Suicide Is Not Painless

About 9 years ago, I went through hell.  There has been only 1 time since then that I've experienced something similar, but certainly not to the degree that dreadful day in May 2002. I've thought a lot about that time in my life but had pretty much blocked out the emotions and feelings I was going through when I made one of the worst decisions of my life.  Today someone on the radio was talking about feeling suicidal and I had to stop what I was doing after listening to them talk.  I wanted to reach through my Internet stream and hug this poor lost soul.  Just wanted to tell them that I had been there too and there really was hope.  Yes there is a silver lining to that dark cloud - it's not just some fairy tale.  I know because I've lived through it.

The overwhelming sensation I felt that day in May was that I just could not take it anymore. You already see things in shades of black with no light, no hope on the horizon and something finally happens to make your mind snap. You see what you are doing - you know what you are doing - but you just cannot stop.  All you want to do is get out - leave and never come back.  There is no thought of the future - hell at that point, you feel like there is no future.  Your pain and despair is so consuming that you can't think of anyone else - not your parents, your kids, nothing.  All you can think of is to do something to stop the pain.

In my case it was my 2nd marriage falling apart.  Same issues as the first - husband unsatisfied and on the prowl for someone else which in the case of marriage #2, he had already hooked up with someone else at least once.  Forget about blaming him - I blamed myself.  What was wrong with me?  Why couldn't I keep a husband from straying?  Why was I such a failure?  What did I do to cause someone who pledged to God to love me forever betray me so deeply?  The overwhelming sense of despair and failure was just pushing down so hard on me that I couldn't breathe.  Even now just rehashing the event makes my breathing labored and my pulse race.  Until you have experience that moment - that one moment where you feel that you have nothing to live for and no reason to stay on this earth - you cannot begin to imagine the horrendous pain and desperation. I hurt all the way down into my soul.

It didn't help matters much that TheColdOne ran from the house like a coward after he dropped the "I don't love you" bombshell on me.  He left me alone in the house - a house full of guns, knives etc- because he could not face my parents who were on their way to pick me up.  What kind of man, or should I say "pseudo-man" does that? Unfortunately I found out later that this is how TheColdOne handles confrontations regarding his wrongdoings - run away like a big old chicken when the heat gets too hot.  Throw up your hands and just walk away - shut the door and move on to the next one.  Wow - what a guy.  No wonder I was wife #4.

When I was alone in our bedroom, I started tearing through the drawers looking for something sharp.  We were a hunting household so there was always a sharp knife nearby - except this time.  I used to call it luck, but now I know it was God - this time there was only 1 old knife in the bedroom and it was extremely dull.  That didn't stop me completely though.  I just kept sawing away at my wrists with the dull knife trying to get the screaming in my head to stop.  When blood starting seeping through the cut, it was like getting doused with ice cold water.  I dropped the knife and got hysterical - what the hell was I doing??  I picked up the phone and called my best friend who just happened to be a psychiatric nurse.  She deftly picked up all the clues and kept me on the line while calling 911.  When the deputies arrived, the screaming pain had given way to an onslaught of mental berating for being just so stupid.

I stayed in the hospital for 3 days and then spent 1 night in the psychiatric hospital. TheColdOne decided that he still loved me - at least while all my family was sitting beside him in the waiting room at the ER shooting daggers at him with their eyes.  I had actually already made arrangements with my Mom to take my daughter home with her as I was planning on moving out of our house.  It wasn't until TheColdOne came into the ER cubicle where I was with tears in his eyes that I decided to stay with him.

Flash forward to January 8, 2009 when TheColdOne decided once again that he didn't want to be married.  This time he left me alone in the house with a loaded pistol in plain site after his announcement.  Fortunately I didn't remember the pistol and took off upstairs after he left the house. It was a freakin' replay of May 2002 except this time I found a semi-sharp knife.  It only took 1 slash down my arm to lay my wrist open. God was watching over me and brought pictures of my grandkids, children and parents to my eyes before I could really do any damage. The thought of hurting them was enough to wake me up from my craziness and stop what I was doing.  This time I stopped the bleeding, bandaged my wrist, threw the bloody rag in the bottom of my closet and changed my shirt so the sleeves covered my wrists.  I saw the pistol when I came back downstairs and hid it in the spare bedroom upstairs.  There was no thought of hurting myself - just protecting myself. After all, paranoia is another fun little effect of depression.

There have been no further instances or even thoughts of suicide since that day in January.  Whenever I even think about the dreadful events from May 2002, I immediately get images of my parents and my kids and how much I hurt them.  To this day, that brings tears to my eyes.  I remember my daughter crawling into the hospital bed with me, crying "don't leave me momma".  SIGH...

I am much stronger for going through both of those trials in my life. I am still embarrassed at my weakness and at losing such utter control.  But what is really sad is when someone claims that your suicide attempt was simply a stunt or attention seeking act.  How in the world could any rational person think something like that?  And why would they be so cruel to even utter it outloud?  Especially after going through therapy with you.  There are a lot of other ways to get attention that don't inflict such utter and total pain on everyone that loves you.  A suicide attempt hurts everyone - to downplay the events is just ignorance and an attempt to avoid the guilt from putting someone in that position in the first place. My psychiatrist told us in the hospital that a suicide attempt is a scream for help and that's what I was doing in my head  - screaming.

What is even worse is having someone actually say that "if you really wanted to kill yourself, you would have done it".  That truly floored me.  I guess I was a failure at marriage AND at suicide in this person's eyes.  Good thing that their opinions matter about as much as a gnat fart in the big scheme of things.

Wow - I certainly didn't expect to get so long winded or dredge this up again this late in the evening.  But that caller today really touched me and I felt completely compelled to write this all down.  I can't undo the past but I can learn from it.  Suicide is not the answer - never is and never will be.  I have put my faith in God and trust Him to get me through the tough times. He is the One that will never back out from his promises unlike some mortals that I know.

May God Bless You.