Many times "discarded spouses" have been victims of bullies but just don't realize it. Think back on your relationship - did your ex ever accept responsibility for their behavior? If the answer is "no" or the majority of time the answer is "no", then you could be dealing with a bully. The inability to accept responsibility for their behavior is a hallmark sign of a bully.
Here is an example of the bully's instinctive response when confronted with their behavior - (see if this sounds familiar)...
1. Denial - the bully denies everything. He may do this by trivializing the matter ("this is just silly") or by attempting conciliation ("the past is over - let's not dwell on this").
2. Retaliation - the bully counterattacks. This is where lying, deception, duplicity, hypocisy and blame all can raise their ugly heads. You usually end up giving a long explanation about why this was such an issue and end up stepping all over your words. By the time you are done, YOU even wonder what got you so angry or upset.
3. Feigning victimhood - if #1 and #2 have failed, the bully will resort to playing the "victim card". He wails to everyone about how HE was wronged - How he did everything he could but could just never satisfy you. In other words, he plays the long-suffering martyr and YOU are the mean one.
The ultimate goal is to distract or divert your attention from the issue at hand. How many times did you end up feeling guilty for even bringing up the situation?
Did light bulbs go off over your head as you read through this? They did with me. It was like a script written of every single argument TheColdOne and I had.
One of the most defining moments of our divorce happened the day my parents came to help me pack my stuff. TheColdOne asked me when I was going to sign the divorce papers. I had explained previously that I was not signing anything until my attorney looked over it. Well my nerves were already frayed and I responded with "every time you ask me about signing the papers, I'm going to add a day to the wait to sign them". This set him off - he started yelling at me that I "couldn't move a damned thing out of the house until I signed the papers". The "old" Robin would have started crying and started apologizing. Not now - I loudly told him that he may have called the shots in our marriage but I was calling them in the divorce. The look on his face was priceless - it went from extreme anger to confusion in the blink of an eye. TheColdOne's attempt to bully me had failed.
Sometimes you just have to say "ENOUGH" and stand up for yourself. Other times, you should just simply walk out of the room. Staying calm and confident is very important. Think over a plan for how you will handle the situation the next time it happens - cause believe me it will happen again. If there is a chance of physical abuse, get out and don't look back.
Unfortunately, TheColdOne still tries to bully me even though the divorce is final. When he was forced to pay me a settlement (much larger than his original offer that he tried to bully me into signing), TheColdOne thought he would get the last laugh by writing a personal check made out to my attorney. That would prevent me from getting the money right away versus a cashier's check that would have immediately cleared. Then as the cherry on top of the ice cream, he put "DS2FALB" on the memo line of the check. For those not in the midst of an ugly divorce that stands for "Divorce Settlement to Fat-Ass Lying Bitch". But it didn't make me angry or upset, it made me laugh especially when I realized that it was simply another bullying tactic from an immature little man.
But I did get the last laugh - I had the attorney make a copy of the check. I then did a little artwork (the picture above) and have it framed over my desk so I am reminded every day that I am strong and can handle anything that comes my way. It's actually right below my picture of Jesus so I am reminded that I can do nothing without Him and His strength never wavers.
For more information about adult bullies and how to handle them, check out http://www.divorce360.com/. They have some great articles about anything related to divorce you can think of.
As always, may you always feel God's presence.
robin
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