A Funny To Start the Long Weekend... Why Women Over 50 Are Better

As one who is less than 12 months away from the big 5-0 and finding myself thrust back into the singles scene, I can truly appreciate this bit of funniness from Andy Rooney. Oh and the last line is now my new motto - especially after my own personal experience with TheColdOne and his "little sausage"...

A woman over 50 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 50 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.

Women over 50 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 50.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 50 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest.. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 50 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 50, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow shorts making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?' Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

Have a safe and fun Independence Day and remember to thank a soldier for upholding all our freedoms!

You Just Have to Laugh

The old saying, "Laughter is the best medicine", certainly holds true when you are going through a divorce and/or depression. A year ago I thought I would never laugh again but it truly comes easy now.

Find something that makes you laugh.  A good comedy on video is a great start.  I love "First Wives' Club" just because of the whole "revenge" thing.  If you don't mind foul language, go for the belly laughs with "The Hangover" - especially the taser scene or the naked man jumping out of the trunk scene or the Mike Tyson scene. (Can you tell I love this movie?)  I can't stop laughing when I watch it.  Whatever you do, stay away from romantic comedies.  They always have a syrupy happily ever after moment and we all know that kind of stuff doesn't happen in the real world. Serious dramas are a no-no. The world is just too damned depressing to have to stress out while watching a movie. 

I am blessed to have a busy 2 1/2 year old grandson who loves to laugh.  When he comes over, we just play.  It doesn't matter what we do - both of us end up laughing.  It' so freeing to just be silly.  So if you have a little one around, get down on the floor, play with the cars and make stupid noises. Grab some playdoh and make funny animals. If it's warm enough, go outside and crank up the water hose - that will certainly bring a lot of laughs.  You'll be amazed at how good you feel. And the little one will enjoy it as much as you.

If you can't find a toddler and you've run out of movie choices, pop over to YouTube on the Internet.  You can find all sorts of funny videos there. Type "reporter bloopers" in the search box and you can spend hours howling with laughter at some of the results. If you're desperate and potty-humor makes you laugh, find one of the online fart machines.  If you are anything like me, that will get you started laughing right off the bat.

Whatever brings you joy - do it.  Laugh outloud.  Laugh at something stupid that you just did - I leaned over too far in my chair the other day and tipped out onto the floor.  After I realized I wasn't hurt, I sat on the floor laughing at the stupidity of it all. Don't be embarrassed - just let it all out.  Your heart will feel 10lbs lighter.

Our time on this earth is too short to sit around in a perpetual pity party.  Sure the whole world situation stinks right now - money is tight and you're going through so many changes that you don't know what to do.  But if you can laugh, you can better deal with the crap sandwich you've been handed.