Learning Life Lessons From A Squirrel

Whew! Who knew that single life would be so exhausting (in a good way)?  Between Easter, birthdays, weddings, working up a book proposal, etc. I've had little time to breath much less post on my blogs.  But rest assured, I'm still here and still fighting.

Here's a perfect example of what life lessons you need to remember when going through a divorce - courtesy of some squirrels raiding the bird feeder in my back yard this week...

Set your goals and reach for what you want.  Sure it may have you over-extended but getting the prize is certainly worth it!

Life may twist you up in knots and leave you hanging by your toenails, but don't stop reaching for what you want.  Sometimes the "fight" makes it even more sweet.

Don't be afraid to call on friends to help you get through this time in your life.  A friend will bail you out of jail - a true friend will be sitting next to you in the cell saying "damn that was fun!"

And when all else fails, stare straight at your problems (or problem person) and say "F*$& You and The Horse You Rode in On"! It doesn't solve the issue but it sure makes you feel better!

Look for life's lessons in the simple things - it's amazing what you can learn from watching nature!
God Bless You!

Are You Lonesome Tonight?

One of the biggest adjustments that I've had to make was living alone for the first time in my entire life.  I went straight from my parents house to my first home with my first husband, to living with just the kids then back to living with a husband. I was truly petrified to live alone.  It wasn't being by myself that scared me - it was being ALONE.

The word "ALONE"  conjurs up all kinds of images.  I think of some of the older ladies at church who have no spouse or kids.  It reminds me of the crazy cat lady you hear about frequently in the news - you know the one who had 250 cats in her little house to keep her company.  I also think of so many of the patients I've worked with over the years, living by themselves, eating dinner provided by meals on wheels and watching game shows. Then there is always the dreaded image of the woman always by herself, eating out at restaurants with only a book for company or going to a movie theater and saying "ticket for one".  YIKES!

To make matters worse, I have always been afraid of the dark - always had a light on or TV on somewhere in the house at night.  Yes - it led to many arguments when I was with TheColdOne about how the TV interrupted his "beauty sleep", but it didn't matter.  When TheColdOne went on his many overnight trips, I would sometimes sleep with the TV AND the bedroom light on.  Silly - yes but it was comforting to me. It made me feel less ALONE.

The strange thing is most of us are ALONE even though we are married with kids and responsibilities and stuff.  You take care of everyone else but they all scatter when you are in need.  Or you just need the feeling of togetherness that discussing a problem situation can bring -  instead you end up getting a lecture about why you shouldn't feel a certain way. Sometimes the fear of being ALONE can drive one to stay in a horrendous mentally devastating relationship - after all, something is better than nothing. Or is it?

Instead of curling up in a quivering ball of jello when the sun went down, I discovered that being alone was not quite what I had imagined it would be.  It wasn't a curse - in fact, most times it is a blessing.  I call the shots - eat when and what I want, go to bed when I want, do what I want, etc all without worrying about someone else's wants or needs.  One night soon after I moved in, I really wanted a chocolate milkshake.  I realized then that if I wanted a damn milkshake, I could just go get it.  No one would be saying things like "you really don't need that" or "while you're out will you pick up this for me".  Hmmm this isn't so bad after all.

Things that I love to do - read, write, do crossword puzzles, watch movies - I could do without having the drumbeat of complaining in the background. The freedom was quite liberating.  For the first time in my life I am the one calling the shots and making the decisions. If I want to sit on my patio in a pair of torn up shorts with my hair piled up on my head while chain smoking cigarettes and drinking one can of diet coke after another, so be it.  It's not always sweetness and light though - there are some times when having to make decisions by yourself is hard.  It's an adjustment to rely on yourself instead of someone else.  But man does it make you stronger. 

While I may live alone, I am not lonely. God is always with me and is so much better company than some people I know.  The silence has been such a blessing because that's when it is easier to talk to God.  As the wonderful Billy Graham once said "You are never alone if you know Christ - never!"

So enjoy your alone time. Use this time to learn who you are and what you like instead of worrying about taking care of everyone else.  And take advantage of the silence to deepen your relationship with God.  Remember "alone" does not always mean "lonely".

You Just Have to Laugh

The old saying, "Laughter is the best medicine", certainly holds true when you are going through a divorce and/or depression. A year ago I thought I would never laugh again but it truly comes easy now.

