I listen to the radio via the Internet while I'm working and there was a commercial for some "save your marriage" seminar. A woman's voice talks about how her husband wanted out of the marriage and she decided to attend the seminar by herself. Miraculously he now wants back in the marriage and is going to the seminar with her. The evil side of me yelled "stupid bitch" at the radio while the good side of me said "awww- isn't that nice".
But it got me thinking - there are times when I wander off mentally into Robin's Fantasy Land and picture a soap opera/romance novel moment with a climactic scene of regret and tears and begging culminating into a fade out as we fall into each others' arms. Those trips to fantasyland have gotten fewer and fewer with more time elapsing between the excursions as the whole divorce drama has lingered on. But what about those that do decide to "kiss and make up"? What would it take to make you throw caution to the wind and say "to hell with the past, let's go for it"?
In my case - nothing. Sure there are still feelings there - you can't be married to someone for 10 years and give your body/soul to them without still having some component of "caring deeply" for them. But those feelings cannot compare to the deliberate and thoughtless pain inflicted without a care about how I would get through it. The absolute devastation of being thrown away like a piece of garbage just because you didn't fulfill the "happiness" quotient in their lives. The trauma of not knowing where you were going to live or how you were going to pay your bills while the other partied down with his home-boys and girls. The feeling of utter failure and despair combined with a heart shattered into a million pieces while you are forced to completely start over.
Now don't get me wrong - I have forgiven TheColdOne because I could not move forward in my own life without doing so. BUT I will never forget and that's a good thing. Fool me once - shame on you. Fool me twice - shame on me. The life lessons learned are ones that can never be forgotten. They act as a shield to temptation as I move forward with my life. I've discovered that I would rather live having a battery operated "item" as my only source of intimacy than give my heart away to someone who doesn't value it as much as I do.
But everyone's case is different. You have to decide for yourself what is right for YOU. I would suggest lots of prayer and tons of counseling - individual and joint before doing anything. This time the ball is in your court - you can set the ground rules and limits on the relationship. Do not slip back into the subserviant role and allow your ColdOne to bully you into anything. Trust your gut instinct - if things don't feel right, they probably aren't. Also beware of the payback factor especially if you received a nice settlement in the divorce. There are so many things to consider but the first thing you MUST do is determine what YOU want. If you don't want to take the risk of the same crap happening again after you are a bit older with less opportunities available to you, then don't do it. The number one question to ask - is the he worth it?
In my case the answer is not just "no" - it's HELL. TO. THE. NO.
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