May God's Blessings Be Upon You This Christmas

Day 87 of the Divorce Hostage Crisis

Here I am - sitting on day 87 of the Divorce Hostage Crisis.  Yes it has been 87 days since the divorce hearing when the Judge said he would issue a written decision on the divorce settlement.  That's a LONG time.  It only took the jury 6 hours to come to a verdict in the same court in Effingham in the murder case against Craig Heidt a few weeks ago.  Yet here I languish in "unknown land" while the judge piddles around.

I could be bitter and angry but I'm not (ok well may just a little anger).  I have waited for almost 2 years to have the albatross aka TheColdOne removed from my neck so what is a few more days, weeks or months?  I lived through almost 10 years of mental anguish and abuse from a person that I don't even know now.  Despite this, I survived and have actually thrived.  I didn't even go through another "mental breakdown" or as TheColdOne called it in court - pretend suicide attempt for attention. As a matter of fact, my psychiatrist is absolutely amazed at how great I have done since driving away from Hell House.

Sure I may complain about the wait - but it's more for the closure than anything.  I need that little piece of paper in my hand that says I am officially free from all ties to TheColdOne.  I want to be able to change my name back to my maiden name - to erase all connections to those years spent with TheColdOne.

I called those years spent married to TheColdOne "wasted years" until a good friend reminded me of the positives in my life that would have never come about had I not married him.  For instance, if I had not lived in Effingham County, my daughter would have never met Boston's father which means that I would not have my precious little grandson right now.  It's kinda of a "It's a Wonderful Life" situation and that's how I'm approaching things during this waiting period.  Whenever I start to bemoan my situation, I think about what I would have missed or not learned had I not shown up at the church that morning in Sept 1998. 

So when things start weighing down on you and you start another pity party - think about what you would have missed had you not gone through the tough experiences in your life.  I wouldn't be as sure of my strength or comfortable in my own skin, had I not been forced to learn to be so.  Most of all I would not have turned to God for comfort had I not been shaken to my very core and left hanging by my fingernails off the cliff of despair.

I look forward to celebrating another joyous Christmas with my family and friends. I am also looking forward to starting the New Year - even if the albatross is still hanging around - because I know that God has great plans for me.

Merry Christmas and God's Blessings to You All.

I'm Already Tired and It's Not Christmas Yet!

WHEW!  Is it Christmas yet?  I swear the time just seems to fly by, the older I get.  It seems like just yesterday Boston and I were playing in the swimming pool in the backyard and now I'm sitting here wrapped up in a bathroom. 

This time of year is always crazy busy - not just with Christmas and holiday stuff - but with my job.  Seems like home health admissions sky-rocket when it starts getting colder and this year is certainly no exception.  We've all been pulling 12 hour days for about a month now and it's really starting to take it's toll.  I actually fell asleep during a conference call the other day.  Thank goodness I had my phone on mute so they couldn't hear me snore.

This year we have the added activities of wedding planning.  I told you that Jenn would have the thing planned before the first of the year and she's right on track.  We went looking at dresses a few weeks ago and ended up finding THE DRESS.  It's absolutely beautiful - all lace and very vintage looking.  Hunter went with us and was such a trip - he definitely had an opinion about the dresses with comments such as "too sparkly" or "too plain". First time I've ever seen an almost 5 year old behave that long at a dress shop.  Boston was hunting rabbits with his new puppy and Justin & Poppy.  He wouldn't have lasted 10 minutes in the store and neither would have the dressses.

Life is good despite setbacks.  Money just seems to get tighter and tighter.  Christmas is going to be bare-bones this year but that's okay.  We've all gotten way too extravagant during Christmas and that tends to muddle the reason for the season. 

Still haven't heard from the Judge on the final divorce settlement and papers.  We were joking the other day that it's like TheColdOne is my "albatross" - the weight around my neck that I just can't seem to get rid of.  I try to not fret about it because I know that it is all part of God's plan and I need to quit trying to do His job - but damn it's hard.  I do miss being married this time of year though.  I miss not having someone to cuddle up with in bed on these cold nights.  Oh well - better to have a dry crust eaten in peace than steak eaten in strife.

Keep fighting the good fight and hang in through the tough times.  No matter how bad things seem, there is always someone with much more serious issues than you.  When you are as tired as I am, that's the only thing that keeps me going - being thankful no matter what my circumstances because things could be a heckuva lot worse - and believe me, they have been MUCH worse.

May God Continue to Bless You!

Sustained By Faith

Great point from my daily meditation today that I thought I would share with you...