Find something that makes you laugh.  A good comedy on video is a great start.  I love "First Wives' Club" just because of the whole "revenge" thing.  If you don't mind foul language, go for the belly laughs with "The Hangover" - especially the taser scene or the naked man jumping out of the trunk scene or the Mike Tyson scene. (Can you tell I love this movie?)  I can't stop laughing when I watch it.  Whatever you do, stay away from romantic comedies.  They always have a syrupy happily ever after moment and we all know that kind of stuff doesn't happen in the real world. Serious dramas are a no-no. The world is just too damned depressing to have to stress out while watching a movie. 

I am blessed to have a busy 2 1/2 year old grandson who loves to laugh.  When he comes over, we just play.  It doesn't matter what we do - both of us end up laughing.  It' so freeing to just be silly.  So if you have a little one around, get down on the floor, play with the cars and make stupid noises. Grab some playdoh and make funny animals. If it's warm enough, go outside and crank up the water hose - that will certainly bring a lot of laughs.  You'll be amazed at how good you feel. And the little one will enjoy it as much as you.

If you can't find a toddler and you've run out of movie choices, pop over to YouTube on the Internet.  You can find all sorts of funny videos there. Type "reporter bloopers" in the search box and you can spend hours howling with laughter at some of the results. If you're desperate and potty-humor makes you laugh, find one of the online fart machines.  If you are anything like me, that will get you started laughing right off the bat.

Whatever brings you joy - do it.  Laugh outloud.  Laugh at something stupid that you just did - I leaned over too far in my chair the other day and tipped out onto the floor.  After I realized I wasn't hurt, I sat on the floor laughing at the stupidity of it all. Don't be embarrassed - just let it all out.  Your heart will feel 10lbs lighter.

Our time on this earth is too short to sit around in a perpetual pity party.  Sure the whole world situation stinks right now - money is tight and you're going through so many changes that you don't know what to do.  But if you can laugh, you can better deal with the crap sandwich you've been handed.

Hope in A Crisis

I took this picture in my back yard yesterday.  I was burning some leaves in my little "burn bucket" and the smoke picked up the rays of sunlight coming through the tree.  The beautiful rays of sun were hidden until the smoke brought them into view.

What a perfect image to demonstrate how a crisis can work in your life.  Something dark and overwhelming can reveal an inner beauty that you could not see before.  Some of the most profound experiences I've shared with God were brought about by crisis - most especially during this divorce.  Little did I know that the "smoke" of being a discarded spouse would bring out the rays of light in my life.

No matter how dire the circumstances or dark the day, there is hope hidden among the darkness.
May God continue to bless you in your time of need.

The Most Common Excuse - I'm Not Happy

It's the most common phrase used to justify the end to a marriage - "I'm not happy".  Come to think of it, the happiness excuse is probably the 2nd ranked all-time excuse with the first being "the dog ate my homework".  People are willing to completely turn lives upside down all in that elusive quest for "happiness".

Many people use the unhappiness excuse as a cover for other reasons.  Sometimes there is another person - maybe not sexually but someone that for the moment pushes the adrenaline button to give the sensation of happiness and caring.  Other times it is just simply immaturity and selfishness.  Whatever the reason, the unhappiness excuse is devastating to the person that is the recipient of this self-esteem bombshell.

Let's face it - there is nothing more heart-wrenching than believing that you are the sole reason another person is miserable.  You start feeling guilty and blaming yourself.  No sickening "quotes" or adages from family and friends make you feel better.  All you can think of is your very existence made someone "unhappy". The fact that the "unhappy one" is someone who pledged their life to you for eternity is simply just salt in a gaping wound.

But stop blaming yourself for everything.  YOU are not responsible for someone else's happiness.  Sure you can think of a million things that you could have or should have done but would that really change anything?  Maybe in the short term.  Happiness has to be cultivated from within.  True happiness is in your soul - not in someone else's bed or in the freedom to do as you damned well please. 

In my case, TheColdOne claimed that some of his unhappiness stemmed from his lack of freedom (perhaps more factually accurate as "his perception of his lack of freedom").  TheColdOne could only be happy if he was free to do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted with no questions asked.  More of a selfish self-centered issue than a happiness issue.

Don't let this excuse ruin you or make you feel tainted. Yes you do have some responsibility in the disintegration of the relationship but it's not a solo burden.  It may not seem like it right now but that little unhappiness excuse has just released you from a prison of emotions.  A woman's intuition is quite remarkable and though you may not have picked up on the downslide mentally, in your heart you could feel it. 

