OK - time for a little reality check here. I have been so very proud of myself for making it so far without any major issues. I've survived and thrived since the separation. But just when I'm getting ready to give myself a big old pat on the back, along comes the first melt-down in a long time. Forget about Christmas, Birthdays, New Years Eve, our anniversary - the nasty little melt-down came on Valentine's Day.
I'm sure being sick as a dog didn't help matters much - I've been battling a severe cold all week that has finally settled into my chest along with a fever. This means less sleep, more medicine and just general loopiness. Add in the horrible weather and inability to get outside and you have a nasty combination.
Anyway, I found myself really down this weekend. I guess all the jewelry commercials and all the pajama-gram ads finally got to me - you know all the lovey-dovey smoochie syrupy sweetness and happily ever after crap. Those ads are hard to take on a good day much less one in which you are feeling like you are sitting on the edge of a razor blade with a head the size of Texas.
Believe it or not, I actually found myself missing my life with TheColdOne. Not the WHOLE life but those moments where he made me feel safe. You know - curling up in bed together, holding me when I was upset kind of things. I started thinking about some of the silly little habits we had - like not getting out of the car when we pulled up at the house until we kissed. How at night he would put his feet against my leg and tell me that it made him feel good to know I was next to him. Our Friday nights going to the Huddle House followed by the grocery store and later with our granddaughter Olivia. Even typing these things now brings tears to my eyes.
I was almost to the point of firing off an email to TheColdOne. Thank goodness the cough medicine kicked in and made me sleepy. What an embarassment that would have been...
So now that 24 hours have passed and the medication has worn off, I can look at things in a more detached way. Do I miss the companionship? Oh yeah. Do I miss the comfort? Of course. How about having someone to talk to about the news, the weather or just stupid stuff? Sure I miss that. And the intimacy of a marriage - missing that goes without saying. BUT do I miss it enough to humiliate myself and undo all the hard work I've done over the past year. No. Not just No but Hell No.
The reality is that this IS reality. It's not a fairy tale or some romance novel. There will be no "happily ever after" ending. I don't believe in those anymore. The last 6 years of my marriage were a lie and a farce. There is nothing left there for me and I need to remind myself of that whenever I hit a patch like this one. And if that doesn't work, then I just need to close my eyes and see the hateful eyes of TheColdOne that Tuesday night in Jan 2009. That wakes me up quicker than an ice cold cup of water in the face.
This is my life. And I will live it to the fullest. I deserve it and I've earned it. Even if I have only a stuffed rabbit to snuggle with. At least I don't have to worry about the stuffed animal ripping my heart out.
On an even more positive note - this little rough patch did not get so bad that I needed to have my meds changed. I didn't even need a Xanax. Now that is something to really be proud of.
Tomorrow will be a better day - back to taking things one day at a time for a while until I get my feet back under me. Onward and upward my friends...
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