Maybe He's Just a Bully

I started out my research on this post with "immaturity in adults" but ended up reading articles about bullies.  Yes bullies are not just in high school - adults can be bullies also.  Bullying doesn't mean strictly physical behavior - most of the time it is in the form of emotional abuse. The results of the bullying can end up being pretty painful if you don't stand up and say "enough".

Many times "discarded spouses" have been victims of bullies but just don't realize it.  Think back on your relationship - did your ex ever accept responsibility for their behavior?  If the answer is "no" or the majority of time the answer is "no", then you could be dealing with a bully.  The inability to accept responsibility for their behavior is a hallmark sign of a bully.

Here is an example of the bully's instinctive response when confronted with their behavior - (see if this sounds familiar)...
1.  Denial - the bully denies everything.  He may do this by trivializing the matter ("this is just silly") or by attempting conciliation ("the past is over - let's not dwell on this"). 

2.  Retaliation - the bully counterattacks.  This is where lying, deception, duplicity, hypocisy and blame all can raise their ugly heads.  You usually end up giving a long explanation about why this was such an issue and end up stepping all over your words.  By the time you are done, YOU even wonder what got you so angry or upset. 

3.  Feigning victimhood - if #1 and #2 have failed, the bully will resort to playing the "victim card".  He wails to everyone about how HE was wronged -  How he did everything he could but could just never satisfy you. In other words, he plays the long-suffering martyr and YOU are the mean one.

The ultimate goal is to distract or divert your attention from the issue at hand.  How many times did you end up feeling guilty for even bringing up the situation? 

Did light bulbs go off over your head as you read through this? They did with me.  It was like a script written of every single argument TheColdOne and I had. 

One of the most defining moments of our divorce happened the day my parents came to help me pack my stuff.  TheColdOne asked me when I was going to sign the divorce papers.  I had explained previously that I was not signing anything until my attorney looked over it.  Well my nerves were already frayed and I responded with "every time you ask me about signing the papers, I'm going to add a day to the wait to sign them".  This set him off - he started yelling at me that I "couldn't move a damned thing out of the house until I signed the papers".  The "old" Robin would have started crying and started apologizing.  Not now - I loudly told him that he may have called the shots in our marriage but I was calling them in the divorce.  The look on his face was priceless - it went from extreme anger to confusion in the blink of an eye.  TheColdOne's attempt to bully me had failed.

Sometimes you just have to say "ENOUGH" and stand up for yourself.  Other times, you should just simply walk out of the room.  Staying calm and confident is very important.  Think over a plan for how you will handle the situation the next time it happens - cause believe me it will happen again.  If there is a chance of physical abuse, get out and don't look back. 

Unfortunately, TheColdOne still tries to bully me even though the divorce is final.  When he was forced to pay me a settlement (much larger than his original offer that he tried to bully me into signing), TheColdOne thought he would get the last laugh by writing a personal check made out to my attorney.  That would prevent me from getting the money right away versus a cashier's check that would have immediately cleared.  Then as the cherry on top of the ice cream, he put "DS2FALB" on the memo line of the check.  For those not in the midst of an ugly divorce that stands for "Divorce Settlement to Fat-Ass Lying Bitch".  But it didn't make me angry or upset, it made me laugh especially when I realized that it was simply another bullying tactic from an immature little man.

But I did get the last laugh - I had the attorney make a copy of the check. I then did a little artwork (the picture above) and have it framed over my desk so I am reminded every day that I am strong and can handle anything that comes my way.  It's actually right below my picture of Jesus so I am reminded that I can do nothing without Him and His strength never wavers.

For more information about adult bullies and how to handle them, check out http://www.divorce360.com/.  They have some great articles about anything related to divorce you can think of.

As always, may you always feel God's presence.
robin

The Door Finally Closes

After a long 2 1/2 years, the door has finally closed on my marriage.  It has been a rough 2 1/2 years - lots of tears and lots of emotion.  Lots of ups and lots of downs.  Lots of worrying and anxiety.  But now - thanks to the judge issuing the Final Order of Divorce, it is all over and done with.  Amazing that it only takes a 4 page document to end the battle.