"Temptation cannot come from God - everything that comes from God is good...   Some things that God either sends upon us or allows to happen to us do not seem to be good.  And our faith undergoes one of its most severe tests when we are asked to believe that our God, our loving Father in Heaven, is allowing us in his mercy to suffer some bitter disappointment or sorrow or affliction."

"In all our troubles we must be sustained by that faith.  Whatever comes down from the Father to us is good, and if we will trust him for the final issue, we shall one day see the goodness and rejoice in it."

Hang in there and keep the faith - God has plans for you and we must put our trust in Him in order to receive the gift on the other side of the pain.

God Bless You!

Wedding Bells Are Ringing Again!

Yes - that tinkling sound is wedding bells around my house.  Not for me, silly one but for my daughter.  You would think that I would be jaded against marriage after my experience but this is just such an exciting and blessed time for us all.  My daughter and her fiance came together at a time when both were coming off horrendous life experiences.  They knew each other in high school but went their separate ways after graduation.  A co-worker of mine "re-introduced" them about 2 years ago and they've been together since then.

He is a wonderful man - both to my daughter and my grandson.  He has a son from his previous marriage and the boys get along like brothers do. His family is as lovely as he is.  All in all, a mother could not ask for anything or anyone better for her daughter. He even picked out the ring by himself and did a damn fine job of that - even got the size right.

So excitement is building around our family.  The date has been set and the location of the ceremony and reception has already been reserved. We've got plenty of time for planning, etc (and also time to shave off some pounds and save some money) which makes it nice.  But if I know my little girl, she'll have the whole darned thing planned by Christmas.

I figured that I would be torn about my daughter getting married - especially after my Prince Charming turned into Satan Incarnate - but I'm content.  All marriages are not the same, just as all men are not the same.  I feel like they have been together for 2 years and lived together since May so they know all about each other's little weird things, etc.  The most important thing to me is that she truly loves him and he truly loves her.  And my little grandson just adores him and the feeling is mutual.  I don't even have a problem walking her down the aisle with her daddy (how sweet that she wants me to give her away also). Her father and I were able to bury the hatchet while waiting on the birth of our grandson, so we can manage to be nice to each other for our daughter's big day.

So another crazy chapter in my life is starting.  One that will bring lots of joy, lots of anxiety and lots of tears. She's already set up an appointment to look at wedding dresses with me, my mom and her future mother in law.  We plan on making that a day of just pure fun.  And bless my little girl's heart - she wanted to know if it would be too weird for her to share a dance with me at the reception because, in her words, "Dad gets a dance with me so you should too".  That brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it.

I am just so proud and happy for my little girl. I am so grateful that TheColdOne is no longer in the picture - he was always such an ass about my daughter. He once told me that my daughter was just using me - guess after all that's happened that ended up being more like the pot calling the kettle black. Despite his negativity my daughter has grown up to be quite a woman and a mommy. No mother could ask for anything more. And this wedding is gonna ROCK!!

Contested Divorce in Georgia? Hurry Up and Wait!

A divorce can stir up all kinds of emotions – especially anger, stress and anxiety. Just about any emotion known to man can be whipped into a frenzy by a divorce. As if that avalanche of emotions was not enough, the legal process of a divorce only adds to the disaster – especially if it is a contested divorce. If at all possible, it’s best to come to a settlement without the court getting involved.

But, as in my case with TheColdOne, there was no other alternative left for me. If your soon-to-be-ex is hiding assets,refusing to pay you a fair amount or not providing the documentation needed, a contested divorce is your only alternative.

The Courts may order mediation but it was a waste of time for my situation. In almost 2 years, I could not get TheColdOne to agree to a fair settlement. Why would sitting down with a mediator make any difference? I was right and it ended up costing me $200 for the mediator and $1500 in attorney’s fees for the waste of time.

So we ended up going to court. It took over 6 months to get a court date. My attorney was going out on maternity leave at the end of Feb 2010 so we sent a letter to the Court in January asking that the case be scheduled as soon after the maternity leave as possible (the maternity leave ended the last week in April). Numerous letters and phone calls – from my attorney and TheColdOne’s attorney – had no effect. The case was finally scheduled for August 30. As Murphy’s Law would have it, my witnesses would be on an Alaskan Cruise on that date (the cruise was scheduled a year prior) so we agreed to re-schedule the hearing. It was re-scheduled for September 22.

Keep in mind that during this waiting period, my attorney fees were adding up. Every time the attorney called the court, emailed me, wrote a letter, etc trying to get the case scheduled in was an additionalexpense. Couple that with the fact that TheColdOne refused to turn over documentation and most of the research into his financial status was done by my side, and you have quite a hefty legal bill.

