Are You Lonesome Tonight?

One of the biggest adjustments that I've had to make was living alone for the first time in my entire life.  I went straight from my parents house to my first home with my first husband, to living with just the kids then back to living with a husband. I was truly petrified to live alone.  It wasn't being by myself that scared me - it was being ALONE.

The word "ALONE"  conjurs up all kinds of images.  I think of some of the older ladies at church who have no spouse or kids.  It reminds me of the crazy cat lady you hear about frequently in the news - you know the one who had 250 cats in her little house to keep her company.  I also think of so many of the patients I've worked with over the years, living by themselves, eating dinner provided by meals on wheels and watching game shows. Then there is always the dreaded image of the woman always by herself, eating out at restaurants with only a book for company or going to a movie theater and saying "ticket for one".  YIKES!

To make matters worse, I have always been afraid of the dark - always had a light on or TV on somewhere in the house at night.  Yes - it led to many arguments when I was with TheColdOne about how the TV interrupted his "beauty sleep", but it didn't matter.  When TheColdOne went on his many overnight trips, I would sometimes sleep with the TV AND the bedroom light on.  Silly - yes but it was comforting to me. It made me feel less ALONE.

The strange thing is most of us are ALONE even though we are married with kids and responsibilities and stuff.  You take care of everyone else but they all scatter when you are in need.  Or you just need the feeling of togetherness that discussing a problem situation can bring -  instead you end up getting a lecture about why you shouldn't feel a certain way. Sometimes the fear of being ALONE can drive one to stay in a horrendous mentally devastating relationship - after all, something is better than nothing. Or is it?

Instead of curling up in a quivering ball of jello when the sun went down, I discovered that being alone was not quite what I had imagined it would be.  It wasn't a curse - in fact, most times it is a blessing.  I call the shots - eat when and what I want, go to bed when I want, do what I want, etc all without worrying about someone else's wants or needs.  One night soon after I moved in, I really wanted a chocolate milkshake.  I realized then that if I wanted a damn milkshake, I could just go get it.  No one would be saying things like "you really don't need that" or "while you're out will you pick up this for me".  Hmmm this isn't so bad after all.

Things that I love to do - read, write, do crossword puzzles, watch movies - I could do without having the drumbeat of complaining in the background. The freedom was quite liberating.  For the first time in my life I am the one calling the shots and making the decisions. If I want to sit on my patio in a pair of torn up shorts with my hair piled up on my head while chain smoking cigarettes and drinking one can of diet coke after another, so be it.  It's not always sweetness and light though - there are some times when having to make decisions by yourself is hard.  It's an adjustment to rely on yourself instead of someone else.  But man does it make you stronger. 

While I may live alone, I am not lonely. God is always with me and is so much better company than some people I know.  The silence has been such a blessing because that's when it is easier to talk to God.  As the wonderful Billy Graham once said "You are never alone if you know Christ - never!"

So enjoy your alone time. Use this time to learn who you are and what you like instead of worrying about taking care of everyone else.  And take advantage of the silence to deepen your relationship with God.  Remember "alone" does not always mean "lonely".

We Interrupt This Recovery For a Melt-Down

OK - time for a little reality check here.  I have been so very proud of myself for making it so far without any major issues.  I've survived and thrived since the separation.  But just when I'm getting ready to give myself a big old pat on the back, along comes the first melt-down in a long time.  Forget about Christmas, Birthdays, New Years Eve, our anniversary - the nasty little melt-down came on Valentine's Day.

I'm sure being sick as a dog didn't help matters much - I've been battling a severe cold all week that has finally settled into my chest along with a fever. This means less sleep, more medicine and just general loopiness. Add in the horrible weather and inability to get outside and you have a nasty combination.

Anyway, I found myself really down this weekend.  I guess all the jewelry commercials and all the pajama-gram ads finally got to me - you know all the lovey-dovey smoochie syrupy sweetness and happily ever after crap.  Those ads are hard to take on a good day much less one in which you are feeling like you are sitting on the edge of a razor blade with a head the size of Texas.

Believe it or not, I actually found myself missing my life with TheColdOne.  Not the WHOLE life but those moments where he made me feel safe.  You know - curling up in bed together, holding me when I was upset kind of things.  I started thinking about some of the silly little habits we had - like not getting out of the car when we pulled up at the house until we kissed.  How at night he would put his feet against my leg and tell me that it made him feel good to know I was next to him.  Our Friday nights going to the Huddle House followed by the grocery store and later with our granddaughter Olivia.  Even typing these things now brings tears to my eyes. 

I was almost to the point of firing off an email to TheColdOne.  Thank goodness the cough medicine kicked in and made me sleepy.  What an embarassment that would have been...

So now that 24 hours have passed and the medication has worn off, I can look at things in a more detached way.  Do I miss the companionship?  Oh yeah.  Do I miss the comfort? Of course. How about having someone to talk to about the news, the weather or just stupid stuff?  Sure I miss that.  And the intimacy of a marriage - missing that goes without saying. BUT do I miss it enough to humiliate myself and undo all the hard work I've done over the past year.  No.  Not just No but Hell No.

The reality is that this IS reality.  It's not a fairy tale or some romance novel.  There will be no "happily ever after" ending.  I don't believe in those anymore.  The last 6 years of my marriage were a lie and a farce. There is nothing left there for me and I need to remind myself of that whenever I hit a patch like this one. And if that doesn't work, then I just need to close my eyes and see the hateful eyes of TheColdOne that Tuesday night in Jan 2009.  That wakes me up quicker than an ice cold cup of water in the face.

This is my life.  And I will live it to the fullest. I deserve it and I've earned it. Even if I have only a stuffed rabbit to snuggle with.  At least I don't have to worry about the stuffed animal ripping my heart out.

On an even more positive note - this little rough patch did not get so bad that I needed to have my meds changed.  I didn't even need a Xanax.  Now that is something to really be proud of.

Tomorrow will be a better day - back to taking things one day at a time for a while until I get my feet back under me.  Onward and upward my friends...