attempt 6 years ago.
My history didn't matter to him - in fact, he thought depression was simply an attention-getter. The ColdOne actually warned me that no "stunts" would make him change his mind (i.e. no suicide attempts). It was almost like he was hoping that I would attempt and/or be successful at suicide. What other excuse could there be for beating someone up when they were already at an emotional cliff?
That was almost 1 year ago. Thanks to my parents, my kids, my friends and most of all, God, I have survived and thrived. It hasn't been easy. I can't count the number of times I've laid on the floor crying hysterically. It certainly isn't over - the divorce is no where near finalized - mediation is pending. But I feel like a new woman with a strength and confidence I haven't felt in over 10 years.
I literally have had to start over from scratch. I had to move out (we lived in his house) with no money and a mountain of debt. He handed me a check for $1000 and bullied me to sign the papers he had drawn up. I put the check and the papers away until I could get to an attorney - that only made him angrier but I could have cared less at that point. I was lucky - I had parents who could scrape together enough money to get me into a rented townhouse and help me get set up in my new home. If not for them, I would have been living on the street somewhere as I truly had NO MONEY! Cashing that $1000 check wasn't an option - that would have been a demonstration of my acceptance of the divorce and left me with no options to pursue further money.
I plan on using this blog to serve as a resource to those going through divorce and offer my support and advice. I may not know everything but I'm a great listener plus this is my second trip on the divorce merry-go-round. Feel free to post comments, links, etc. I have enabled moderation because of all the spammers out in the blogosphere so bear with me. I'll also be updating my situation and offering up tidbits of knowledge gleaned from my experience with divorce mediation, etc.
I leave this first post with something that a friend passed along to me during my first divorce. It has helped me tremendously...
"The life I lived with _________ is over and gone. I am in an entirely new and different place now. Even though this new place isn't familiar or comfortable, I have to let go of what was because it doesn't exist anymore. This new place is my only reality."
God Bless You.
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