The Sad Days of May

This has been a sad week of remembrances for me. My first husband and I would have been married 30 years on May 3. We separated on Mother's Day 15 years ago. I met TheColdOne 12 years ago this past week on a blind date. It's enough to make me absolutely dread the first week of May because it dredges up so many conflicting and heart wrenching memories. When you add in the perpetual state of limbo that I am currently living in while waiting for the divorce hearing to be scheduled, it's no wonder that I'm feeling a bit down in the dumps now.

I think it has been a good thing that the whole divorce drama has dragged out for so long, though. It has given me a chance to get my feet solidly back under me and learn to love myself again. It has given me a chance to distance myself from the emotional reaction and move to the practical regarding the divorce. I haven't met some of the personal goals I have set for myself - like losing weight - which really bums me out but the uncontrolled diabetes is making that really difficult. Believe it or not I have not seen TheColdOne once since January 20, 2009 when I drove away from HellHouse for the last time. But since we certainly don't move in the same circles, I didn't expect we would bump into each other. The one time he ran into my daughter, he hightailed it out of the restaurant like a scalded dog. She laughingly said that she never realized her little 5'1" self could be so intimidating.

I worry sometimes that I'm isolating myself too much. I am working 12+ hours a day and sometimes on the weekend. I had to give up my spot on the Red Cross DAT team for now because of my work schedule - but I will be back on duty as soon as I can cut back the hours. I still have my weekly trivia nights and dinner with family/friends not to mention a lively 2 1/2 year old grandson. It is something that I have to be very aware of as it is easy for me to draw into my own little shell.

Working from home has its benefits but it also has its drawbacks. Having interaction with co-workers over the phone or via email is weird - especially when you have never seen them in person. We joke about how we would not even know each other in a crowded room unless we were talking. You lose some of the connectivity with co-workers but on the plus side you avoid any drama in the workplace.

I've hit a bit of writer's block on the new book. I'm finding myself going all over the place with it and not pinning down a consistent focus for the theme. I've asked God to guide me in any way that He sees fit but I'm having trouble with giving up trying to be in control of things. Maybe that's why I'm struggling with the focus...

I have not been as consistent about attending church over the past few weeks which has really left me grasping - just sitting in the church and taking communion gives me such a feeling of peace and comfort. Not to mention how much I enjoy being with my church family.

So it's time to take hold of my own shoulders and give them a good shake. I have so very many blessings that it really is ridiculous for me to focus on the few negatives in my life. After all the "sad days of May" are now behind me and I survived them without any emotional or physical damage. That in itself is something to be grateful for.