Let your ColdOne play the "Unhappiness Card" to cut & run from the vows and promises they made.  You now have some serious work to do - cultivating your faith and nourishing your soul. The good thing is that you can now focus on yourself - probably for the first time in years.  It will not be easy and you will shed MANY tears but get through it you will.

As for the unhappy partner, cut them loose.  Let them suck the life out of someone else in their quest for happiness.  Chances are they will never find true happiness - only momentary periods of self-satisfaction.  But that isn't your problem anymore.  And that is a good thing.

During the first weekend after I received the "I'm Not Happy" slap in the face, my Dad made a bet with me.  Daddy said that in 6 months I would be much more content and glad that this divorce was forced onto me.  At the time I was curled up in a ball in the den at their home and trying to prevent myself from ripping apart.  Fat chance on his winning that bet.  Or so I thought.  It didn't even take 6 months for me to have an answer.  My Daddy won the bet.

May God continue to bless you on this journey.

In These Times - 2 Prayers to Help You Get Through the Day

We all are living in troubled times.  Even if your life is secure right now, there is enough uncertainty in the world to keep everyone on edge.  Here are 2 prayers that will help you focus on Strength, Faith and Wholeness.

Wholeness Blessing - We Are Not Broken
We walk in troubled times
But let us not be troubled souls
We stand in financial challenge
But let us not see our lives only in crisis
We have suffered loss, pain and indignities
But we have survived, and we will survive
We have been hurt and we may be broke
But we are not broken
AMEN
- Rev. Laurie Sue Brockway

Prayer for Strength and Faith
Dear Lord
In these troubling times
I am filled with unspeakable fears.
I reach my hand out to you now.
I ask you to walk beside me.
Please help me hold on strong
During these storms
And help me hold my hopes high,
Even in the darkest hour.
AMEN.
- Rev. Laurie Sue Brockway

May these prayers help you find comfort and strength - no matter what your life situation is right now.

Forgive Yourself - You Are Only Human (Letting Go - Part II)

Mistakes – we’ve all made them. After all, we’re human beings. I used to tell my kids that if they ever reached a point where they made no mistakes, then we should call Oprah and get a spot on her show. What is important is learning from the mistakes and not repeating them over and over. But mistakes, especially in our personal lives, tend to hang around like that pesky bug-repellant resistant gnat on a warm spring evening.

You can’t move on with your life while you are still beating yourself up about the past. That’s why self-forgiveness is such a vital part of letting go. You cannot begin to forgive others until you forgive yourself.

Forgiving yourself doesn’t mean that you refuse to accept responsibility for your actions, behavior, etc. In reality you’ve probably taken more responsibility than is necessary for some of the things you’ve done. We are our own worse critics. How many times have you said to yourself “How could I be so stupid?” or “What the heck was I thinking?” On any given day, I could count at least 30 times. But it’s different – it’s usually just inane day to day things that are quickly forgotten. They don’t wrap you up in an emotional bodycast like issues involving you personal life.

Unfortunately there is no quick-fix for self-forgiveness. It’s truly hard. I think it’s harder to forgive yourself than it is to forgive someone else. Self-forgiveness is NOT a sign of weakness – it takes courage and strength. It moves you from the victim to the conqueror. It is one of the greatest gifts you can give to yourself.

There are all kinds of 5 step “programs” and self help books about forgiving yourself. But what truly helped me was The Book – and a lot of prayer. You should do whatever works for you but I can’t recommend anything better than help from God.

If you are truly wanting to move forward and forgive yourself, the following prayer will help you get on your way…

Dear Heavenly Father, I understand that there is nothing to gain by holding myself in unforgiveness and there is everything to gain by releasing myself from unforgiveness and beginning the process of healing. I want to move forward and make a positive difference in the future. Because Jesus died for my sins, I choose to forgive myself – to no longer punish myself and be angry with myself. I forgive myself for letting this hurt control me and for hurting others out of my hurt. I repent of this behavior and my attitude. I ask for Your forgiveness and healing. God help me to never again retain unforgiveness of myself or others. Thank you for loving me and for Your grace to move forward with You. In Jesus’ name, AMEN.

My brother and sister-in-law gave me a plaque with the following message... "It's not where you've been that counts, it's where you're going".  Don’t let the regrets of your past hold you down. Let go of the regrets and move on with your life. There is a future out there just for you. 

Release the past by letting go of the regrets - It is impossible to inhale fresh air until you exhale the old.