The day of the hearing finally arrived and it went as well as can be expected. It took almost 4 hours for both side to present their case. When my attorney completed her closing argument, the judge stated that he was granting the divorce, restoring my name to my maiden name but he was going to review the documentation. He stated that a written settlement would be communicated via the attorneys involved.

That was over 1 month ago and the settlement order has yet to be issued. I may be divorced but have no documentation to prove it. I am back to my maiden name but can’t legally change any of my identification until I have the signed order. Not to mention that I have no idea if I am getting any settlement money so my financial status remains in limbo with a bill for legal fees staring at my face. I don’t even want to bring up the anxiety and stress that this waiting for a settlement has heaped on my shoulders.

According to the Uniform Superior Court Rules for the State of GA, Rule 8.1 Scheduling of Trials clearly states that “…it is the intendment of these rules that no matter be allowed to languish, and the assigned judge is responsible for the orderly movement and disposition of all matters.” I think a delay of over 6 months would qualify as “languishing” and certainly doesn’t pass the “orderly movement” clause.

The Georgia Code of Judicial Conduct states that “Judges shall dispose of all judicial matters fairly,promptly and efficiently.” The commentary underneath this conduct item clearly states that “…judges must demonstrate due regard for the rights of the parties to be heard and to have issues resolved without unnecessary cost or delay.” I think the judge responsible for my case should get a “doesn’t meet expectations” mark on his evaluation for this item.

There is truly no excuse for the multiple delays in getting my divorce resolved. January 8, 2011 will mark the 2 year anniversary of the day TheColdOne decided he wanted his freedom. I certainly hope that I don’t have to wait that long to finally get closure on the disaster that was my marriage.

Three Little Words That Can Change Your Life

There are 3 little words that can change your life.  No - I'm not talking about "I love you".  The life changing words are "I am sorry".  Simple phrase - not difficult to pronounce but it carries such a punch that it can change the course of your entire life.

In this crazy screwed up world where responsibility and accountability are nothing more than talking points for politicians, we all seem to have forgotten how to apologize.  How many times have you heard "I'm sorry if what I said offended some people"?  That is nothing more than a half-baked way of saying that you know you offended some people without really taking any responsibility for what you said.

How would your life be different if someone had bothered to tell you that they were sorry?  I know that events in my life would have been different had TheColdOne ever uttered those 3 little words.  I can't recall him ever saying he was sorry or asking for my forgiveness for the things he did to hurt me. (Although he did say "I'm sorry - it's over" when he told me he was filing for divorce). When I caught him running around with his ex-wife behind my back, I ended up getting blamed for it.  I was not making him happy, yada yada yada.  My favorite excuse was "You should have trusted me enough not to go checking on my emails".  HAH - talk about deflecting the blame. 

Even when I was in the hospital after my attempted suicide (or as TheColdOne called it in court - "the attention seeking stunt" or the "so-called suicide attempt"), TheColdOne didn't apologize.  He just kept saying "I want my old Robin back".  Little did he know but the "old Robin" was dead - he killed her with his lack of respect and responsibility. But a simple "I am sorry" could have injected some air into my lungs and brought me back to life - at least that is what my 20/20 hindsight says.

The biggest downside to this failure to apologize is that those of us due the apology end up taking on the blame for the situation.  Familiar phrases like "If only I had..." or "I need to behave in this way..." ends up fueling the guilt which after a while ends up dragging us down into a depression.  Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying that depression is caused by one incident - it is usually a pattern of behaviors over a period of time can trigger a depressive episode. As the depression worsens, you end up shouldering even more of the blame and taking responsibility for everything which only adds fuel to the fire.  It's a damned horrific vicious cycle.  In my case, TheColdOne's "never apologize" attitude literally sucked the joy out of my life and left me a shell of the person I once was.

Saying "I am sorry" is also a great way to start the forgiveness chain rolling - it's much harder for someone to harbor anger in their heart when you have truly apologized.  Sadly there are many people, including TheColdOne, who will never understand the importance of those 3 little words.  They'll keep offending people and shoving the blame over onto them until eventually they end up alone in a nursing home with no visitors. But in order for you to live a full and healthy life, forgive you must - even if there is no apology.

So "man up" people (or "woman up" to be politically correct) - accept the responsibility for your actions.  Prove that you are accountable for what comes spewing out of your mouth.  Say those 3 little words that mean so much to people.  I guarantee you that your life will be much better for it.

May God continue to bless you all.