There are no words to describe the utter and total relief that overwhelmed me when I received the copy of the Final Order.  It wasn't just the amount of money awarded to me - it was more of having closure - that one last loose end was firmly tied off and finished.  It was also a sense of vindication - I knew I deserved more than TheColdOne was offering.  I knew that I had contributed a lot more to the marriage than he was willing to acknowledge.  The Judge's final ruling only confirmed that.

I have to give all thanks and glory to God.  Without His continuous presence around me and feeling His unconditional love, I would not have made it to this point.  I must admit I questioned Him a LOT while waiting for the final decree.  I tried to figure out why it was taking so long and what message God was sending me.  Once again I learned to just let it go and let God do His job - He has a plan and there is no point trying to figure it out ahead of time.  There was nothing "special" about the date the final order was issued.  I didn't do anything different that day.  I didn't wake up thinking - today is the day. It was just the time God had determined.

Of course I also have to thank my Mom and Dad, my kids and my host of friends & family for being rocks for me to hang onto during this time.  I have learned that there is nothing more important than my family and that I should cherish each and every moment I get to spend with them.

So now it's onward and upward.  I went to a pool party Friday night and we cracked open the bottle of champagne that I had saved from my wedding to TheColdOne.  I had saved it for us to pop open on our tenth anniversary but we forgot about it.  When I moved out, I found it in my closet.  It was been sitting here at my house, unopened, waiting for the final decree to come down. The now empty bottle is sitting on my kitchen counter waiting for me to decide on a special place for it.  It will always a symbol of my fight to get what I deserve.

That's the best thing about this whole ordeal.  I never dreamed that I would have the courage to fight to the end and not give up when the going got tough.  When I moved out, I was a shell of a human being - so emotionally fragile that even I wondered if I could get through this.  Now I am stronger and have much more confidence in myself.  Heck I am far from perfect and never will be, but I know now that with God and my family at my side, I can get through anything.

Over the next couple of weeks, I will be posting some information and tips from my experience through this.  Even my attorney doubted that we would get the amount the judge awarded but she stood and fought right along with me.  I've learned a lot and hopefully you will find some of it useful.

In the meantime, I am still in a sense of euphoria and relief.  I don't think I've been this relaxed in 13 1/2 years - and that's without any Xanax. Life is good and God is great!

God bless you!

Day 87 of the Divorce Hostage Crisis

Here I am - sitting on day 87 of the Divorce Hostage Crisis.  Yes it has been 87 days since the divorce hearing when the Judge said he would issue a written decision on the divorce settlement.  That's a LONG time.  It only took the jury 6 hours to come to a verdict in the same court in Effingham in the murder case against Craig Heidt a few weeks ago.  Yet here I languish in "unknown land" while the judge piddles around.

I could be bitter and angry but I'm not (ok well may just a little anger).  I have waited for almost 2 years to have the albatross aka TheColdOne removed from my neck so what is a few more days, weeks or months?  I lived through almost 10 years of mental anguish and abuse from a person that I don't even know now.  Despite this, I survived and have actually thrived.  I didn't even go through another "mental breakdown" or as TheColdOne called it in court - pretend suicide attempt for attention. As a matter of fact, my psychiatrist is absolutely amazed at how great I have done since driving away from Hell House.

Sure I may complain about the wait - but it's more for the closure than anything.  I need that little piece of paper in my hand that says I am officially free from all ties to TheColdOne.  I want to be able to change my name back to my maiden name - to erase all connections to those years spent with TheColdOne.

I called those years spent married to TheColdOne "wasted years" until a good friend reminded me of the positives in my life that would have never come about had I not married him.  For instance, if I had not lived in Effingham County, my daughter would have never met Boston's father which means that I would not have my precious little grandson right now.  It's kinda of a "It's a Wonderful Life" situation and that's how I'm approaching things during this waiting period.  Whenever I start to bemoan my situation, I think about what I would have missed or not learned had I not shown up at the church that morning in Sept 1998. 

So when things start weighing down on you and you start another pity party - think about what you would have missed had you not gone through the tough experiences in your life.  I wouldn't be as sure of my strength or comfortable in my own skin, had I not been forced to learn to be so.  Most of all I would not have turned to God for comfort had I not been shaken to my very core and left hanging by my fingernails off the cliff of despair.

I look forward to celebrating another joyous Christmas with my family and friends. I am also looking forward to starting the New Year - even if the albatross is still hanging around - because I know that God has great plans for me.

Merry Christmas and God's Blessings to You All.